Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 20, 2022 Edition  (Read 873 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 20, 2022 Edition
« on: November 19, 2022, 08:43:26 am »
Profs Declared "Priests of Democracy"

This week Chief U.S. District Judge Mark Walker blocked enforcement of Florida's "Stop WOKE Act," saying that "it infringes on the right of university professors to exercise their freedom of speech in their classrooms." Walker declared that "professors are the priests of our democracy. The enemies of our democracy cannot be permitted to interfere with their efforts to convert students to the correct way of thinking about our history and our society."

Bryan Griffin, press secretary for Gov. Ron DeSantis asserted that "the Stop WOKE Act protects the open exchange of ideas by prohibiting teachers who hold agency over others from forcing discriminatory concepts on students as part of classroom instruction. Take Critical Race Theory, for example. This doctrine teaches that a person is inherently racist or sexist whether consciously or unconsciously due to his race or sex, that a person bears personal responsibility for and must feel guilt for actions committed in the past by other members of the same race, and that virtues like hard work, fairness, objectivity, and racial colorblindness are racist. This perspective is controversial. It cannot be made the basis for grading decisions."

Bertram Petty of the ACLU praised Walker's decision, calling the Stop WOKE Act "as clear a violation of academic freedom as we've ever seen. An educator's right to teach whatever he or she wants and to hold students accountable for learning the lessons intended out-weighs the students' complaint of indoctrination. The professor is more highly educated than the comparatively ignorant student. Students who wish to preserve their ignorance are free to choose another instructor or attend another school."

Is Busing Illegals to Philadelphia Cruel?

The latest busload of 28 illegal immigrants to Philadelphia has sparked differing reactions. District Attorney Larry Krasner said "Philadelphia remains a sanctuary city, and we will proudly welcome anyone the Texas Governor sends to us."

Gisele Fetterman, speaking on behalf of her zombie husband Senator-elect John Fetterman (D-Penn), called the busing of illegal immigrants to Philadelphia by Gov. Abbott "cruel. Surely he knows this city is a high crime area compared to Texas. Philadelphia consistently ranks above the national average in terms of crime, especially violent offenses. Car-jackings have increased four-fold since last year. If any of these innocent foreigners are harmed Abbott ought to be indicted as an accessory to the crime."

Mayor Jim Kenney (D) insisted that "our city is well within the norms of criminal predation for similar cities. At current rates only one out of every 179 persons will be murdered during their lifetime. That's less than 1%. So, as long as those being bused here are not part of the contingent of criminals illegally crossing our southern border their arrival will help dilute the toll crime takes on our citizens by providing more potential victims for the criminals who are already here."

Illegal Spyware Defended

The Massachusetts Department of Public Health (DPH) colluded with Google to auto-install contact-tracing spyware on the smartphones of over a million Massachusetts residents. Though this collusion is not authorized by any statutory law, Margret Cooke, Acting Commissioner/General Counsel for DPH asserted a public benefit justification.

"The purpose of the spyware was to distinguish between citizens who were obeying our pandemic lockdown orders and those who were flouting them," Cooke said. "Since few owners of smart phones were voluntarily downloading the app that would allow us to track their movements we reached an agreement with Google to surreptitiously install the app and reinstall it whenever a user deleted it. We may not have had explicit authority to do this, but the health emergency posed by the pandemic gave us the moral authority to do this."

Though the covid pandemic has waned since this illegal spying was initiated, Cooke pointed out that "several valuable uses of the app have been deployed. For one, we were able to participate with Predict Wise to track over 100 million Americans. The covid obedience scores ascertained enabled the Democratic National Committee, the Democrat Parties of Arizona, North Dakota, Ohio, Florida and South Carolina to mobilize the obedient cohort to cast ballots for Democrats in the November 8 elections."

Cure for Inflation Envisioned

In an interview aired on MSNBC's "Morning Joe," Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen predicted that "the current inflation will not go on indefinitely. History has shown that sooner or later it will have to come down. Whether this will be due to saner government policies or total collapse of the current monetary system remains to be seen."

Yellen observed that "1920s Germany is an example where the money collapsed. By the mid-1920s it took a shopping cart full of cash to buy a loaf of bread. Ultimately, the money became worthless and the government had to issue completely new money. The middle class was wiped out, but the government was able to survive. At the Treasury Department we are readying for this contingency by setting up a digital currency system. The holders of cash will be wiped out, but the government will survive."

"Since all money from that point on will consist of digital bank deposits the government will have total control and foolish uses of money can be blocked," the Secretary pointed out. "Protesters against our democracy won't have to be shot by police or troops because the government could simply seize all their digital money and let them starve to death. Right now, the newly elected President of Brazil is facing anti-democratic protesters and the court has authorized him to seize the bank accounts of more than 40 suspected leaders of this opposition."

"Of course, it is possible that Republicans in the House could block a transition to digital currency," Yellen acknowledged. "But the President could simply issue an executive order to get around that. In theory, the courts could try to invalidate an executive order. However, if we move fast enough the possibility of any court action could be rendered moot. The ability to wipe out the accounts of anti-democracy judges might persuade them that going along is their only realistic option."

In other inflation fighting news, Federal Board member Christopher Waller suggested that "the best way to fight inflation is for businesses to stop giving raises to their employees. Putting this extra money in their pockets will divert more resources to private use at a time when the government needs to spend every dollar it can to fund higher priorities. Families can cope with inflation by giving up dining out, wearing sweaters to keep warm, taking public transit, watching broadcast tv, and aborting unneeded additional family members."

Bipartisan Corruption

Now that the FTX ponzi scheme has collapsed costing investors billions of dollars in losses, Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif), who was photographed posing with FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried, was asked if she would give back her share of the ill-gotten gains. She declined, saying that "I didn't know the money I got was stolen. None us us did. I am innocent. Republicans took some of the money too. They are just as guilty as me."

Bankman-Fried blames his girlfriend for the fraud and alleges that his donations to politicians were a manifestation of his "devotion to democracy." In addition to Waters, other Democrat politicians known to have been on the receiving end of his generosity include Rep. Jesus Garcia (Ill), Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (NY), and Reps.-elect Morgan McGarvey of Kentucky, Maxwell Frost of Florida, Sydney Kamlager of California, Jonathan Jackson of Illinois, Nikki Budzinski of Illinois, Jared Moskowitz of Florida and Robert Menendez Jr of New Jersey. Federal Election Commission documents show that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ken) and House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif) also got donations from FTX--some of which was spent to defeat Republicans endorsed by Trump.

FTX paid the NBA's Miami Heat $135 million to rename their Arena FTX Arena. Major League Baseball received an undisclosed amount to name FTX as its official cryptocurrency exchange. This included putting FTX patches on umpires' uniforms. Other paid spokespersons for FTX that have been named in a lawsuit filed on behalf of FTX's defrauded investors include Tom Brady, Gisele Bundchen, Stephen Curry, the Golden State Warriors, Shaquille O'Neal, Udonis Haslem, David Ortiz, William Trevor Lawrence, Shohei Ohtani, Naomi Osaka, Lawrence Gene David, and Kevin O'Leary.

In other corruption news, the Department of Labor's Inspector General reports that up to $400 billion in COVID-19 unemployment relief dollars were lost to waste or fraud. Secretary of Labor Martin Walsh contended "it's not as bad as it sounds. The vast majority of the wasted and stolen money has likely been recycled into our economy. So, it's not lost. It's merely been redistributed. In aggregate, the total economy is no worse off."

Schumer Pitches Amnesty

Insisting that "it's long past the point where we have to admit that we need the swarms of immigrants crossing our borders," Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) said as he urged Republicans to "join me in enacting amnesty and citizenship for these people."

"We need to face the fact that Americans are too lazy to work and reproduce," the Senator declared. "There are millions of job vacancies that cannot be filled because citizens prefer to loaf and draw checks from the government. There are millions of babies that aren't born because we've made abortion convenient and cost-free. If we don't import more people our population will dwindle and our civilization will decline."

"Fortunately, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and I are in pretty close agreement on these issues," Schumer revealed. "I think there's a good chance that he and I can work together to negate the baleful influence the MAGA crowd has on legislation. Mitch isn't an America First kind of guy. If he can persuade the moderates in his Party to participate in a unity government with us there's no way we can be stopped. Extremists in his Party can be kept off of all committees and denied opportunities to speak out against our democracy."

McConnell said he would "meet with Schumer to hear what he has to offer. If he is willing to apportion a fair share of spending to those Republicans willing to cooperate in enacting the appropriations and tax increases needed I think the idea of a unified government could be the way to go. As a show of good faith I have already started the ball rolling on discussions of amnesty for DACA recipients. The big question is whether we will be able to convince enough Republicans in the House to partner with the Democrats to achieve a working uni-party majority in that chamber."

Biden Meeting with Xi Flops

President Biden rebuffed charges that he overlooked the attempt to exterminate the Uyghurs living within China, saying "I purposely avoided the topic because I felt mentioning it would reduce our chances for getting Xi's cooperation with our climate change objectives. Look, as bad as we might feel about the genocide against this Muslim minority, climate change is worse. Fending off the greater threat is worth the loss of a few million people nobody knows or cares about."

"I told Xi that the world expects the two most powerful nations to cooperate on measures to reduce the greenhouse gases responsible for cataclysmic climate change," Biden said. "I also reminded him of the many profitable deals we made when we were both vice-presidents of our respective nations."

Xi was not impressed by Biden's plea. Instead he chastised Biden for "the deplorable state of our bilateral relations. After all we paid to you and your son we should have gotten more for our money. We are not simpletons to be easily bought off with the kind of vague and unfulfilled promises you made to gullible Americans in exchange for their votes. You and Canada's inane Prime Minster Trudeau dressing up in Mao suits was an unimpressive juvenile stunt. Why aren't you ordering your lackeys in Taiwan to cease resisting the unification of our country like you promised?"

Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre admitted that "the meeting did not go as well as we had hoped. It could have been worse. President Bush vomited into the lap of Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa at a state dinner in 1992."

"Biden Unifier" Weapon Announced

Encouraged by the successful deployment of a Long-Range Acoustic Device (LRAD) for crowd control in Australia and Canada, US Secretary for Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas touted "its perfect fit for dealing with threats to our democracy. The sounds are invisible, inaudible and fully controllable in respect to target, direction and range. The sound waves can temporarily debilitate and sicken anti-government demonstrators when set at low intensity. At higher intensity it can scramble brains. Because these waves are undetectable the intended victims have no idea the weapon is being used on them until it's too late. It is the perfect stealth weapon."

Mayorkas boasted that "such a device completely neutralizes the danger of an armed citizenry. It is a technological trump of the Second Amendment. It can also be used to keep the First Amendment right of freedom of speech within acceptable limits. The so-called Trump rallies that have polluted the country with anti-government propaganda could be silenced at the flick of a switch."

The Secretary suggested that the weapon "be designated the 'Biden Unifier,' in honor of the man who has saved our country from the MAGA menace. For generations to come the American people will get down on their knees and give thanks to the greatest President this nation has ever had."

Outgoing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) seconded Mayorkas' suggestion and added "Joe Biden has been a great President. He has accomplished so much. He's put money in people's pockets, vaccines in their arms, masks on their faces, weapons in the hands of Ukrainians, and saved our democracy. Not only should the new weapon be named after him, but the Twenty-Second Amendment should be repealed so he can continue to be president for as long as he lives."

Election Oddities

In the New Hampshire town of Columbia, Sen. Maggie Hassan (D) received 1106 votes. Her opponent Don Bolduc (R) received 193 votes. The town of Columbia has a total population of 695 persons. New Hampshire Democratic Party Chairman Raymond Buckley attributed the numerical discrepancy to "the possibility that Democrats might have been more enthusiastic about voting than the Republicans were.'

In Pennsylvania, on election night Delaware County Board of Elections officials routed a van carrying ballots to a closed building out of sight of poll watchers. Six hours later these ballots were added to the official tallies. Laureen Hagan, Chief Clerk, Bureau of Elections suggested that "the peace and quiet of the offsite building probably made completing the count easier."

In California, a bag containing one or two dozen ballots was found in a ravine in the Santa Cruz Mountains. These votes were added to the official tallies. Alfred Gonzales, Election Division Coordinator, said "although there was no 'chain-of-custody' to verify whether these ballots were cast by registered voters we felt rather than disenfranchise these ballots from unknown voters it would be better to just count them. After all, someone went to the trouble to fill them out. We shouldn't let that effort go to waste."

In Arizona's Maricopa County, 30% of the voting locations experienced problems accepting and/or tallying ballots. Kari Lake, the Republican candidate for governor complained that "these problems effectively disenfranchised unknown thousands of voters in this Republican majority county. Many working people could not afford the lengthy delays. Others were advised to place their uncounted ballots in a mysterious 'door three' box."

Her opponent Secretary of State Katie Hobbs dismissed Lake's complaint, saying "given all the times I've heard MAGA Republicans say they'd crawl over broken glass to vote against me, I'm surprised that a little delay at some of the polls could dissuade them from casting their ballots. Anyway, no one can prove that the election day problems were intentional. After all, Lake herself said the election was being run by imbeciles. She should have anticipated that there might be problems and urged her followers to vote early or by mail like most Democrats did."

In other election news, Berlin's highest court declared the September 26th, 2021 elections held for state parliament, state senate, and national Bundestag to be redone because of election day problems including insufficient numbers of ballots, long lines, and early poll closures. An unknown number of voters were disenfranchised. The chaos was deemed "too severe for the declared results to be permitted to stand."

Online sneakypete

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Re: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 20, 2022 Edition
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2022, 01:31:00 pm »
The professor is more highly educated than the comparatively ignorant student. Students who wish to preserve their ignorance are free to choose another instructor or attend another school."


ALL of Einstein's math teachers knew more about math that he did?

Good to know.

Does this clown with the protected job have any other "words of wisdom"/brain farts he would like to pollute the air with?
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline John Semmens

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Re: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: November 20, 2022 Edition
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2022, 08:38:57 pm »

To answer your questions...

ALL of Einstein's math teachers knew more about math that he did? Did ANY of Einstein's math teachers know more about math than he did?

Does this clown with the protected job have any other "words of wisdom"/brain farts he would like to pollute the air with? I'm sure he thinks he does, but he probably doesn't.