Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 23, 2022 Edition  (Read 884 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: October 23, 2022 Edition
« on: October 22, 2022, 08:46:37 am »
Voter Intimidation Alleged in Arizona

Arizona Secretary of State and current candidate for governor Katie Hobbs (D) charged that "efforts by right-wing extremists to observe ballot drop boxes is a fundamental invasion of a voter's right to cast a ballot in total secrecy. The reason why we place our drop boxes in unsupervised public locations is meant to ensure a secret ballot. We don't monitor these boxes in-person or by video cameras as part of our responsibility to ensure that no one has the right to observe another person voting."

Hobbs' opponent in the governor's race, former TV news anchor Keri Lake (R), challenged Hobbs' interpretation of the secret ballot law, saying that "the right to cast a secret ballot means that no one is entitled to observe you marking your choices. Those voting at the polls on election day are required to show photo IDs to obtain their ballot. Those dropping off ballots are only permitted to drop off their own ballot or ballots for immediate family members. These ballots must be signed and dated. The integrity of dropped off ballots should be enforced by monitoring the drop boxes. If the Secretary of State won't monitor them, citizens video taping the individuals dropping off ballots is a second-best option."

Hobbs argued that "dropping off ballots in bulk is more efficient than having each individual voter make the trip. This is especially true with gas prices being so high. Having one person bundle ballots from a neighborhood, nursing home, or homeless encampment saves money and increases the total number of ballots cast. When I ran for and was elected as Secretary of State I promised to maximize the number of votes that can be cast. I won't let vote-suppression under the guise of deterring ballot stuffing destroy our democracy."

Lake questioned the propriety of Hobbs role in overseeing an election in which she is a candidate. "If she wanted to dispel suspicion she would have resigned as Secretary of State or, at least recused herself from direct involvement in the vote gathering and counting process."

Hobbs countered by pointing out that "I've only spent 19 days at my desk in the last six months. So, I'd say I'm about 90% recused. I'm confident that my highly competent staff can handle things without my direct involvement." This is the same staff that has already sent out 6,000 incorrect vote-by-mail ballots.

Melody Jennings, the founder of Clean Elections USA, has teams of observers monitoring ballot drop boxes in Arizona, Ohio, Nevada, Colorado, Georgia, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, and Oregon. "We want ballot stuffers and stealers to know they are being observed," she said. "We photograph them. We video tape them. If any funny business turns up we will have an opportunity to identify potential suspects, although this sometimes is impeded when the license plates on a vehicle dropping off ballots is covered. What legitimate voter would go to the trouble to cover his license plate? How do the election fraud deniers explain that?"

Environment Protesters Complain

In a demonstration against gasoline-powered cars, nine protesters glued themselves to the floor at the Porsche pavilion in the Autostadt museum in Wolfsburg, Germany. Spokesperson for the protesters Gianluca Grimalda denounced Volkswagen (VW), "they said they supported us, but they have failed to provide bowls for us to urinate and defecate into a decent manner while we're glued to the floor. They have also turned off the heat when the museum closes for the night. It is a crime against humanity."

A spokesman for VW clarified the "support" issue. "We support their right to freedom of speech and assembly," he said. "No one impeded them assembling in the museum and voicing their opinions. Overlooking the consequences of foolishly gluing themselves to the floor is not our responsibility. The ones who planned the protest should not demand that others bear the blame for the discomforts they have brought upon themselves. The need to excrete and stay warm after-hours were foreseeable events. The failure to provide for these contingencies undermines the credibility of their proclaimed environmental solutions."

"The group's call for 'decarbonization' and 'degrowth' will inevitably force much of the world's population to endure increasing discomfort and deprivation," the VW spokesman pointed out. "Perhaps the unpleasantness of their ordeal at the museum might inspire them to reconsider whether there might be saner ways to deal with climate change."

In related news, the city government of San Francisco has authorized the expenditure of $1.7 million to construct a ten-by-fifteen foot, single commode lavatory at the Noe Valley Town Square. The $1.7 million price tag is about the same price of a single-family home in the city. Construction is expected to be completed in 2025. Assemblyman Matt Haney (D-San Francisco) boasted "the need to urinate and defecate on the streets of this neighborhood will be eliminated in less than three years. That's lightning quick for a project this complex. I hope voters will show their appreciation by voting Democrat in November."

Accelerating the Transition

The US was an energy exporter before Biden was inaugurated as president. It isn't anymore. Biden's energy advisor Amos Hochstein says this is a good thing. "When energy was plentiful under the Trump Administration it undermined the incentive for Americans to switch to green alternatives," Hochstein said. "The steps that President Biden has taken to reduce the availability gasoline, diesel, and natural gas have led to sharp increases in the prices of these non-renewable sources of energy. So, not only is it harder to get these fuels, it is also more costly. While this may be painful for consumers in the short run it will force them to change their ways."

Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm called the transition to green energy "a matter of national security. As we squeeze out our domestic supplies of fossil fuels the remaining potential foreign sources are mostly hostile regimes. As we recently saw, Saudi Arabia rebuffed the President's request to hold off cuts in oil production until after the elections. This left him with no alternative but to further draw downs of our strategic petroleum reserves. I realize that some have called this use of the reserves dangerously politically motivated. However, whatever we can do to lessen the risk that the MAGA enemies of democracy will take over Congress is our highest national security priority."

"Once the reserve is completely depleted there will be no option but to quickly transition to a totally renewable energy system," Granholm added. "The subsidies the government has provided to encourage drivers to buy electric vehicles (EVs) have brought the out-of-pocket cost for these automobiles down to only $60,000 for a compact model. We have authorized states to construct recharging stations at 50 mile intervals along the entire Interstate Highway system within the next three years. And technology has reduced the time required to fully recharge your vehicle at these stations to about 45 minutes. Granted, refilling a car's gas tank takes only about five minutes, but the longer interval needed for EVs will enable travelers to get out of their vehicles, stretch their legs, and visit the convenience market and/or fast food restaurants that typically accompany refueling stops."

Tent City Model for Future

New York City Mayor Eric Adams touted the tent city he is subsidizing as "a model for America's future. The cost of traditional living quarters in our city has gone beyond what the average person can afford. The facility on Randall's Island has most of the comforts of home. The migrants staying there are given three meals a day, fluff-and-fold laundry service and an array of entertainment including TV and video games. When combined with the free medical care and cell phones provided by the federal government it's a viable lifestyle."

Photos of the insides of the compound show an airport hangar sized sleeping room with hundreds of cots, a dining room with 60 tables, an entertainment room with cushy sofas facing big screen TVs lining the walls, video game consoles, refrigerators stocked with bottled water, coffee and tea dispensers, popcorn machines, Xbox game consoles, ping-pong and foosball tables, and board games. The whole site is equipped with Wi-Fi and a temperature control system designed to keep the interior at 70 degrees.

The cost to operate the facility is about $15,000 a month per resident, a price tag that the Mayor declared "a bargain given the sophistication of the undertaking." Rep. Lee Zeldin, the Republican candidate for governor of New York state characterized the $180,000 per person per year cost for these accommodations "a deal only a Democrat would find reasonable. I guess when their other alternative is to put these people up in the City's hotels it could seem a bargain, but these are people who have illegally entered our country. What's reasonable about forcing taxpayers to support people who shouldn't even be here? Democrats are bankrupting the country, the state, the city, and the working people of America. They have no mandate from the voters to do this. I hope that the citizens of New York will make that clear as they cast their ballots between now and November 8th."

Fetterman Declared "Fit to Serve"

Democrat candidate for Pennsylvania governor John Fetterman's personal physician Dr. Clifford Chen of Pittsburgh's UPMC declared the candidate "fit to serve in the US Senate. His political opponents contend that his inability to speak coherently makes him a bad choice to join the world's most famous deliberative body. However, the main business of a legislator lies not in deliberation and debate, but with making backroom deals to benefit his donors. If I didn't believe John could do that I wouldn't have donated to his campaign. My willingness to put my own money on the line should reassure voters that he is up to that job."

The fact that Fetterman requires the use of a computer screen that feeds him written captions of the questions from interviewers prompted NBC correspondent Dasha Burns to wonder "whether he truly understands what our conversation was about." President Biden, who has been traveling and campaigning with Fetterman this past week, tried to brush aside these concerns by pointing out that "I also have used these types of devices. Does that mean I'm unfit to serve as president? No one has ever said that I'm unfit. To the contrary, I am the most powerful man in the world. I am the Commander-in-Chief of the most awesome weapons in the world. If I give the order I can have anyone I want arrested, assassinated, or nuked. So, if I vouch for Fetterman you had better believe what I say or face the consequences."

During a stop on the joint Fetterman-Biden campaign swing though Pennsylvania, President Biden told a crowd that Fetterman's wife "Gisele would be a great lady in the Senate." When asked about this apparent gaffe, Biden insisted "I'm not joking. Other wives have taken over for their deceased or incapacitated husbands. Jean Carnahan took over when her husband Sen. Mel Carnahan was killed in a plane crash. And Jill has often taken over for me when I've been too tied or confused to figure out what to do. What I'm saying is Pennsylvania voters should have no qualms about electing John Fetterman because his wife can fill his shoes."

Abortion the Top Priority for Democrats

This week President Biden announced that the first piece of legislation that he will ask Congress to enact in 2023 is "a bill restoring the nationwide right to an abortion that was illegally undone by the Supreme Court this year. The notion that each state should be allowed to decide for itself whether to permit or restrict this sacred right is the kind of disunity that I pledged to eradicate when I took my oath of office in January of 2021. We simply cannot not abide different rights in different states."

"Not only should every woman everywhere be allowed to obtain an abortion," Biden added. "The government must cover the cost of the procedure so that even the poorest woman has an equal opportunity to dispose of an unwanted child at no out-of-pocket cost. The contention that one's personal religious beliefs or ethical objections to killing an unborn baby should exempt him from being compelled to finance another person's abortion is at odds with the principles of a progressive society and can no longer be tolerated."

Biden's pitch for a nationwide expansion of abortion rights was seconded by Georgia Democratic gubernatorial nominee Stacey Abrams, who maintains that "restricting abortion enslaves women. Bearing and raising children is hard work. Denying women the option of avoiding this work by limiting their access to abortion is slavery, pure and simple." Abrams also went on to recommend that "a good way to offset the impact of rising prices would be to abort that extra mouth to feed during these hard times."

Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-Calif) is running a reelection campaign ad that urges women "to avoid the risk of being arrested for killing your unborn child by voting Democrat. Republicans are willing to allow states to restrict when--typically not after viability--and how--usually barring dismemberment or requiring anesthesia to prevent the baby from experiencing pain--abortions are performed. Only a Democrat majority in Congress can be counted on to maintain a 'no holds barred' approach to ending an unwanted pregnancy. Remember that when you cast your ballots."

Dem Says "Only Fools Rely on Police"

Rep. Cori Bush (D-Mo) denied there is any hypocrisy in her position on crime. "Just because I want to defund the police doesn't mean I'm soft on crime. In the past two years I've spent $500,000 for personal bodyguards. Unlike the police who are only minutes away when seconds count, my bodyguards are with me wherever I go. So far, this has effectively deterred any attacks on me. I highly recommend it for others who fear they may become victims of crime."

Since the median household income in the United States is around $70,000 per year a $250,000 annual fee for personal protection might seem too pricey to afford for most people. Bush asserted that "anyone could remedy that the same way I did. Declare yourself a candidate for public office. This allows you to establish a campaign fund and solicit donations. If you are charismatic like I am you could receive enough to cover the cost of hiring your own bodyguards. If you are not, consider hooking up with a local gang to provide collective self-defense. If you are scary enough you should be able to deter most casual criminals from attacking you. If deterrence doesn't work use your firearms to kill before you are killed."

"I know I might sound unsympathetic, but sitting around hoping that the cops can or will protect you is for losers," Bush concluded. "Only fools rely on the police. The sooner we abolish taxpayer-funded law enforcement the sooner people will wise up and protect themselves."

University Creates More Deadly Covid Strain

Researchers at Boston University have created a version of the coronavirus that is five times as transmissible as the original Wuhan strain and 80 times as deadly. The research combined the spike protein from the highly transmissible Omicron variant of covid with the original Wuhan strain and tested it on mice. Eighty percent of the test subjects died.

Those conducting the experiment speculated that the resulting new variant "would probably not be as deadly with humans as it was with the tested mice because the mice were especially bred to be highly susceptible to covid. Basically, their immune systems were compromised by injections of drugs that suppressed their bodies' natural immune responses to pathogens."

Sen. Roger Marshall (R-Kan) wondered "why are we doping these kinds of dangerous experiments? Wasn't it bad enough that the world had to endure a two year pandemic that is reported to have killed more than six million people when the original coronavirus escaped from a Chinese lab?"

Dr. Anthony Fauci called Marshall's fears "unwarranted and anti-science. First, a lab isn't the only way a more deadly virus might be created. Nature is quite capable of generating very virulent diseases. Before there were any labs cooking up germs the Bubonic plague killed an estimated 75 to 200 million during the fourteenth century. Second, we can't rule out the possibility that a massive die-off of humans might be needed to save the planet from climate change. Developing a deadly disease to accomplish this objective would be less messy than relying on a nuclear war to reach that goal. So we shouldn't be so quick to condemn the work that is being done at Boston University and other sites around the globe to produce an effective pathogen."

Biden Contradicts McCarthy

This week, House Minority Leader Rep. Kevin McCarthy's (R-CA) promised that if Republicans win a majority in the upcoming elections for the House of Representatives "there will be no more 'blank checks' for Ukraine."

President Biden called McCarthy "misinformed and mistaken. Congress has no say in the matter. I am the nation's Commander-in-Chief. I absolutely guarantee that there will be as many blank checks made out to Ukraine as I deem necessary."

"I have also asked Attorney General Garland to determine whether McCarthy's remarks constitute treasonous insubordination against my supreme authority in all matters relating to foreign policy and the waging of war," the President said. "When the nation is at war it is everyone's duty to support the president. Threatening to interfere with our gift of military equipment and weapons to Ukraine is giving aid and comfort to our enemies. That's a death penalty offense."