Judge Overturns Florida Election Reform
U.S. District Judge Mark Walker wrote a 288-page decision justifying his ruling that Florida's recently enacted election integrity reforms are unconstitutional. The chief offending sections of the law included provisions to ensure the security of drop boxes, provisions to restrict bribing voters waiting in line at the polls, and regulations imposed on voter registration groups.
Walker contends that "limiting the placement of drop boxes to locations where the chain-of-custody can be continuously maintained is racist. Many racial minorities fear entering public buildings because of prior negative interactions with police, incarceration, or the slavery suffered by their forebears. To offset these fears drop boxes need to be on every street corner in every city—like the boxes where a person can buy a newspaper."
"Similarly, waiting in line to vote is an arduous, time-consuming task," Walker argued. "Interaction with friendly persons providing food, water, and voting advice helps make this task more bearable. Only a callous fiend would oppose this humanitarian aid."
"Finally, since voting is supposed to be by secret ballot, it is intrusive to inquire into the identities of persons helping others to register to vote," Walker asserted. "Where these groups get their funding from or whether they could pass a totally irrelevant background check is nobody else's business."
Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) vowed an immediate appeal to the 11th Circuit Court, saying that "law-abiding citizens of America have a legitimate interest in election integrity. Insecure or corrupted procedures cancel out valid votes from citizens of every race. Our new law protects this interest. Judge Walker has neither facts nor law on his side."
Romney Would Cut Retirement Benefits for Young
The inevitable bankruptcy of the Social Security system prompted Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) to propose cutting the pensions of youthful workers as "the best way out of our dilemma. This would preserve the incomes of those already drawing Social Security by shifting the burden to those who will still be in the workforce for several more decades."
"The political benefit of this approach is that it won't produce a backlash from those currently dependent on these benefits," he explained. "At the same time, the age cohort that will suffer is probably not even aware of whats going on."
The Senator flatly rejected the idea that policies promoting prosperity ought to be tried. "I know it would be possible to achieve solvency for Social Security if government didn't waste so much of our nation's resources," he said. "If the government's share of the nation's income had stayed the same since the end of WWII the average person in this country would be a millionaire by now and inflation would've been far lower over the past 75 years. But this would be a radical plan, not a moderate compromise. No Democrats would vote for it. So, for the sake of unity we have to choose a less prosperous America. I will assiduously work with my friends across the aisle to create a plan that puts most of the burden of paying for Social Security pensions on those most able to handle it."
Biden Offers Money-Saving Tips
As an aid to coping with inflation, President Biden urged families to "switch to renewable energy because it will save them money. The average family car costs over $700 per month to operate. Selling this cash-eater will eliminate that cost. Taking public transit will shift the majority of your travel costs to the government where it will be paid for by taxpayers. An even thriftier and more healthy option would be to walk everywhere you go. There's no fare to pay and the exercise is good for you. It will also help save the planet from Climate Change."
"You can save on heating and cooling costs by following a few simple energy-saving practices," the President advised. "In the winter be sure to close all your windows to keep out the cold air. Try to spend more time huddling together for warmth just like the pioneers did. In the summer time open all your windows to let the hot air out. Avoid huddling together. Go outside and sit in the shade away from other people. If you must be indoors use a hand-held fan to cool yourself. This also is good exercise. Do as little cooking as possible. Eat most of your food raw. Considering that a majority of Americans are over-weight, just eat less period!"
"Americans already own too much stuff," he added. "You don't need all that junk. Rather than waste money buying it learn to get by with less. Most of what you own is going to the land fill when you die anyway. Enjoy just a few simple pleasures like a day in the park or a challenging game of tic-tac-toe—things have have kept me happy and intellectually stimulated all my life."
"Finally, if you insist on narrowing the gap by boosting your income, do like Hunter does—snag some profitable consulting contracts or favorable trade deals with foreign governments," his proud father suggested. "He used to be a crack addict, but turned his life around. He now rakes in millions per year through grit and hard work. Maybe you can do the same."
Media Star Calls for Biden Dictatorship
ABC legal analyst Sunny Hostin advised her co-hosts of "The View" and the audience to support rule by executive decree. Guest-host Tara Setmayer objected "that's not the way democracy works. Representatives of the people are elected to Congress. They have to be involved in the process of governing."
Hostin insisted that "you can't build consensus with crazy people. You can't build consensus with insurrectionists. One-man rule is the only feasible way to move this country forward. I know what I'm saying sounds Stalinistic, but who can deny that his style of governing was successful? He transformed Russia from a bucolic backwater into an industrial giant, defeated the Nazis in WWII, and made his country into a super power. No single individual in any democracy has ever accomplished as much."
Co-host Whoopi Goldberg said "what you're saying is that President Biden should be a dictator. That doesn't seem right."
"Our country is at a crucial crossroad where we must choose between what's right and what's necessary," Hostin countered. "If we want to escape the electoral nightmare that the polls project we can't afford to let our aims be thwarted by an idiotic insistence on abiding by democratic principles. We must act before Republicans gain power. The action we must take requires a temporary deviation from democracy. We saw how well this worked during the pandemic. We need the courage to learn from this example."
In related news, Dr. Anthony Fauci said Americans "must be flexible enough to accept a more rigid type of totalitarian restrictions if government experts decide that they are needed to fight a resurgence of covid. I know it appears that the pandemic is waning, but it could be a ruse used by the virus to weaken our resolve. However, I am ever vigilant and will not hesitate to let the President know when it is time to tighten the screws against frivolous freedoms that endanger public health."
DNC & Clinton Fined by FEC
This week the Federal Election Commission (FEC) fined the Democratic National Committee (DNC) and the Hillary Clinton campaign for president a combined $113,000 for concealing their payment of more than a million dollars for the fabrication of derogatory allegations against Donald Trump in the "Steele Dossier."
A spokesman for the DNC denied guilt, but said "we agreed to pay the fine in order to expedite the closing of the investigation. All things considered, the amount we had to pay was well worth it. The Steele Dossier's allegations enabled the appointment of Special Counsel Robert Mueller and a two-year harassment of President Trump and sabotaging most of his agenda. This gave our Party the opportunity to win a majority of Congress in the 2018 election and subsequently were able to block any further Republican accomplishments."
Dem Calls Parental Rights Law "Unfair"
Former Republican governor and current Democratic gubernatorial candidate Rep. Charlie Crist called Florida's new Parental Rights in Education law "unfair to homosexuals and transgenders. Barring the discussion of LGBTQ lifestyles in the early primary grades of public school impedes the propagation of these lifestyles. Gays and transsexuals cannot reproduce their own kind through the same methods of heterosexuals. Since they can't inseminate each other they need to proselytize others to join them."
"Human minds are most pliable at a younger age," Christ pointed out. "Blocking access of those who could teach the joys of the LBGTQ way of life to five, six, seven and eight-year-olds greatly reduces the chances of making converts. It is a cruel blow to this social minority. I want this put upon minority to know that like President Biden, I too, see them and will be their advocate if I'm elected governor in this Fall's election. I will restore their voice in the classroom because teaching about lifestyle options is more important than a dull curriculum of teaching reading, writing, and arithmetic."
In related news, the Disney Corporation vowed to do everything it could to overturn the Parental Rights law. One of its announced offensive fronts in the battle is a deterimination "to cram LGBTQ characters into every film, TV show, and theme park venue we can until public opinion turns firmly against so-called parental rights."
Meanwhile, a Florida law mandating annual surveys of intellectual freedom and viewpoint diversity on state college and university campuses is being challenged. Attorneys for the plaintiffs, including the United Faculty of Florida union, contend that allowing the surveys "threatens irreparable harm to the plaintiffs' First Amendment rights to indoctrinate the students as they deem fit. To insist that diversity of viewpoints, ideology, or philosophy must be permitted is tantamount to insisting that wrong thinking must be allowed. The faculty and administration are the most qualified judges of which ideas merit being heard. The legislature should not be allowed to intrude in the process."
