Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 27, 2022 Edition  (Read 256 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 27, 2022 Edition
« on: February 26, 2022, 08:38:01 am »
Biden's Ukraine Strategy Called "Brilliant"

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) called President Biden's Strategy for handling the war in Ukraine "brilliant." Asked to briefly describe the strategy, she said "no one knows what it is. That's what makes it brilliant. The incoherence of simultaneously announcing sanctions, but continuing to purchase oil from Russia defies comprehension. The combination of talking tough while avoiding any effective countermeasures has got to be driving Putin nuts."

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton bolstered the Democrat meme by asserting that "the President's response has been well executed. He has been able to rally our NATO allies to echo his tough talk. So, to the general public its looks like the kind of united front that Trump could never have achieved given his repeated demands that our allies pay their fair share of the costs for the defense of their countries."

Press Secretary Jen Psaki said "the President's redeployment of Border Patrol agents to Ukraine is ingenious and innovative. These people have been aiding invaders from Mexico to reach desired destinations in America by putting them on planes and flying them there. Once they are sent to Ukraine they will be able to tempt Russian troops with the same offer. Coming to the United States with all-expenses-paid has got to be a better deal than getting shot by armed Ukrainian civilians. I think this policy is Nobel Peace Prize worthy."

Word that Ukraine's President Zelenskyy and Putin are trying to arrange a meeting to achieve peace was strongly denounced by State Department spokesperson Ned Price who maintained that "the President has not authorized these negotiations and will not be bound by any agreement between them to end hostilities. More than the peace between these two countries is at stake. Both must make a show of crediting the President for inspiring them to reconcile. This needs to include a multi-million dollar cash payment to the President's son for the efforts President Biden has made toward quelling this crisis."

In related news, the Russian invasion of Ukraine has apparently ruined The View's Joy Behar's planned European vacation. "How can I fly to Italy when a Russian fighter plane may shoot down the plane I'm on?" she whined. "I blame Trump."

Covid DNA Matches Moderna Patent

A new study, published in Frontiers in Virology found that the DNA of the coronavirus bears an uncanny resemblance to a genetic code patented by Moderna in 2016. This was prior to the pandemic. The researchers estimated the odds against this being an innocent coincidence are three trillion to one.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, foremost scientist in the world, insisted that "this proves nothing. One chance in three trillion is NOT zero. There are trillions of stars that are trillions of miles from Earth. On the trillions of planets that orbit these stars there are trillions of cells. Some of these cells may bear a resemblance to those in a product manufactured by Moderna. Does that prove that Moderna made them?"

"Hard as it may be for the average non-scientist to believe that gain-of-function research at a bioweapons lab wasn't responsible for the creation of a virus that has killed millions, that is what they must learn to accept," the Doctor argued. "To think otherwise would undermine everything we have done over the past two years to lead the human herd to safety. The notion that all the hardships inflicted by governments at the behest of the best scientists in the world were to further power lust and greed is too horrible to contemplate. That's why one uniform message must be enforced by whatever means is necessary."

In related news, it was discovered that the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has been withholding a large portion of the data on covid and the vaccines. CDC spokeswoman Kristen Nordlund said "keeping this information under wraps was done out of concern for the mental health of the American people. Full transparency would have undermined faith in the actions the government took to fight the pandemic. If the lack of scientific validity for much of what was done combined with its ineffectiveness and danger had been widely known, the President's leverage for achieving the unity he promised would've been severely curtailed."

The American Federation of Government Employees cited "the CDC's withholding of information and the fact that the vaccines simply don't work," in their lawsuit against Biden's mandate that they must take the jab in order to keep their cushy government jobs. The Union's Attorney Bruce Castor pointed out that "the latest data on infections shows that people who have gotten the shots are worse off than people who haven't. They're also more likely to infect others. It simply makes no sense for my clients to be forced to take these vaccines."

Canadian Tyranny Inspires Arizona Democrat

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's trial run for tyranny inspired Rep. Ruben Gallego (D-AZ) to call for its replication in the United States. "Confiscating the trucks and seizing the bank accounts of the unruly opponents of the government's covid vaccine mandates was glorious," he declared. "The efficiency of simply declaring an emergency opened up an opportunity to rule by decree, designate the offenders as outlaws and mete out punishment."

"When you have no access to your money and the government takes the property you depend on to earn a living it has gone a long way toward neutralizing you and intimidating anyone else who might contemplate objecting to being told what to do," the Congressman observed. "President Biden has declared a continuation of the covid emergency and now we see truckers trying to pull the same type of freedom convoy to DC to protest. Lets follow the Canadian model and crackdown on them."

Gallego brushed off the contention that the crackdown he advocates violates rights explicitly protected in the Constitution, saying "they have a constitution in Canada and that didn't stop Trudeau. Owning property, running a business, and earning a living are all privileges allowed by government in exchange for good behavior. Those who refuse to obey official mandates do not exhibit good behavior. They need to be taught a lesson to discourage others from defying authority."

Gallego was encouraged by polls showing that 65% of Democrats approve of the type of oppression he advocates. "When we have the backing of a majority of the one true defender of democracy we shouldn't shirk from the opportunity to exercise the power they have bestowed on us," he said. "No one has the right to resist the government of, by, and for the people. Those who insist on doing it are insurrectionists who need to feel the weight of the state pressing down on them."

In related news, Tamara Lich, one of the organizers of the Canadian protest, was denied bail. The "crime" of which she is accused is "counselling to commit mischief." The judge who refused to allow her out on bail acknowledged that "mischief doesn't sound so dire to the average person, but from the perspective of the government, there is more to be feared from a sincere opponent than a felonious criminal. The civilians robbed, raped, and murdered by thugs are expendable. The Prime Minister is not. Threats to his rule must be dealt with as harshly as he deems proper for safeguarding his authority."