Smollett Wants Sequels
According to his attorney Nenye Uche, actor Jussie Smollett considers his recent trial and conviction for staging a fake hate-crime "riveting entertainment" and hopes to "film two sequels."
"One of his ideas is that while he is out on bond during his appeal the Nigerian brothers, Ola and Abel Osundairo, stalk him in order to finish the job," Uche said. "After several narrow escapes, Jussie lures them into a trap at a donut shop where an undercover cop overhears their threats. The truth finally prevails as former President Trump is implicated for inspiring the original assault. The brothers are killed in a shootout with the undercover cop and Trump is indicted."
"Another idea Jussie has involves him being prosecuted for perjury by special prosecutor Dan Webb," Uche added. "In this sequel, in a Perry Mason like moment, Webb is pressured to admit in open court that he coerced the brothers into lying about the so-called faked assault. They breakdown in tears asking Jussie's forgiveness and Webb is stripped of his law license."
"Jussie, of course, would play himself in the sequels, but professional actors would need to be hired to provide a more realistic portrayal of the brothers, prosecutors, and myself," Uche explained. "Jussie likes Alec Baldwin for the part of the undercover cop, Bob Odenkirk would play the part of Webb, and LeBron James one of the brothers. Jussie's company 'A Supermassive Movie' would produce both of these sequels."
Dem Wants to Ban Bullet-Proof Glass
Philadelphia Councilwoman Cindy Bass wants to outlaw bullet-proof glass in retail stores because it "encourages loitering, public urination and potential drug sales." Her rationale seems weak. Store owners install bullet-proof glass to protect themselves from armed robbers.
Bass argues that "this glass is an indignity for everyone who enters the store. It conveys the message that anyone could be a thief. For every armed robber who is thwarted hundreds of honest people are so psychologically damaged that they can't help themselves from urinating in the street, idly loitering in the area, and make drug deals."
Bass went on to complain that "bullet-proof glass also impedes hammer-wielding activists from expressing their dissatisfaction with the current distribution of wealth in this country. Instead of being able to quickly smash ordinary glass to get at the merchandise they are pretty much forced to go elsewhere in search of a softer target. This unnecessarily blocks an innovative strategy for achieving social justice."
In related news, Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot says "retailers have only themselves to blame for the explosion in 'smash-and-grab' thefts. Putting valuable merchandise in flimsy glass display cases unnecessarily tempts those less well off folks to steal." Her recommendation is to "one, choose a different product to sell because bulkier low-priced items are less tempting. Two, hire social workers to intercept looters and help them to qualify for welfare benefits. Or three, relocate your business to a safer area outside of the City or State."
Pilot Deaths Skyrocket in 2021
A statistic that might inspire airlines to rethink their policies for air crews is the dramatic increase in the death of their pilots. In 2019, only one pilot died. In 2020, six died. In 2021, as of September, 109 have died. It's not that more planes are crashing. The key factor seems to be the requirement that pilots must be vaccinated for covid in order to keep their jobs.
Dr. Anthony Fauci rejected the possibility that adverse reactions to the experimental vaccines should be a cause for concern, saying "those of us who are medical experts are convinced that the vaccines are safe and effective. There's no evidence that vaccines are responsible for the unusual spike in fatalities among the members of this profession. Besides, even if the vaccines are causing the deaths of these individuals I feel it is worth it. Covid has killed millions. The vaccines have already saved the lives of billions. Sacrificing a hundred airline pilots seems like a cheap price to have paid for the benefits gained."
Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ken) called Fauci's confidence in the vaccines "excessive. There's no proof that vaccines have saved billions of lives. It is likely that many have benefited from them. It is also likely that others have been harmed by being injected with these inadequately tested drugs. A scientific approach would entail each individual being treated as an individual so a customized risk/benefit assessment can be made. Dr. Fauci's one solution—vaccinate everyone—is political coercion, not a sound scientific recommendation."
In related news, attorneys for Pfizer told a judge that "it would take us 55 years to produce copies of the 300,000 pages of documents we submitted to the FDA to gain Emergency Use Authorization for our vaccine." Interestingly, it took considerably less time to generate the documents and only 108 days for the FDA to review the documents prior to approving the EUA.
Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla explained that "it is one thing to share confidential information with people you trust. It is entirely different when people you don't trust want to see what you're doing. We shouldn't be subjected to 'Monday morning quarterbacking' now that the vaccines have been injected into billions of people. What's done is done. Besides, we have been granted absolute and total immunity for any harm done. So there isn't any point in letting unfriendly lawyers see these documents."
California to Become Abortion Sanctuary
In the event that the Supreme Court overturns its 1973 Roe v. Wade decision that made abortion the law of the land, Gov. Galvin Newsom (D-Calif) is boasting that his state "will become an abortion sanctuary for the entire world. We have the will and the votes to go far beyond the bounds of the Roe v. Wade decision, which essentially only protected abortion during the first two trimesters."
Based on the oral arguments between the Justices and the attorneys representing both sides of the issue, it is speculated that the Court seems most likely to rule that it will be up to each state to make its own laws on abortion. Some states are expected to significantly restrain the practice. Others, like California, are expected to significantly loosen or abolish any restraints.
Newsom envisioned abortion "taking up some of the slack in our state's economy. We used to be able to count on oil production, shipping, and manufacturing to provide jobs and tax receipts. However, tightened environmental regulations and high tax rates have dampened the contributions we can expect from these sectors. By making abortion an anytime, anywhere service we can dominate this market. By expanding tax-funded abortions to include covering the travel and lodging costs for persons too poor to pay their own way we can draw customers from any place on the planet."
The Governor also touted the "environmental benefits of an abortion-based economy. Oil drilling and shipping produce significant amounts of pollution. Aborting unwanted babies is a cleaner industry. There is high demand for the parts that can be salvaged. Sale of the organs and tissues that are still intact will become a great revenue source for our state. And the elimination of surplus population will ease the human burden on the environment for years to come."
In related news, Newsom objected to the rash of recent smash-and-grab incidents being characterized as a crime wave because "in California the theft of less than $950 by a person in any single robbery is not illegal."
Astounding Turnout of Centenarian Voters
This week a Wisconsin Committee on Campaigns and Elections hearing revealed that the November 2020 general elections saw over 100,000 ballots cast by persons who have been registered to vote for more than 100 years. US House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) cited this as evidence for passing the "For the People Act."
"Not every state has been as diligent as Wisconsin in protecting the right to vote," she pointed out. "Many states impose onerous conditions requiring voters to show photo IDs, limiting voting to one ballot per person and to the few months surrounding the official election day, insisting that poll watchers representing both Parties must be allowed to participate in the vote-counting, disallowing the cost-savings that could be achieved by accepting self-printed ballots, and other anti-democratic rules. The 'For the People Act' would streamline the election process by giving the federal government full control over all voting procedures."
White House Unhappy with Media
President Biden says he is "losing patience with the media." White House underlings have been engaged in closed-door meetings with major media outlets "to correct the negative impression being created by media reports on prices, crime, and other issues."
Press Secretary Jen Psaki complained that "we thought these guys were on our side. Why do they have to report so much bad news? Take the issue of rising prices. The President hasn't raised the price on a single piece of merchandise. Every price hike has been made by the vendors. As the President has pointed out on several occasions, it is the vendors that must be held accountable for rising prices."
"On the issue of rising crime," Psaki continued. "The President hasn't personally shot anyone or stolen anything. It is not his fault that so many among us have exhibited these behaviors. He has patiently explained that it is racial injustice has driven oppressed peoples to take direct action to right the wrongs done to them by white supremacists."
"We're not saying that the media needs to conceal these insalubrious trends," the Press Secretary said. "They just need to go all the way and blame the true culprits. It was Donald Trump who catered to the selfishness that fueled the wrong kind of economic growth. Getting the country onto a track for a more wholesome economy requires tearing down the bad investments made prior to the Biden Administration. We need the media to persuade the people that the pain of this transformation is worth it. They need to remember that for them to get the billions in subsidies the President has promised they must assist in getting the Build a Better America program passed through Congress."
Squad Members Complain About Student Loans
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) and Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich) want Congress to pass a law absolving them of their responsibility to repay their student loans. Both receive an annual salary of $174,000 plus perks that include taxpayer-funded travel, meals, and lodging. Both claim to be too poor to bear the burden of repayment.
In Ocasio-Cortez's case, her remaining debt is $17,000, an amount that she contends is "unacceptable. Since I have dedicated myself to public service by serving in Congress my debts should be paid by the taxpayers I represent." She also admitted to "being miffed that the President hasn't canceled my debt via executive order as he promised he would do before he won the 2020 election."
In Tlaib's case, her remaining debt is $70,000, which she incurred going to law school. She contends that "my own government is profiting off of me. This is not right. As a member of the government I should be supported by the taxpayers. I should not be forced to pay back the loans that the taxpayers forwarded for my benefit. As a lawyer I give superior service to the country by helping pass the laws the people must live by. My congressional colleagues are stabbing me in the back by refusing to pass legislation freeing me of this debt."
In related news, Ocasio-Cortez called reports of smash-and-grab robberies "fake news—just like the supposed moon landings and the claim that Islamic terrorists were the ones who flew the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center in the so-called 9-11 attacks. It's just retailers trying to cover up losses incurred from poor business management."
