Humor/Jokes

[Hoodat]

Nice.

[DCPatriot]

@Kamaji

LOL!  Made me laugh... both my cats launched.   

[Kamaji]

My friend bought a new Tesla!!  It'll run on an electrical charge.  He had to go
back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated.
"Nelson," the technician said to the radio.  The radio replied,
"Ricky or Willie?" "Willie" he continued and "On The Road Again"
flowed from the speakers.  Then he said, "Ray Charles", and in an
instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

My friend drove away so happy and for the next few days every time he'd say,
"Beethoven" he'd get beautiful classical music, and if he said,
"Beatles" he'd get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my friend's
new Tesla, but luckily he swerved in time to avoid her.  He yelled at
her, "Crazy Witch!” The radio replied, "Hillary, Maxine, Kamala,
Warren, Ocasio, or Pelosi?”

He loves this car!

[Kamaji]

Wise Old Indian

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth. You've seen his progress.You've seen his wars."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

The chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[Kamaji]

Phobia

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.



"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"




"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[GtHawk]

[rustynail]

What does a bossy man order at the bar?

~ He orders everyone a round.

[jmyrlefuller]

You have two cows.

Socialism:
You have two cows. One goes to your neighbor.

Democratic socialism.
You have two cows. Your two neighbors, who have no cows, are jealous and decide to vote upon who gets the cows. You're outvoted 2-1 and lose both cows, one to each neighbor.

Communism:
You have two cows. They are property of the state, who gives you some milk.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The state takes their milk and sells it back to you.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Then put both of them in your wife's name and declare bankruptcy.

American bureaucracy:
You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, buys milk from the other cow, then pours the milk down the drain to prop up the market price of milk.

Eco-socialism:
You have two cows. The state takes them, sends them to an animal sanctuary, spays them, and tells you to eat tofu instead.

Mugabeism:
You have two cows. But you're white and not allowed to own cows, so they're taken from you.

Hindu theocracy:
Two cows have you.

[Polly Ticks]

You know, that's a pretty sound plan.  And it gets rid of that whole "youth is wasted on the young" problem, too.

[Kamaji]

Gender

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.

For example...



1) Ziploc Bags-
They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers-
They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire-
Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon-
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges-
Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page-
Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway-
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass-
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer-
Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control-
Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[Smokin Joe]

 

[Kamaji]

[Kamaji]

[Kamaji]

[Kamaji]

[sneakypete]

@Kamaji

In the real world,I am thinking "He lives in a rural area of someplace like Mn,and winter is coming."

I have seen photos of Model A's with tracks on them from the frozen north.

[Kamaji]

@Kamaji

In the real world,I am thinking "He lives in a rural area of someplace like Mn,and winter is coming."

I have seen photos of Model A's with tracks on them from the frozen north.

Apparently, track/ski systems for Model T's were a big thing back in the day - one could swap the hubs out for a set of skis on the front axle, and a set of tracks on the rear axle.

[sneakypete]

Apparently, track/ski systems for Model T's were a big thing back in the day - one could swap the hubs out for a set of skis on the front axle, and a set of tracks on the rear axle.

@Kamaji

Yup. They pretty much either had to do that or go back to using horses in the winter. I don't believe any of those kits were from Ford,but were aftermarket kits that were quick and easy to install,and equally easy to take off to put the wheels and tires back on.

I am guessing that in places like Mn,they were pretty much a necessity for winter travel.

[Kamaji]

Chalk One Up For The Grandparents!


An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

[Smokin Joe]

@Kamaji

In the real world,I am thinking "He lives in a rural area of someplace like Mn,and winter is coming."

I have seen photos of Model A's with tracks on them from the frozen north.

There was an old lady who lived down the street from me who drove a B model Ford. THe car had tires about 4 inches wide and wheels that must have been nearly 30 inches in diameter. She got around great in the snow with it, better than most modern vehicles. The local Ford dealership offered her any car on the lot or in the showroom in exchange for hers, but no, she liked her car, and knew how to drive it (unlike those newer ones). Familiarity brings comfort. Finally, they made a deal with her that they would maintain the vehicle for the rest of her life if she would will it to them in exchange. They made good on it, and eventually, many years later and after she passed, the car was in their showroom--not for sale.

[sneakypete]

There was an old lady who lived down the street from me who drove a B model Ford. THe car had tires about 4 inches wide and wheels that must have been nearly 30 inches in diameter. She got around great in the snow with it, better than most modern vehicles. The local Ford dealership offered her any car on the lot or in the showroom in exchange for hers, but no, she liked her car, and knew how to drive it (unlike those newer ones). Familiarity brings comfort. Finally, they made a deal with her that they would maintain the vehicle for the rest of her life if she would will it to them in exchange. They made good on it, and eventually, many years later and after she passed, the car was in their showroom--not for sale.

@Smokin Joe

The Model B Ford was nothing more than .a 1932 Ford that still had the flathead 4 in it instead of the "new that year" flathead V-8.

The flat 4 actually did better in the snow and mud than the flat 8 because there was less danger of the tires spinning.

[Hoodat]

I've just about had it with this tomfoolery....


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2W8gADOplmY

Ren Höek is da shizzle!

[libertybele]

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.



-- Ron White 

[libertybele]

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Nacho Cheese.

[EdinVA]

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Nacho Cheese.