Author Topic: Humor/Jokes  (Read 12749 times)

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Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #75 on: June 20, 2021, 12:10:04 am »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #76 on: June 20, 2021, 01:04:18 am »

I'm gonna have to get ahead of this one and say "Champ didn't hang himself".
How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #77 on: June 22, 2021, 07:10:27 pm »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #78 on: June 22, 2021, 07:33:19 pm »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #79 on: June 22, 2021, 08:01:54 pm »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline sneakypete

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #80 on: June 22, 2021, 10:20:30 pm »


@corbe

I am thinking I will hit a whole new gear I never even knew I had,one that had me moving so fast my eyes would water.
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #81 on: June 23, 2021, 12:49:23 am »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online Lando Lincoln

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #82 on: June 23, 2021, 02:39:18 pm »
Male Logic---Flawless

Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
There are some among us who live in rooms of experience we can never enter.
John Steinbeck

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #83 on: June 23, 2021, 05:59:03 pm »
« Last Edit: June 23, 2021, 06:38:07 pm by corbe »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #84 on: June 23, 2021, 06:07:24 pm »
   WTF happened to her?


No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline sneakypete

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #85 on: June 23, 2021, 11:30:55 pm »
   WTF happened to her?




@corbe

Yeah,I ain't buying that as a real birth mark. There is not a female in the world that would run around with that on her neck,visible for everyone to see.
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #86 on: June 23, 2021, 11:58:22 pm »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #87 on: June 24, 2021, 12:48:12 am »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #88 on: June 24, 2021, 04:05:38 pm »



Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.

When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your bleep tennis elbow won't get better!

"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

BassWrangler

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #89 on: June 24, 2021, 04:13:26 pm »



Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.

When he put the sample into the machine the next day, the printout read:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your bleep tennis elbow won't get better!

"Thank you for shopping at Walmart"

 :rolling:

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #90 on: June 24, 2021, 11:39:25 pm »
I finally found my ol Lady's G spot.



         Her Sister had it.
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #91 on: June 24, 2021, 11:53:47 pm »
Bass Pro Shops Announces 2-for-1 Sale On All Nuclear Missiles

June 24th, 2021 - BabylonBee.com




U.S.—In a bit of exciting news for firearms enthusiasts and those who wish to deter their government from becoming tyrannical, Bass Pro Shops has announced that its semi-annual 2-for-1 nuke sale will be kicking off this weekend. Every nuclear weapon in the company's arsenal will be completely free with the purchase of any other nuclear weapon.

<..snip..>

https://babylonbee.com/news/bass-pro-shops-to-hold-2-for-1-nuke-sale
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #92 on: June 25, 2021, 02:17:22 am »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline sneakypete

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #93 on: June 25, 2021, 03:24:47 am »
I finally found my ol Lady's G spot.



         Her Sister had it.

@corbe

I wish you the best of luck with that one,as well as a bus ticket out of town immediately. Sisters will get together and turn on you.

Don't ask me how I know this.
Anyone who isn't paranoid in 2021 just isn't thinking clearly!

Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #94 on: June 29, 2021, 09:45:31 pm »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online Smokin Joe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #95 on: June 30, 2021, 04:40:54 am »

"Will trade for six sheets of 3/4 inch plywood..."

He knows what he has, that's for certain.

(I was pricing building materials tonight.)
How God must weep at humans' folly! Stand fast! God knows what he is doing!
Seventeen Techniques for Truth Suppression

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

C S Lewis

Offline 240B

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #96 on: June 30, 2021, 05:32:36 am »
At an intimate table with my date.
The Maître d'hôtel brought me a pringle.
I sniffed it. Nibbled a bit. Then took a bite.
After a second or two ... thinking ... said I, OK!
Bring us the whole tube.

You cannot "COEXIST" with people who want to kill you.
If they kill their own with no conscience, there is nothing to stop them from killing you.
Rational fear and anger at vicious murderous Islamic terrorists is the same as irrational antisemitism, according to the Leftists.

Offline Gefn

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #97 on: June 30, 2021, 12:13:38 pm »


Oh gosh @corbe I just blew my morning cup of coffee out of my nose because I was laughing.
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Offline corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #98 on: July 01, 2021, 12:55:47 am »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online DCPatriot

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #99 on: July 01, 2021, 03:25:32 pm »
Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room
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