Humor/Jokes

[Smokin Joe]

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!     

>groan<

[mountaineer]

A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.

‘What’s up?’ says the driver.

 ‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.

 ‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

[corbe]

MEDICARE "PLAN G-1"

- Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government
says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G-1"!!! The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (
Plan G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot yourself, OR one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you'll receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library,and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip,
knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you about as often as they do now!
Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you
to go into a nursing home. As an added bonus you will get rid of a useless politician while you are
at it.

And, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?

[Hoodat]

MEDICARE "PLAN G-1"

- Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government
says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G-1"!!! The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (
Plan G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot yourself, OR one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you'll receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library,and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip,
knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you about as often as they do now!
Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you
to go into a nursing home. As an added bonus you will get rid of a useless politician while you are
at it.

And, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?

I think you are on to something here, @corbe

[Smokin Joe]

MEDICARE "PLAN G-1"

- Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government
says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G-1"!!! The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (
Plan G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot yourself, OR one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you'll receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library,and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip,
knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you about as often as they do now!
Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you
to go into a nursing home. As an added bonus you will get rid of a useless politician while you are
at it.

And, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?

The only downside is that you won't be able to collect your social security. That said, depending on where you go, I hear the wood shop can be really well set up.

[GtHawk]

The only downside is that you won't be able to collect your social security. That said, depending on where you go, I hear the wood shop can be really well set up.

Wood shop...ain't that what they call the showers in prison?

[Smokin Joe]

Wood shop...ain't that what they call the showers in prison?

Nah. It's where the prisoners make very nice furniture for the Government offices here.

[Right_in_Virginia]

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.  "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.

Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."

"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.

When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….

"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....

[verga]

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.  "You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money.

Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins" the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, Your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need 10 grand right now or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp."

"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.

When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….

"For the last time dad, I train Seals, Navy Seals.....

I thought he was going to bring a bunch of the Miami Dolphins

[libertybele]

What happens to a toad's car when it breaks down?

 It gets toad away.

What do you get when you put three ducks in a box?

A box of quackers!



 

[Cyber Liberty]

[berdie]

  At the lion and the ostrich. 

[libertybele]

I know you've all been waiting patiently for a little Christmas humor

What do elves learn in school?

The Elf-abet!


Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho   


What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?

We'll have a boo Christmas without you.   

[libertybele]

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?

Because it has long-distance runners on each side. 

[Polly Ticks]

Why was the letter "e" the only letter of the alphabet that got a Christmas present?

Because all the other letters were not-e.

[ChemEngrMBA]

The American Medical Association held a conference in MIami so that its members could enjoy the beautiful weather.

One doctor from Manhattan went into the Lottery Bar and ordered a martini. 

Bartender said cheerfully, "That'll be ten cents please."  The doctor could scarcely believe a martini was only a dime, but it was the best drink he ever had!

​"I don't know how you do it, but I'll have another martini, and how about some macadamia nuts?"
"Coming right up.  That'll be a dime for the martini and a dime for a big dish of macadamia nuts."

​"You see, doc, a few years back I hit the Lotto Jackpot and I bought this bar so I could offer the best drinks at giveaway prices.  That way I make new friends every day to talk to.  Great fun!"

​Doctor says, "You're a real sport.  I just have to ask, why are those four gray-haired guys sitting in the corner with no drinks or snacks?"


Bartender:  "You know these Florida seniors.  They're waiting for Happy Hour when everything is half price."

[bigheadfred]

An elderly couple entered a McDonald's and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.

The old man walked over and placed an order for himself.

He unwrapped the burger and cut it in half and put the other half next to his wife. Carefully he counted out the fries and gave her half.

He put two straws in a soda and put it between him and his wife.

The old lady began to eat her half of the burger, whilst people stared at them compassionately.

A young man approached them and offered to buy them another meal.

The old woman replied, “Do not bother, we are used to sharing everything.”

Everyone realized the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.

The young man approached and offered again.

This time it was the old man who explained, “It's okay, we are used to sharing everything.

The young man then asked the old man, “What are you waiting for then?”

He said, “She has the teeth.”

[Bigun]

An elderly couple entered a McDonald's and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.

The old man walked over and placed an order for himself.

He unwrapped the burger and cut it in half and put the other half next to his wife. Carefully he counted out the fries and gave her half.

He put two straws in a soda and put it between him and his wife.

The old lady began to eat her half of the burger, whilst people stared at them compassionately.

A young man approached them and offered to buy them another meal.

The old woman replied, “Do not bother, we are used to sharing everything.”

Everyone realized the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.

The young man approached and offered again.

This time it was the old man who explained, “It's okay, we are used to sharing everything.

The young man then asked the old man, “What are you waiting for then?”

He said, “She has the teeth.”

 

[catfish1957]

That is hilarious.  But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......

It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety.  Man did that ever piss me off.  When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off. 

Well, we all know how those things go.       How many of you have dealt with the same.?

[Bigun]

That is hilarious.  But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......

It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety.  Man did that ever piss me off.  When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off. 

Well, we all know how those things go.       How many of you have dealt with the same.?

My wife and I will soon celebrate our 56th anniversary and STILL debate over whether the Toilet paper goes over or under!

[Cyber Liberty]

My wife and I will soon celebrate our 56th anniversary and STILL debate over whether the Toilet paper goes over or under!

That was one of the first times I just knuckled under.  I already know better than to argue over inconsequential things.

 

[Polly Ticks]

That was one of the first times I just knuckled under.  I already know better than to argue over inconsequential things.

 

We're only at 30 years, but I would tend to agree with you there.  The important thing is that there is TP in the necessary room.  I can always turn it around and/or place it on the holder while I'm otherwise occupied in there!

[Bigun]

That was one of the first times I just knuckled under.  I already know better than to argue over inconsequential things.

 

  These days I mostly just say yes dear and move on.

[Lando Lincoln]

Mrs. Lando and I have 35 years and counting. She put up with my career and the various moves it demanded, Dad and the boys doing guy things, and all that kind of stuff.  If she wants the teeth first, she can have ‘em.

[roamer_1]

That is hilarious.  But i recently did an Alanis Morrissette album review that I discussed how men and women are wired beyond the age old "toilet seat up or down" debate......

It took me 6 months of dating my wife to understand that it is understood that when we order our food, that we share with each other, so we can get a variety.  Man did that ever piss me off.  When she finally broke the news of that expectation, I snapped back that if I wanted that, I'd order that, and bug off. 

Well, we all know how those things go.       How many of you have dealt with the same.?

Nope. No share. MY food. I will tolerate the theft of a french fry or two to prove I love her... No one else could do that much.

That will never change. Heck, even the dog knows better.