Humor/Jokes

[Smokin Joe]

It may be downstream from a GFCI outlet...

But then you'd have to get out of the shower to reset it...

[roamer_1]

That outlet isn't GFCI.

LOL! You're kinda missing the point. 

[libertybele]

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, Some bleep has my pen. 

[libertybele]

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home: "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, please be careful!" Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!" 

[libertybele]

What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.       

[libertybele]

My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest hospital.

I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered through the - frankly very personal - examination.

When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question that sent shivers down my soul: “Who the heck was that?”

[libertybele]

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

[Kamaji]

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

[Cyber Liberty]

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

Choice!

[Gefn]

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

Ooh! Stealing !

[libertybele]

As I was walking into the hospital for my appointment, I came upon a food truck and had to do a double take. 

The sign on the food truck:

PRACTICE SAFE EATING.  USE CONDIMENTS.        

[Kamaji]

As I was walking into the hospital for my appointment, I came upon a food truck and had to do a double take. 

The sign on the food truck:

PRACTICE SAFE EATING.  USE CONDIMENTS.        

[libertybele]

[libertybele]

[Bigun]

 

[Kamaji]

A man goes to his doctor and says ‘Doctor, I have a terrible problem… Every time I urinate, the pee goes everywhere, I can’t control it’.

The doctor says ‘Right, drop your trousers and lets have a look’…

After a quick examination he says ‘Ah, I see your problem, your penis has holes all along its length… I’m going to refer you to a chap I know’.

That’s great says the man, is he an expert on this sort of thing?

‘No’, says the doctor, ‘he’s a flute player, he’ll show you how to hold it’….

[Kamaji]

Sounds Familiar :

Common sense...........

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. 'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. 'The young people of today are much more advanced than people your age.

We grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon and the internet. We have cellphones, nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers, automated manufacturing, amazing technologies, ...and,' pausing to take another drink of beer.

The senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, 'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are YOU doing for the next generation?'

The applause was resounding...

I love senior citizens

[Kamaji]

Government job

A guy goes to the Government to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.

"Okay, have you ever been in the military?"

“Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

[libertybele]

I told my friend that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.  She seemed surprised! 

What do you call a bear with no teeth??    ...............  A gummy bear. 

[Kamaji]

I told my friend that she was drawing her eyebrows too high.  She seemed surprised! 

What do you call a bear with no teeth??    ...............  A gummy bear. 

[corbe]

 
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..

[Kamaji]

 
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..

[berdie]

 
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..

That is not only funny...it's a very valid point.

[sneakypete]

 
What deep thinkers we retired men are! I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap..

@corbe

VERY true!

[libertybele]

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!