Author Topic: Humor/Jokes  (Read 18141 times)

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Offline Right_in_Virginia

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #425 on: October 31, 2022, 03:06:20 pm »
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The Thief says: “Give me your money.” The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: “But, wait! You can’t do that, I am a Congressman!” The thief replies: “Oh, sorry. Give me MY money.”

Offline Kamaji

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #426 on: October 31, 2022, 03:11:29 pm »
A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly. "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy when you don't know crap?" Then she went back to reading her book.



:mauslaff:

Offline EdinVA

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #427 on: October 31, 2022, 03:14:50 pm »
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S21® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT, FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

Online Bigun

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #428 on: October 31, 2022, 03:35:53 pm »
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S21® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT, FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

 888high58888 :beer:
"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."
- J. R. R. Tolkien

Offline Kamaji

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #429 on: October 31, 2022, 05:29:00 pm »
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S21® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT, FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

:mauslaff:

Online corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #430 on: November 03, 2022, 09:33:37 pm »
While installing a new door, I found one of the hinges missing. I asked my wife if she would go to Home Depot to pick one up. She said she would.

While waiting for the Manager to finish serving another customer, her eye caught two beautiful bathroom faucets - one for the sink and one for the bath tub.

When the Manager was ready to help my wife, she asked, "How much are those faucets?"

The Manager replied, "They are gold plated faucets and very expensive! $5,000 each!"

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, they are really expensive - certainly out of my price range!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge I had sent her to buy.

The Manager said he had them in stock and their price was $3.49. He went to the backroom to get them.

From the backroom, the Manager yelled, "Ma'am, you want a screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucets."

This is why you just can't send a woman to Home Depot.
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #431 on: November 14, 2022, 06:27:16 pm »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Offline Right_in_Virginia

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #432 on: November 21, 2022, 04:53:37 am »
It had been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home.

Living in Washington D.C. he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he had ever seen before.

Bewildered, since he hadn’t heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down, stopping for a few moments, and then driving off.

Suddenly, a man knocks on his window. John rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

The man says, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!”

“Oh my gosh!” exclaimed John.

“And they’re asking for a $100 million ransom.”

“Jeez Louise!” moaned John

“Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!”

“Lord have mercy! cried John.

“We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” asked John.

“About a gallon, maybe two. Depending on what you can afford.”


Offline Sighlass

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #433 on: November 23, 2022, 07:41:15 am »
Well yall have wore me down, I am gonna support Trump for reelection in 2024.... I figured it was the best thing I could do since anyone/everyone I have supported has gone down in flames for almost 20 years.
« Last Edit: November 24, 2022, 08:59:20 pm by Sighlass »
Exodus 18:21 Furthermore, you shall select out of all the people able men who fear God, men of truth, those who hate dishonest gain; and you shall place these over them as leaders over ....

Online rustynail

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #434 on: November 24, 2022, 09:11:33 pm »
Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds tonight at 1AM for Thanksgiving.

Offline berdie

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #435 on: November 24, 2022, 10:30:12 pm »
Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds tonight at 1AM for Thanksgiving.



 :rolling: :rolling:

Offline Kamaji

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #436 on: November 25, 2022, 12:15:50 am »
Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 pounds tonight at 1AM for Thanksgiving.

:thumbsup:

Online rustynail

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #437 on: November 25, 2022, 11:16:39 pm »
There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.

He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son!"

Offline Right_in_Virginia

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #438 on: November 26, 2022, 12:10:33 am »

Online libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #439 on: December 05, 2022, 09:38:46 pm »
Romans 12:16-21

Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly, do not claim to be wiser than you are.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all.  If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Offline Kamaji

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #440 on: December 05, 2022, 10:33:54 pm »
There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who started staring at him because he was dressed in really colorful clothing.

He had all this colorful make-up on and his hair was spiked up with red, green, & yellow with feathers. The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin' at,eh? Didn't you do anything strange when you were a teenager?" "Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son!"

:mauslaff:

Online rustynail

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #441 on: December 08, 2022, 07:23:09 pm »
(an oldie)
A guy looking in the classified for a used car...

sees a new Corvette listed for $50. Thinking it's a misprint, he decides to go check it out anyway. Arriving at the sellers residence, it's a dream car, not a scratch on it and it runs great.

"Ma'am, I want to buy this car. But the paper said it was only $50, what do you really want for it?"

"That's right, $50 and it's yours!"

"Excuse me for being nosy, ma'am, but why are you selling it so cheap? Is it stolen or something?"

"No, it's my husbands car. He ran off with his young secretary last month, and two days ago I got a telegram from him saying to sell the Corvette and send him the money!"

Online corbe

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #442 on: December 08, 2022, 08:05:48 pm »
No government in the 12,000 years of modern mankind history has led its people into anything but the history books with a simple lesson, don't let this happen to you.

Online libertybele

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #443 on: December 08, 2022, 08:13:08 pm »
Romans 12:16-21

Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly, do not claim to be wiser than you are.  Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all.  If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all…do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Offline Right_in_Virginia

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #444 on: December 12, 2022, 01:46:30 pm »
A wish to live forever

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "that is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."

"Fine," I said. "Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"

"You're a crafty little bastard," replied the fairy.

Online mystery-ak

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #445 on: December 17, 2022, 11:32:57 pm »
FBI Releases All JFK Documents Except For The One That Says They Killed Him
U.S. · Dec 17, 2022 · BabylonBee.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the direction of the FBI, the National Archives has released all of the government's documents related to John F. Kennedy's assassination - except for the document that says the FBI killed President Kennedy.

"We are happy to finally declassify all of the JFK documents, with one tiny exception," said FBI Director Christopher Wray. "We hope this will put to rest all of those silly conspiracies about how the FBI planned the whole thing, and I really hope no one ever asks us about this again."

The release from the National Archives comes as the FBI has sought to increase public transparency and trust. "We believe shooting straight with people is always the best policy," said Director Wray, his head tilting backward. "It keeps people from believing there may be some second source of information that's being hidden. We hope this release will allow the public to see things from our elevated vantage point."

At publishing time, the FBI had promised to also release further documents about the so-called "moon landing".

https://babylonbee.com/news/fbi-releases-all-jfk-documents-except-for-the-one-that-says-they-killed-him
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Offline EdinVA

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #446 on: December 21, 2022, 02:53:47 pm »
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
 
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
 
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
 
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
 
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
 
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
 
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?
 
 
 
"Not everybody pays."

Offline EdinVA

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #447 on: December 21, 2022, 02:56:23 pm »
*A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
 handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
 staring.*
 
 *He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”*
 
 *She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and
 have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
 about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I
 would find offensive.”*
 
 *“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”*
 
 
 
 *She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…….1) You have to
 be single and2) You must be Catholic.”*
 
 *The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”*
 
 
 *“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”The nun fulfills his fantasy
 with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the
 road, the cab driver starts crying.*
 *“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”*
 
 *“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and
 I’m Jewish.”*
 
 *The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween
 party!*
 

Online mountaineer

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #448 on: January 14, 2023, 12:35:04 am »
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Offline sneakypete

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Re: Humor/Jokes
« Reply #449 on: January 14, 2023, 03:10:09 am »
Bad Lip Reading drops in on Congress.

https://twitter.com/BadLipReading/status/1613353470886834177

@mountaineer

Which ones are code*amed Sheep Dip 1,Sheep Dip 2,etc,etc,etc?
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