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Today's Toons 1/31/11

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This Thread Brought To You By The Letter P:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address before the U.S. Congress tonight. His speechwriters want him to begin by saying that the State of the Union is good. Starting a speech with a good joke is the surest way to get the crowd on your side.

Hawaii's governor said Friday he still can't find Obama's birth certificate. He can't get through the crowd at the hall of records. Looking for Obama's birth certificate has become something tourists love to do late in the afternoon after they've had enough sun.

White House press secretary Robert Gibbs hedged Monday when asked if President Obama has really quit smoking. It's never the smoker's fault. President Obama says he'd like to quit smoking but he can't get the sixty votes in the Senate to make it happen.

Hu Jintao visited a Chicago school Friday which teaches the Chinese language to U.S. kids. Tomorrow's American needs to know Spanish in order to give instructions and Chinese in order to take instructions. English will still be spoken, but only in the traditional masses.

Rahm Emanuel was kicked off Chicago's mayor election ballot by the Illinois appeals court Monday. The judges ruled he didn't meet the one-year residency requirement. Chicagoans don't care how banged up his knee is, they want him out there running.

President Obama urged House and Senate Democrats Friday to get things done and avoid gridlock like last year. That's a lesson the Democrats certainly learned the hard way. Gridlock just gives everybody more time to sit in the car and listen to Rush Limbaugh.

House Republicans vowed to block new spending proposals on Monday. Last session the GOP blocked climate change, amnesty and tax hikes. NFL teams should require all offensive lineman to register Republican to give the quarterbacks more time in the pocket.

President Obama gave his State of the Union speech from the U.S. Capitol in a buoyant mood Tuesday. He'd just received some tremendous economic news. They finally found his birth certificate in Honolulu and discovered that he too is Oprah Winfrey's half-sister.

President Obama in his State of the Union called for lower corporate tax rates and fiscal discipline. He overcame an excruciating personal handicap to give a fine address. He worked with a London speech therapist for a year to learn how to talk to Republicans.

President Obama told Congress on Tuesday he inherited a legacy of deficit spending and that more of it was necessary to put money in people's pockets. It didn't work. The Democrats still lost the House and Rahm Emanuel got kicked off the ballot in Chicago.

Democrats and Republican lawmakers agreed to sit mixed together during the State of the Union, not separated by parties. So they had to ask each other for sit-by dates, risking rejection and humiliation. For crying out loud, the reason they became famous and powerful in the first place was so they'd never have to live through junior high again.

Joe Biden was called home to Delaware Monday to answer a summons to appear in court for jury duty. He can get out of jury duty if he can convince the judge that his job is essential. The trial could last eight weeks, so we may not see him again until April.

China's President Hu Jintao arrived home from his U.S. visit Sunday and said China may stop lending money to the U.S. government. That was a harsh statement which could carry major consequences. He'll be sorry on Father's Day when all we give him is a tie.

Hillary Clinton returned from her extensive trip to the Middle East and Asia last week. Twice she was caught on tape falling up the stairs as she boarded her plane. It would have been the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to her if she'd married better.

The Illinois Court of Appeals ruled Monday that Rahm Emanuel cannot run for mayor of Chicago, but the state supreme court will decide. The appellate court ruled that Emanuel does not meet Chicago's residency requirements. He's not buried in a Chicago cemetery.

President Obama vowed in his State of the Union speech to settle the problem of illegal aliens once and for all. He'd like them to be legal by the next election. By the election after that they'll own their own homes and businesses and vote Republican forever.

The Weather Channel reported the Eastern seaboard got hit with a third snowstorm in three weeks Wednesday. Sub-zero temperatures extended from New England to the Midwest. President Obama declared Mission Accomplished on his plan to freeze spending.

President Obama proposed a five-year spending freeze Tuesday to help create U.S. jobs. He vowed to put people to work without spending any money to put people to work. Obama didn't explain how this is possible but he did just meet with the president of China.

The Illinois Supreme Court put Rahm Emanuel's name back on the Chicago mayor's race ballot Wednesday. It was unanimous. If a Chicago Democrat has the law on his side he argues the law; if he has the facts he argues the facts; if he has neither the law or the facts, it's really bad news for the judge's favorite racehorse and whoever has to wash the sheets.

Iran's government outlawed the observance of Valentine's Day in Iran Wednesday and banned any gift-giving. That'll never happen in America. President Obama plans to enjoy a romantic evening at a fine restaurant, wherever his Teleprompter wants to go.

President Obama in his State of the Union called for lower corporate taxes and a spending freeze and fiscal responsibility and no earmarks. He's certainly a changed man since the election. He sounds like he just spent ninety days at the Jerry Ford Center.

-- Argus Hamilton

Even though President Hu was only in Chicago for two days, by the Rahm Emanuel standard, he was able to establish residency and can now run for mayor of Chicago.

Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty. 

Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage.

President Obama started out his State of the Union address with some happy news. Turns out he’s Oprah’s half brother. You know what that means? We are out of debt!

A judged ruled yesterday that Rahm Emanuel cannot run to be mayor of Chicago because they didn’t consider him a resident. Today a higher court put a stay on the lower court ruling and ordered that Rahm Emanuel’s name be put on the ballot. Why is it so hard to figure out where somebody lives? You know what we should do? Let Netflix decide. If they send you more than five DVDs to one address, that's where you live.

On the way to work today I drove by another homeless guy with a great voice looking for a job: Keith Olbermann.

As you know, just another huge snowstorm back east. It completely shut down Washington, D.C. It’s like the tea party’s dream come true. Mother Nature did what they couldn’t.

This just in: A little while ago the Illinois Supreme Court ruled that Rahm Emanuel can run for mayor of Chicago. The law in Chicago is very clear: Dead people can vote and live people can run.

  -- Leno

A Chicago court ruled that Rahm Emanuel can’t run for mayor in Chicago. But according to Chicago law, Emanuel can still purchase the position.

In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan.

A storm hit the East Coast yesterday leaving 300,000 people in the Washington, D.C., area without power. The 300,000 people without power in Washington are called Democrats.

  -- Conan

In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan.The Republican response was actually somewhat gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner.

Obama's focus tonight was on the economy. He talked a lot about how he wants to create jobs and then announced a plan to freeze government spending. He's promising to put people to work without spending any money to do it, which is what happens after you get a visit from the president of China.

  -- Jimmy Kimmel

Yeah pookie!

Loved this one:


--- Quote from: Oceander on January 31, 2011, 11:35:47 am ---Yeah pookie!

Loved this one:

--- End quote ---

Mornin', Oceander!

Thank you Pookie, Have a great day stay warm


--- Quote from: Davidfxs on January 31, 2011, 11:55:59 am ---Thank you Pookie, Have a great day stay warm

--- End quote ---

You're welcome, David! Wow, another day & a half reprieve from snow!


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