Garlic.
Crosses.
Wooden stakes (or, really, any kind of steak).
Vampires are probably one of the scariest kinds of monsters out there. Vampires are dead and damned creatures of the night. They live (well, you know what I mean) off of the blood of the living by biting people and animals with their long fangs. This is bad for you if you are alive, because this bite then turns you into a living dead vampire too. It seems to be some sort of parasite, similar in nature to the ebola virus, but with a pinch of the gay AIDs thrown in to really make it annoying.... Or it could be some kind of faggy, cancer magic. Vampires are as smart as normal humans (well, I guess that doesn't say much, but some of the older ones are very intelligent and wise, unless they were hippie, retard liberals before they were made undead), and they are pretty strong too. Being damned is the shortcut to working out. Vampires also can "sense" things that normals can't. They can sense fear, they can sense the presence of somebody hiding in the closet who wants to stick a wooden stake in their heart, and they can sense virgins. I mean, wow! I can't even do that and I live in a college town.
Vampires can sometimes change their form into things like bats, wolves and democrats. Yeah, that democrat thing is pretty gay, but think about it. It is a natural state for them.
Now, vampires come in two general packages: old, craggy, Dracula and nosferatu-like ones; and hot, nubile, and busty chick-like ones. The old, scary men vampires are easy to spot and avoid. They're creepy and they really stick out in a crowd, especially with their giant, red capes and slicked back hair; or bald heads, pointy ears and beady little eyes. It's the hot chick vampires that you truly have to look out for. You'll be partying at some dance club, thinking you're hot shit and that you can groove with the best of the retarded clubbers, when all of a sudden some gorgeous, fuckable piece of ass approaches you and starts feeling you up in the middle of the dance floor. Oh MAN! She's just so hot! And you're like, "There's no way I'm this lucky... But what the bleep, why not." Then you sneak her off to the coat check room (?) or some dark, back alley for a quick snoggin' or a shaggin', when all of a sudden she pulls out a coc--...... ummmm, I mean she shows you her "game face," complete with 3 inch fangs and yellow eyes and shit, and you're like "Whooooa! No way baby! If your eyes are glowing, there's no way I'm jumping into you without a parachute." Then the bitch rapes you.. Uh, I mean bites you and sucks you dry. damn bleep Dill! I'm going to sue the shit out of that bleep club!!!
How to kill them -- There are a few good ways to kill vampires, but most require close proximity to the monster, which sucks donkey balls because of the whole "they drink your blood" thing. Wooden stakes through their non-beating hearts are the best way to kill them again (for good). You can also decapitate one with a sword or a chainsaw or something. Get creative. Vampires are weak against garlic (who isn't?), silver, holy water and other Christian jinxes and trinkets. So get yourself a Jesus-on-a-tree necklace if you plan on facing one. Have a non-pedofile priest bless your crucifix necklace for bonus points. Remember, you don't f*ck with the Jesus.
Sunlight kills the shit out of vampires better than wooden stakes. The problem is that most vampires aren't stupid, and know when the sun comes up, so tricking one into staying in a window-filled room or outside till breakfast time may be difficult. A good way to kill a vampire without getting near him is to shoot the bloody bleep with a wooden arrow from a distance. He can't hypnotize you from more than a few feet away, and he definitely can't bite you. You've got to be right on target though, cause if you miss his black heart, he'll more than likely just run the bleep away in order to suck another day. Vampires are fast! Think of how Benny Hill used to run when a mob of angry people was after his tubby ass for peeping in on a women's locker room. The usual vampire can run that fast. Vampires can also be killed by big explosions. You'll find that blowing shit up is probably the best way to kill most monsters that you might come across.
One problem with killing vampires is that sometimes faggy, living humans dress up as vampires for "fun." I can't explain it, and more than likely they can't either, but that doesn't make it any less gay. Where this might get you in trouble though is if you think you've found a vampire, and you stab the bleep in the heart, but then find that he doesn't turn into a puff of smoke and dust (like normal undead creeps do). Instead, you now have a dead retard on a stick with your fingerprints all over him. Depending on how much of a freak the pseudo-vampire was in real life, the police may just let you off with a simple warning. But if the wannabe-vampire had family or friends (unlikely, but still possible), you may be in for a drawn out court battle. Always test to see if your soon-to-be-victim is truly a vampire by kicking him in the nads (if the being in question is a guy), or by fondling her titties (if the being in question is a girl). Male vampires have no feeling in the baby-batter-sack, and they will just shake the attack off, in which case you then stake the shit out of them. A living male-goth-freak will just crumple in pain. As for female vampires, I have no idea if fondling their tits will prove if they are a vampire or not, but it couldn't hurt.
