Author Topic: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***  (Read 15923 times)

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Offline SZonian

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #25 on: July 29, 2016, 03:02:48 pm »
"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS."
 - Andrew Mathis

 "IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK."
 - Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

 "I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE."
 - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

 "THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF."
 - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

 "WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
 - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

 "I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
 - Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

 "WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
 - Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

 "CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE."
 - Former French President Charles de Gaulle

 "THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT."
 - A congressional candidate in Texas

 "THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
 - Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

 "A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE -- SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY."
 - Everett Dirksen
Throwing our allegiances to political parties in the long run gave away our liberty.

Offline SZonian

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #26 on: July 29, 2016, 03:07:33 pm »
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

________________________________________________

ATTO RNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you sh!++in' me?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh... I was getting laid!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? Please!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


(Actually, nowadays, this is a valid question in a courtroom setting - AJ)

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh.... are you qualified to ask that question?

________________________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doc tor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Throwing our allegiances to political parties in the long run gave away our liberty.

Offline SZonian

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #27 on: July 29, 2016, 03:09:57 pm »
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

 As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

 The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff .....

 I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

 We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

 Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

 Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

 Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '

 'And here I am..'

Son of a Gun.. Blonde Men do exist!
Throwing our allegiances to political parties in the long run gave away our liberty.

Offline SZonian

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #28 on: July 29, 2016, 03:10:45 pm »
So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.

The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says 'That's amazing. Where did you get him?'

Bill says, 'Well I got this magic lamp with a genie.'

So the other fellow says that's great could I use it?'

Bill says, 'Sure.' and hands him the lamp.

Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says, 'I want a million bucks'.

Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks!

Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! not DUCKS!'

Bill explained 'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?'
Throwing our allegiances to political parties in the long run gave away our liberty.

Offline 240B

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #29 on: July 29, 2016, 03:11:05 pm »
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE."
 - Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I always wondered about this one. I mean, overall, in the big picture of things, this is a true statement. It would be nice to speak Spanish in particular, but he is not too far off the mark. I always felt that this one really doesn't belong on the list. Just me, I know.

An understanding of Latin gets you a lot of French, Spanish, Romanian, Italian, well...all the Romance languages, as well as quite a bit of English.
You cannot "COEXIST" with people who want to kill you.
If they kill their own with no conscience, there is nothing to stop them from killing you.
Rational fear and anger at vicious murderous Islamic terrorists is the same as irrational antisemitism, according to the Leftists.

Offline SZonian

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #30 on: July 29, 2016, 03:16:32 pm »
Today's Challenge
@L9teen

SZonian - Gamboa, Canal Zone
Throwing our allegiances to political parties in the long run gave away our liberty.

Offline ExFreeper

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #31 on: July 29, 2016, 03:17:07 pm »



"A major source of objection to a free economy is precisely that it gives people what they want instead of what a particular group thinks they ought to want. Underlying most arguments against the free market is a lack of belief in freedom itself." - Milton Friedman

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #32 on: July 29, 2016, 03:17:28 pm »
Trump reacts to Hillary speech.


Offline Polly Ticks

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #33 on: July 29, 2016, 03:20:46 pm »
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________




Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too. -Yogi Berra

Offline Elderberry

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #34 on: July 29, 2016, 03:21:43 pm »
Today's Challenge

Now does from  mean the place that you have left?  If so, from does not apply to me. I am in Texas, Houston(Hobby area).

Offline roamer_1

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #35 on: July 29, 2016, 03:22:59 pm »
@L9teen  @pookie18

Thanx for the laughs!

oh, and

Northwestern Montana

 :beer: :seeya:

Offline Idiot

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #36 on: July 29, 2016, 03:23:39 pm »




LOLOLOLOLOL....so much truth to this.  Thanks @pookie18 and @L9teen!
« Last Edit: July 29, 2016, 03:24:24 pm by mrpotatohead »

Offline pookie18

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #37 on: July 29, 2016, 03:25:58 pm »
@L9teen  @pookie18

Thanx for the laughs!

oh, and

Northwestern Montana

 :beer: :seeya:

(Donald &) my pleasure, roamer_1!

Offline Polly Ticks

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #38 on: July 29, 2016, 03:26:19 pm »
Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too. -Yogi Berra

Offline Resp3

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #39 on: July 29, 2016, 03:26:58 pm »

 Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '

 'And here I am..'

Son of a Gun.. Blonde Men do exist!


That cowboy ain't too bright....

She said to take off her shirt...

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." So I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes," she said, so I did. "Now my bra and panties."

I took them off and she looked at me and said, "Now I don't ever want to catch you wearing my things again."

Offline pookie18

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #40 on: July 29, 2016, 03:27:10 pm »




LOLOLOLOLOL....so much truth to this.  Thanks @pookie18 and @L9teen!

You're welcome, @mrpotatohead!

Offline verga

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #41 on: July 29, 2016, 03:28:39 pm »
Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, was about to finish her first year of college, alongside Hillary Clinton’s daughter, Chelsea. Like so many others her age, Chelsea considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals she was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs — what Ivanka dismissed as “redistribution of wealth.”
Chelsea was deeply ashamed that Ivanka was a rather staunch conservative, and a rich one at that — a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that Ivanka had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what she thought should be hers, rather than benefit society.
One day Chelsea was challenging Ivanka on her opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. “You don’t need to spend money on these expensive furnishings in your huge house when there are people who need to earn more than minimum wage and better food!” she lectured.

To her shock and amazement, all Ivanka said in reply was “Welcome to socialism.”
That’s it? she thought to herself — no argument? But before Chelsea could even think of a follow-up, Ivanka asked, “How are you doing with your studies?” Taken aback, Chelsea answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and said that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew.

She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Ivanka listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?” Chelsea replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She’s always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.”
Ivanka was closing in now. She asked Chelsea, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.” Chelsea, visibly shocked by Ivanka’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That’s a crazy idea, how would that be fair!? I’ve worked really hard for my grades! I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree.

She played while I worked my tail off!” Then Ivanka slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to capitalism.”
In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
�More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.�-Woody Allen
If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise.

Offline Polly Ticks

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #42 on: July 29, 2016, 03:29:58 pm »

That cowboy ain't too bright....

She said to take off her shirt...

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." So I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes," she said, so I did. "Now my bra and panties."

I took them off and she looked at me and said, "Now I don't ever want to catch you wearing my things again."



Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too. -Yogi Berra

Offline mlizzy

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America needs no words from me to see how your decision in Roe v. Wade has deformed a great nation. The so-called right to abortion has pitted mothers against their children and women against men. Human rights are not a privilege conferred by government. They are every human being's entitlement by virtue of his humanity. The right to life does not depend, and must not be declared to be contingent, on the pleasure of anyone else, not even a parent or a sovereign. -Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Offline pookie18

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Offline starstruck

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #46 on: July 29, 2016, 03:48:22 pm »
Today's Challenge
Starstruck. Northeast Kansas before it goes flat.
Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself. They are the American people�s liberty teeth and keystone under independence. � George Washington

Offline verga

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #47 on: July 29, 2016, 03:51:27 pm »
Today's Challenge
I was born the son of a mountain lion and a she wolf raised in the woods or northern Montana until I was 12 years old at which time I had my first bath, I am due for my second tomorrow.
Seriously born in Western New York, currently living in Virginia.
In a time of universal deceit - telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
�More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.�-Woody Allen
If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise.

Offline Gefn

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #48 on: July 29, 2016, 03:57:15 pm »
:@pookie18  and @L9teen thank you for today's laughs!

Now I know the real origin of the great pumpkin. I feel as sad as the time I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. :)

P.S embarrassed to say I'm from the Garden State.  Where the last decent politician we had was the late great Millicent Fenwick.  :patriot:
G-d bless America. G-d bless us all                                 

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Offline Gefn

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Re: ***THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS FOR 7/29/16***
« Reply #49 on: July 29, 2016, 04:01:51 pm »
Since some peeps are telling jokes this is one of my favorite ones- and yes, I'm blonde.


A blonde is at her eye doctors.

Dr: " have your eyes ever been checked?"

Blonde: "No, they've always been blue"
G-d bless America. G-d bless us all                                 

Adopt a puppy or kitty from your local shelter
Or an older dog or cat. They're true love❤️