Author Topic: How to Protect Yourself Against Narcissists  (Read 360 times)

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Offline Quix

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How to Protect Yourself Against Narcissists
« on: May 17, 2016, 01:46:54 am »


By Brené Brown

"The author of Daring Greatly explains how a new definition of the self-obsessed can help us deal with them more effectively."

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http://www.oprah.com/inspiration/How-to-Protect-Yourself-Against-Narcissists?cid=pi_omag_brene_brown_narcissists
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In 2011, a group of researchers conducted a computer analysis of the three decades of hit songs. The researchers reported a statistically significant trend toward narcissism and hostility in popular music. In line with their hypothesis, they found a decrease in usage of words such as we and us and an increase in I and me.
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The researchers also reported a decline in words related to social connection and positive emotion, and an increase in words related to anger and antisocial behavior, such as hate or kill. Two of the researchers from that study, Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell, authors of the book The Narcissism Epidemic, argue that the incidence of narcissistic personality disorder has more than doubled in the United States in the last 10 years.
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. . .  What almost no one understands is how every level of severity in this diagnosis is underpinned by shame. Which means we don't "fix it" by cutting people down to size and reminding folks of their inadequacies and smallness. Shame is more likely to be the cause of these behaviors, not the cure.
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Labeling the problem in a way that makes it about who people are rather than the choices they're making lets all of us off the hook: Too bad. That's who I am. I find it far more helpful, and even transformative in many instances, to look at the patterns of behavior through the lens of vulnerability. For example, when I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the s[h]ame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong or to cultivate a sense of purpose. Sometimes the simple act of humanizing problems sheds an important light on them, a light that often goes out the minute a stigmatizing label is applied.
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I think that Dr Brown makes several good points.
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It's a complex topic. Yet, I think she's right to note that shame is an underlying foundation of narcissism--shame birthed out of ATTACHMENT DISORDER.
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And, likely, attacking a narcissist as 'inherently' self-absorbed, grandiose, power hungry, greedy, demanding etc. is not likely to help a lot, if any.
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True, their behaviors that leave them coming across that way to others need to be seen, understood and overcome. They likely need to dramatically increase their personal insight into their tendencies to behave in those dysfunctional ways. It's just that attacking their few feebly held coping strategies--as dysfunctional as they are--is not likely to help much and certainly not soon.
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That's more true when new ways of coping have not yet been understood and learned.
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And, it's likely that they will need a mentor, a grandmotherly or grandfatherly figure to come ALONG-SIDE of them--with a loving, gentle, and occasionally firm arm around the shoulder helping them see themselves and the world through better eyes; helping them walk out a new way of thinking and being in the world.
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Professionals can help dramatically in such regards. I don't think that they will be sufficient in many cases. An hour a week ore even 3 hours a week of rewiring one's stinkin' thinkin' may not be enough. All the more so if the  individual goes right out and immerses  themselves all over again in relationships that are as dysfunctional and narcissistic as they are.
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They likely need to cultivate rather soon a new list of healthier friends. And how many healthy friends are there to go around. That's a whole 'nother issue!
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Still, we do what we can. And those who are determined to overcome a dysfunctional self-absorbed, shame-filled--cowering/alternately blustering way of being  in the  world and relationships--they CAN overcome and experience a more fulfilling and pleasant life.

Forgive all; In all things Thank God; Love all. Love 1st, most & always... BE CALM & DO THE NEXT LOVING THING.
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