Author Topic: SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 9, 2025 Edition  (Read 261 times)

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Offline John Semmens

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: February 9, 2025 Edition
« on: February 08, 2025, 10:42:32 am »
"USAID Was Making the World Better"

Samantha Powers, the recently fired Administrator of the United States Agency for International Development (USAID), asserted that "the actions taken by Trump and his DOGE goons to defame and gut the agency will do immeasurable harm because USAID was making the world a better place. Though few people know this, USAID was instrumental in the first impeachment of President Trump in December of 2019. Working in cooperation with the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) we got the ball rolling. While Trump was not convicted and removed from office the bad publicity ultimately led to him losing the 2020 to Joe Biden."

"Trump wasn't the only fascist USAID helped lose his grip on power," Powers boasted. "We also funneled tens of millions of dollars into the campaign to defeat Jair Bolsonaro's reelection as president of Brazil in 2022. We also invested in censoring European enemies of democracy like France's Marine Le Pen, Italy's Matteo Salvini, and the United Kingdom's Nigel Farage. We helped to mute their seductive, but dangerous message that the people should freely choose their own leaders."

Sen. Chris Coons (D-Del) declared "the millions that USAID has paid out to the Taliban, the PLO and Hamas is what has kept us safe from domestic terror attacks like we saw on 911. In my book, paying a few hundred million to protect our cities and citizens from being attacked is money well-spent. Trump's intention to sever this pipeline of cash from the USAID to the terrorists will cost lives."

Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn) decried the pending downsizing of USAID, saying "if it hadn't been for the aid given to Somalia when I was a child I wouldn't be a member of Congress today. Allowing others from all parts of the world to enrich America's culture like I have requires that USAID continue its vital work."

Newly confirmed Secretary of State Marco Rubio pointed out that "USAID is not some independent entity. The former leadership of USAID's notion that they can just keep on doing what they've been doing is erroneous. It is an agency funded by taxes collected from the American people. It must be made to work for the benefit of the American people. The people elected Donald Trump to look out for their interests. And from what DOGE has discovered most of what USAID has been doing is of no benefit to the American people."

"Trump & Musk Conducting a Coup"

Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md) went on MSNBC's The ReidOut to warn that "Elon Musk and President Donald Trump are conducting a rapidly expanding and accelerating coup. The President is supposed to protect the government from foreign invaders. Yet, Trump has unleashed a foreigner--Elon Musk--to demolish long-standing agencies for being inefficient."

"In a way, this was predictable," Raskin observed. "Neither Trump nor Musk understands that government isn't supposed to be efficient. Trump and Musk aren't experienced members of the government like most of the members of Congress like myself. They see that the government has a 'merit' system for dealing with employees. They think this means that retention and advancement are based on merit. This is only true during each employee's probationary period, which generally is six-months to a year. If a new hire isn't let go during the probation period he or she can only be fired for 'cause.'"

"Firing someone for cause entails a long and laborious process," the Congressman said. "An allegation that an employee is insufficiently productive is hard to prove because most of those who are no longer on probation tend to be unproductive. Since unproductive is the norm how can anyone be fired as long as he or she meets that standard? The way that government copes with this dilemma is for a manager to simply hire more people in a desperate attempt to appear to be trying to meet the expectations of new presidents and their appointees."

"This norm has been at work for multiple generations," Raskin noted. "Voters routinely vote to reelect the same folks to represent them in Congress and the executive branch. Yes, there are term limits in some cases, but new office holders are typically drawn from the ruling class. Of course, Trump has never been a bona fide member of the ruling class. He's an outsider trying to usurp the role that belongs to a member of the ruling class. He is, essentially an insurrectionist. He must be stopped by those of us who know how to play our roles."

"We Are Reaching a Tipping Point"

Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn) went on MSNBC's All In to inform their nearly 100 viewers that "our country is reaching a tipping point where democracy will no longer be attainable. It's what I would call a 'red alert' moment. Media like MSNBC are losing control of the narrative. Unqualified amateurs with blogs can reach as many people as your network can. We don't have a friendly government to send the FBI out to intimidate them like we did when Biden was president."

"I see a real risk that a Capitol police officer might shoot an unarmed protester against deportations or cuts to government spending and get away with it, maybe even get promoted," Murphy feared. "Or that these protesters would be arrested as enemies of the state or insurrectionists, held for months or years without trials or given unduly harsh punishments in vile cells unfit for human habitation."

"I foresee a dark future where the federal government refuses to pay for abortions and sex change surgeries," the Senator added. "Where undocumented immigrants who commit crimes will be jailed or deported or maybe both. Where borrowers will be expected to pay back the money they received. Where men won't be able to win women's sports championships, and other horrors too gruesome to conceive of--all because we are too cowardly to take the decisive actions needed to avert them."

"Dastardly Deeds" Denounced

Rep. Al Green (D-TX) announced "I am filing papers to impeach Trump for his dastardly deeds. His proposal to turn Gaza into the Middle East's 'Riviera' is a monstrous intrusion against the nation of Palestine. It would completely transform that nation from its longstanding traditions of poverty and hostility toward the neighboring state of Israel. Instead, an alien motif of prosperity and pleasure would displace the eternal struggle that has been their way of life for centuries."

"Trump's actions show a callous indifference toward the Islamic religion," Green ranted. "It is their belief that the pleasures and prosperity Trump wants to impose on them in this life are the rewards Islam promises them in the next life for slaying the enemies of Allah."

Green also tore into Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, saying "where is the honor he owes to the Jews long-time rivals for the possession of these lands? Sure, it is pretty much a wasteland after more than a year of open warfare, but it is one the two sides made themselves. Using outside money to rebuild it in the image of the Riviera is emasculating for both sides."

"I am calling on my fellow members of Congress to impeach and remove Trump and appoint former President Biden to finish the second term he was so unfairly denied in the past election," the Congressman urged.

Congresswoman Declares War Against DOGE

At a protest against the policies of President Trump, Rep. LaMonica McIver (D-NJ) urged a mob of her fellow Democrats to "shut down the city because we are at war." She was particularly incensed that "hundreds of thousands of the federal workers we have brought into the government could lose their jobs if the so-called Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) succeeds in reducing the so-called waste and corruption that has ballooned the public debt. We Democrats aren't opposed to efficiency as a concept, but a line must be drawn if anyone has to lose his or her job to achieve it."

"Trump has improperly authorized DOGE access to sensitive information that could identify individuals that could be blamed for fraudulent disbursements of funds, poor job performance, or other actions that could lead to their dismissal," McIver complained. "This violates long time practices of guaranteed lifetime job-security for federal workers that have been carefully negotiated with the American Federation of Government Employees and the Service Employees International Union."

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt explained that "DOGE is acting under the authority of President Trump. Mr. Musk and his team have abided by all applicable federal laws in their efforts to make the federal government a better steward of the enormous quantity of money taxed away from the American people. As the elected champion of the American people, it would be irresponsible for President Trump to not take the actions necessary to ensure that taxes are only as high as necessary to accomplish tasks that are necessary for the good governance of the nation. No employee can reasonably expect that they should be retained to work on unnecessary tasks or if their performance on necessary tasks isn't up to the President's expectations."

"We'll see if the courts agree with Ms. Leavitt's harsh demand that redundant or unproductive federal employees should lose their positions," McIver said. "For generations government jobs have served as a safety net for those not competent to provide value commensurate with the salaries they are being paid."

In related news, the nonpartisan Government Accountability Office (GAO) reported that in fiscal 2023 alone, the Biden Administration spent $236 billion on improper payments in 71 federal programs. An estimated 75% were over payments for products or services. Musk pointed out that "this doesn't even deal with whether what was paid for is actually needed. When we evaluate that aspect I'm confident we can achieve even greater savings."
« Last Edit: February 08, 2025, 01:39:58 pm by mystery-ak »