Donald Trump is surging in the polls and thrusting his way into the hearts and minds of American voters. That thing with the stock market proves he’s right about China, just as he’s right about most things. It’s an empirical fact, for example, that Heidi Klum is no longer a 10—and we’re sorry, Heidi, not all women are tens, either. For speaking the truth about Klum alone, Trump will make a fabulous president. But the task of making America great again is bigger than any one tremendously classy man. History’s boldest leaders, such as Napoleon, have always surrounded themselves with top talent. Trump is sure to follow suit. Here is an exclusive look at his future cabinet:
Vice President: Caitlyn Jenner
Classy, elegant, conservative
Secretary of State: Dennis Rodman
Experienced diplomat, crashes the boards
Secretary of Defense: Hulk Hogan
American hero, world champion
Attorney General: Louie Gohmert
Former judge, legal scholar, won’t hesitate to bring Eric Holder to justice
Secretary of Homeland Security: J.J. Watt
Border-state experience, great tackler
Secretary of Agriculture (Honorary): Rosie O’Donnell
“Because she’s a fat cow, all she does is eat.” —Trump
Secretary of Agriculture (Acting): Donald Trump
Successful land owner, well-versed in the procurement of government subsidies
Secretary of Commerce: Omarosa
“She gets it. She’ll do a great job.”
Secretary of Labor: Mike Tyson
“Makes Dick Trumpka look like a little bitch.”
Secretary of Energy: Sarah Palin
Drill, baby, drill
Secretary of Health & Human Services: Yoga Pants
Promoting a healthy lifestyle while looking fabulous
Secretary of Transportation: Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
Loves America, knows how to win
Secretary of Education: Olivia Culpo
“If my teachers had looked like her, I probably wouldn’t have done so incredibly well in school.”
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Kate Upton
Because our veterans deserve the best
IRS Commissioner: Barron Trump
A tax code so simple a child could’ve written it
EPA Administrator: Grave Digger
Make America great again, dammit
United States Trade Representative: Bernie Sanders
Agrees with Trump on most issues, especially trade
White House Chief of Staff: n/a
“I think I know what I’m doing, okay? I’ve got billions.”
White House Communications Director: Harley Brown
Enemy of political correctness, Free Beacon Man of the Year
White House Press Secretary: Newt Gingrich
Media relations expert, profound thinker
Special Envoy to the Muslim World: Pamela Geller
“Reasonably hawkish, and I probably would’ve dated her 30 years ago.”
