Mother Jones Contemplates The Ways Obama Could Kill Santa And Annihilate The North Pole
By Brian Anderson, December 24, 2014.
As we all know, liberals have a really hard time getting into the holiday spirit. There’s something about family, togetherness, and good will that really sets the left off this time of year. With that in mind, Mother Jones has posted an article about how President Obama could use the military to blow the sh*t out of the North Pole and assassinate Santa Claus.
Obviously, What Would Happen If We Really Went to War Against Christmas? is supposed to be a snarky reaction to conservatives that are upset over liberal attempts to destroy Christmas tradition, but it seems more like the fantasy of a petulant kid who didn’t get enough attention from mommy and daddy.
Check out the opening to get a feel for the author’s attempt at humor and contempt for the holiday:
You’ve heard about the “War on Christmas,” a cynical but largely successful attempt by grown men and women to drive up cable news ratings and sell terrible books. But what about an actual war on Christmas? If President Barack Obama wanted to take down Santa Claus*, how would he do it? And would it work?
Are you in stitches? I actually am but for a different reason that I’ll explain later.
The author looks at the many ways in which Santa could be eliminated from an all out military assault of the North Pole to drone strikes. He also weighs the benefits of an Osama bin Laden type of covert operation. Ultimately, the author opts for a communist solution where the US would encourage an elf revolution to topple the Claus regime.
None of this is clever or funny, but what I did find hilarious is the author’s lack of understanding about how our Commander In Chief handles foreign policy. If Obama were to go to war with Santa, first off there would be no declaration of war. Obama would dismiss the North Pole forces as the “JV team” and withdraw all US troops from the region.
Then, Obama would use executive action to halt all Christmas operations in America. Obviously, Santa would ignore the order to which Obama would build a coalition of anti-Christmas countries. Along with Iran, Kazakhstan, and the Republic of Chad, the coalition would engage in a multi-billion dollar (paid by the US of course) air campaign. The air strikes would do little to deter Santa from delivering toys to the children of the world, mostly taking out penguins and Inuit villages.
Obama would not seek Congressional approval for this war, but he would request them to fund it at the same time he demanded that the military budget be slashed. Al Gore would come in to consult, insisting that Santa’s toy-making operation is causing the Arctic ice shelf to melt, prompting sanctions and EPA regulations. Al Sharpton would advise the President that Santa, a white man, was exploiting the labor of elves of color, adding racial urgency to the war.
At this point in the conflict, Obama would arrange a prisoner exchange that saw us trading 5 hardcore elvin fighters for a park ranger that deserted his post and renounced his American citizenship. Obama would also secretly release dozens of North Pole enemy combatants from Gumdrop Bay prison.
Secretary of State John Kerry would escalate things by making threats that Obama is not prepared to back up. Eventually, Russian President Vladimir Putin would step in and negotiate peaceful terms everyone could live with making Kerry and Obama look like hapless nincompoops.
The author of this Christmas hit peace actually gets it right that we would lose a war against Christmas, but he gets it wrong about why. We wouldn’t loose because Santa is an overwhelming adversary, but rather because President Obama is incompetent in everything except dividing the nation along racial, political, and economic lines.
It’s pretty disturbing that someone spent this much time thinking about ways to kill Santa Claus, but it’s nothing compared to how the author ends this blood fantasy. With one of the nastiest spoilers ever (which I refuse to reprint here) the author attempts to ruin every single childhood in America. Not that I think kids actually read Mother Jones, but it really shows what a grinchy bleep the writer is.
http://downtrend.com/71superb/mother-jones-contemplates-the-ways-obama-could-kill-santa-and-annihilate-the-north-pole/
