Author Topic: The Jukebox from Hell  (Read 64529 times)

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Offline Chieftain

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The Jukebox from Hell
« on: June 22, 2012, 10:28:48 pm »
This is not meant to compete with Lando's ongoing artistry in any way, but rather to accent it.

What I want here is the absolute worst video and music recordings you know of.  Everybody has a couple of songs that put their teeth on edge, and this is the place for 'em.  Tasteless, off key, stunningly poor performances and idiotic costume malfunctions....let's see 'em boys and girls....

To start off, here is one of the songs that Rush Limbaugh uses for his Gay Updates...


Klaus Nomi - You don't own me [1981]

Next??

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2012, 10:34:01 pm »
I think I got you all beat


Van Halen - (Oh) Pretty Woman
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Offline andy58-in-nh

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2012, 10:50:38 pm »
I think I got you all beat

Okay, I'll admit that your Van Halen video "Pretty Woman" is in fact, Pretty Horrible, so much so that it might have been partly responsible for Roy Orbison's untimely departure from this vale of tears.

But for that singular, why-aren't-I-ripping-out-my-own-eyeballs-rather-than-watching-this-dreck experience, may I present Mr. Daivd Hasselhoff, who it seems, is "Hooked on a Feeling....


David Hasselhoff - Hooked On A Feeling"
"The most terrifying force of death, comes from the hands of Men who wanted to be left Alone. They try, so very hard, to mind their own business and provide for themselves and those they love. They resist every impulse to fight back, knowing the forced and permanent change of life that will come from it. They know, that the moment they fight back, their lives as they have lived them, are over. -Alexander Solzhenitsyn

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2012, 10:55:54 pm »
OMG..I forgot about David Hasselhoff...I'll never get those three and a half minutes back...this is a close call!
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Offline andy58-in-nh

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2012, 11:04:55 pm »
OMG..I forgot about David Hasselhoff...I'll never get those three and a half minutes back...this is a close call!

Oh, I could just be getting warmed up... if taunted enough, that is...  :smokin:

How's about the video that single-handedly destroyed Billy Squier's admittedly thin career? (Hint: he dances like you imagine Barack Obama dances...)


Rock Me Tonight
"The most terrifying force of death, comes from the hands of Men who wanted to be left Alone. They try, so very hard, to mind their own business and provide for themselves and those they love. They resist every impulse to fight back, knowing the forced and permanent change of life that will come from it. They know, that the moment they fight back, their lives as they have lived them, are over. -Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Offline andy58-in-nh

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2012, 11:14:23 pm »
A lot of lovely things come from Finland: hot tubs, aquavit, ravishing blondes in tiny swimsuits.... this was not one of them...


Oh God, Please Make it Stop. I'll Pay You. Really.
"The most terrifying force of death, comes from the hands of Men who wanted to be left Alone. They try, so very hard, to mind their own business and provide for themselves and those they love. They resist every impulse to fight back, knowing the forced and permanent change of life that will come from it. They know, that the moment they fight back, their lives as they have lived them, are over. -Alexander Solzhenitsyn

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2012, 11:19:32 pm »
"It aint what you don't know that kills you.  It's what you know that aint so!" ...Theodore Sturgeon

"Journalism is about covering the news.  With a pillow.  Until it stops moving."    - David Burge (Iowahawk)

"It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living" F. Scott Fitzgerald

Offline andy58-in-nh

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #7 on: June 22, 2012, 11:32:53 pm »
Playmates - Beep Beep (The Little Nash Rambler)

Hey, I always liked that song. Reminds me of all the times as a young buck when I got pulled over by the local constabulary for going a wee bit over the limit while the girl next to me struggled to get herself in proper condition for a flashlight inspection...  I still jump at blue lights in my rearview.  At least now, I always have my pants on.
"The most terrifying force of death, comes from the hands of Men who wanted to be left Alone. They try, so very hard, to mind their own business and provide for themselves and those they love. They resist every impulse to fight back, knowing the forced and permanent change of life that will come from it. They know, that the moment they fight back, their lives as they have lived them, are over. -Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2012, 01:10:04 am »
From the infamous 1968 album The Transformed Man, here's the second-worst musical act to come out of Canada (but more on Nickelback later), William Shatner, with quite possibly the worst of the six tracks to come off the album, a cover of the Bob Dylan classic "Mr. Tambourine Man."


William Shatner - Mr Tambourine Man
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Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #9 on: June 23, 2012, 01:19:37 am »
In 1979, the Japanese pop duo Pink Lady had conquered their home nation and decided to conquer the world, starting with the United States. The problem was that the duo knew very little English. Did that stop them? Not in the least. After one top-40 hit, and a CBS news story, Fred Silverman (at the time the president of NBC) decided to sign them for a variety show, a format that was already in decline. The result-- Pink Lady and Jeff-- became known as one of the worst TV series in history and was canceled after five episodes in 1980. The move left Pink Lady's career in shambles, and they retreated to Japan and eventually into retirement. They've since reunited.

Here's their only top-40 hit, peaking at #37 on the Hot 100 in 1979, "Kiss in the Dark."


Pink Lady: "Kiss in the Dark"
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Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #10 on: June 23, 2012, 01:48:28 am »
I think this one may have been intentionally bad, but they did a great job of it. French Canadian songstress Madame St. Onge belts out this 1960s vintage travesty.


Worst Records Ever Made - Mme St Onge

I could go on all night...
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Offline Chieftain

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #11 on: June 23, 2012, 01:50:59 am »
When I was on shore duty (briefly) at NATC Lakehurst NJ, the crew took a 1 hour lunch break to watch two shows.  The first was the daily episode of "Soap", and the other was the daily segment of "The Gong Show".

Not exactly a jukebox item but some of the very worst talent on display in one place on a regular basis, ever.

I dare you to turn it up and listen to this rendition of John Denver's "Country Roads"....


1977 Gong Show All Star Special Part 7

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Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #12 on: June 24, 2012, 09:08:43 pm »
Ladies and gentlemen of the Briefing Room, I present to you what I believe is the only song performed by renowned male model and 1990s icon Fabio. In 1994 he recorded an album, Fabio After Dark. It was actually part-compilation album of songs to, well, set the mood and part Fabio describing his idea for the perfect romance (thick Italian accent at all) to some sort of late 80s/early 90s R&B slow jam beat.

And then there was this... yes, Fabio singing.


Fabio - When Somebody Loves Somebody

(EDIT: It seems that the new software no longer allows YouTube video embedding. Aw, shucks.)
« Last Edit: June 24, 2012, 09:15:02 pm by jmyrlefuller »
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Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #13 on: June 27, 2012, 12:34:30 am »
Burt Bacharach has written some classic music. One of his best is a tune known as "(They Long to Be) Close to You," which was a hit for the Carpenters in 1970. So why is it being included in the Jukebox from Hell?

Well, in 2001 or so, Heineken, the beer company, decided to put together a commercial that would act as a psychological weapon: assemble some of Britain's most infamous and disliked celebrities and have them sing this song as badly as possible until sales of Heineken went up. The guy at the piano is renowned magician and outspoken conservative Paul Daniels, with his wife and assistant on the swing. The woman lowered down from the moon is Vanessa Feltz, a talk show host (think the UK's answer to Jenny Jones or Ricki Lake). The rest of the assorted weirdos are ones I don't recognize, but their eccentric appearances should tell you enough.

The end of the commercial series has them being attacked by lions.

Now, I apologize, but the only full version of this song I could find has the captions written over in Turkish. Most of it's available in bits and pieces with the original English captions.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6ZaXhNY_iQ
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Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2012, 11:40:53 pm »
The Portsmouth Sinfonia was an orchestra conceived by England's Portsmouth School of Art; its distinguishing characteristic was that its members were all novices at the instruments they played. (That wasn't to say they weren't musically skilled; "clarinetist" Brian Eno was in fact a skilled producer and keyboardist, a pioneer in the genre of ambient music.) Instead of having them play typical elementary school fare, the conductor plunged this group of n00bs directly into the classics and had them attempt to play the music as written, as well as they possibly could.

Alas, at least for the first few years, the results were (predictably) laughable. After a few years, the members of the orchestra slowly got accustomed to their instruments, and despite efforts to branch off into other genera, the novelty wore off and within a decade they were inactive.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Briefing Room, I present one of their earliest, and most infamous, recordings, an adaptation of Richard Strauss's "Also Sprach Zarathustra," made famous by the film 2001: A Space Odyssey.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6piDRKOwh88
« Last Edit: July 02, 2012, 11:42:40 pm by jmyrlefuller »
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Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #15 on: July 06, 2012, 10:15:24 pm »
Ladies and gentlemen of the Briefing Room, I present to you Exhibit A in the case against mixing popular music with kazoos. Here is the Temple City Kazoo Orchestra, from the California city of the same name, with their atrocious cover of the Bee Gees classic, "Stayin' Alive."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGDVGzeq6ug
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Offline Chieftain

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #16 on: July 07, 2012, 01:15:00 am »
One of my all time favorite worst singers ever is Florence Foster Jenkins.  She was beyond bad, but oblivious, and gave live concerts attended by her personal pianist...

Per Wiki....

Quote
From her recordings it is apparent that Jenkins had little sense of pitch and rhythm, and was barely capable of sustaining a note. Her accompanist can be heard making adjustments to compensate for her tempo variations and rhythmic mistakes. Her dubious diction, especially in foreign language songs, is also noteworthy. Nonetheless, she became popular for the amusement she provided. Critics often described her work in a backhanded way that may have served to pique public curiosity.[citation needed]

Despite her patent lack of ability, Jenkins apparently was firmly convinced of her greatness. She compared herself favorably to the renowned sopranos Frieda Hempel and Luisa Tetrazzini, and dismissed the abundant audience laughter during her performances as "professional jealousy." She was aware of her critics, but never let them stand in her way: "People may say I can't sing," she said, "but no one can ever say I didn't sing."[citation needed]
   
Her recitals featured a mixture of the standard operatic repertoire by Mozart, Verdi, and Johann Strauss (all well beyond her technical ability); lieder by Brahms; Valverde's "Clavelitos" ("Little Carnations"), a favorite encore; and songs composed by herself or accompanist Cosmé McMoon, who reportedly made faces at Jenkins behind her back to get laughs.[citation needed]

Jenkins often wore elaborate costumes that she designed herself, sometimes appearing in wings and tinsel, and, for "Clavelitos", throwing flowers into the audience from a basket (apparently on one occasion, she hurled the basket as well) while fluttering a fan and sporting more flowers in her hair. After each performance McMoon would collect the flowers from the auditorium in readiness for redistribution during the next show.[citation needed]

After a taxicab crash in 1943 she discovered that she could sing "a higher F than ever before", and sent the cab driver a box of expensive cigars.[4]

In spite of public demand, Jenkins restricted her rare performances to a few favorite venues and one annual recital at the Ritz-Carlton ballroom in New York City. Attendance was limited to her loyal clubwomen and a select few others; she handled distribution of the coveted tickets herself. At the age of 76 she finally yielded to public demand and performed at Carnegie Hall on October 25, 1944. Tickets for the event sold out weeks in advance. Jenkins died a month later at her residence, the Hotel Seymour in Manhattan.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjURO9L5fdc&feature=related

Murder on the High C's.....

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Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #18 on: July 09, 2012, 12:43:23 pm »
You may have heard of the concept of a supremely bad product becoming a bigger hit than a good one; after all, that is one of the major plot points of Mel Brooks's film and musical The Producers. Well, it happens in real life, too. Circa 1980, Cynthia Frantz, a law student and resident of the Bay Area's alternative music scene, decided to take on the persona of "Gloria Balsam" and recorded a single with two songs, the first being a rock-and-roll cover of Frank Sinatra's "High Hopes" (which, unfortunately, I don't believe is on YouTube) and a maudlin ballad about a puppy, "Fluffy." Both feature horrendously off-key singing.

Here's "Fluffy."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WehN8X_VkE
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Offline U-238

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Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #20 on: July 14, 2012, 03:18:43 pm »
Larry "Wild Man" Fischer had a reputation as an eccentric street performer in southern California. He briefly had an association with the legendary Frank Zappa, who released Fischer's first album, An Evening with Wild Man Fischer. Fischer was seriously mentally ill, which led to him being institutionalized as a teen (he escaped without anyone bothering to put him back in) and throwing a glass jar at Zappa's daughter, which ended his association with Zappa.

Fischer's style can be described as erratic, stripped-down with very little instrumentation, and an almost-sobbing, wildly off-key style of singing. He had a knack for writing fairly good songs, but what he lacked (or perhaps purposely avoided) was the ability to make them sound anything resembling professional.

Fischer, alas, died last year.

Here's what appears to be an attempt at one of those cheesy sunshine pop songs, "Merry Go Round:"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHqR1Rql5r8
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Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #21 on: July 15, 2012, 12:24:36 pm »
Continuing my theme of schizophrenic musicians is the case of Wesley Willis. Willis, who hailed from Chicago, wasn't so much a singer as he was a ranter. Many of his songs (none of which are safe for playing here) were meant to be so disgusting that they would scare off the demons that haunted him throughout his life. The rest of his body of work consisted mainly of odes to all things Chicago. In the first few years of his "musical career" he ranted with the backing of a full punk-rock band, the Wesley Willis Fiasco. In later years, he carried around an electronic keyboard to provide accompaniment. Willis died in 2003, aged 39 years.

Here's perhaps one of his most famous compositions, a tribute to the "Rock and Roll McDonald's" restaurant in Chicago, also entitled "Rock and Roll McDonald's."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cp3Cs3tDuR8
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Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #22 on: July 16, 2012, 11:58:02 am »
Today's entry in the Jukebox from Hell is a lesson in prophecy. As the story goes, Austin Wiggin received a series of prophecies from his mother as a child, one of them being that his daughters would become famous musicians. When her other prophecies started coming true, Wiggin, who had sheltered his family from the sins of rock-and-roll music, decided to basically force his four daughters, Dorothy, Helen, Betty and Rachel, to form a band and record an album.

The result was a band known as The Shaggs and their album, Philosophy of the World. Derided as some of the worst music ever recorded, the Shaggs naturally didn't get taken very seriously. Austin Wiggin's dreams were crushed-- or so it seemed. Over the years, they slowly got better and in 1975 Wiggin decided to try again and brought his daughters back in the studio for their next album, Shaggs' Own Thing. Wiggin died during the recording sessions and the daughters, who always resented the whole thing, never released the album and disbanded the group forevermore. (Shaggs' Own Thing would get released in 1982; they'd reunite once in 1999.)

It was only in 1980 that Philosophy of the World was discovered by record executives, who believed it was so bad it was good and gave the album a wide release. They became infamous among "outsider music" aficionados and the album received wide praise, if only for its cathartic value.

The moral of the story: prophecies almost never turn out the way you expect them to turn out.

Here's a track from Philosophy of the World, which is kind of creepy knowing the story. "Who Are Parents?"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cs1BIlglzI
« Last Edit: July 16, 2012, 12:02:31 pm by jmyrlefuller »
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Offline jmyrlefuller

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #23 on: July 17, 2012, 10:46:35 am »
Today's entry in the Jukebox from Hell is "Sultry" Sondra Prill, a late 1980s public access starlet from down in Florida. Unlike my other entries in this thread, she doesn't have much of a story... but like the others, she also doesn't have much talent. Watch her butcher Janet Jackson's hit "Nasty:"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZFrmFhXkr0
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Offline Luis Gonzalez

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Re: The Jukebox from Hell
« Reply #24 on: July 18, 2012, 03:28:37 am »
Here's my entry/entries.

The original video first by O-Zone, a pop trio from Moldova, the second, the parody by Los Morancos, a Spanish comedy team.

The Spanish comedy team opens the song with some of the greatest lyrics ever to a disco song, as they face each other and sing:

Faggot who?
Faggot you!
Faggot me?
Faggot ha ha!



Fiesta! Fiesta!


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