http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2014/12/politics-naughty-nice-list-113689_full.html#.VJQ3l_8RBsWho’s Been Naughty and Nice in Politics?
Santa came to town and left a list of this year’s bad and good. Check it out (twice if you want).
By MATT LATIMER
December 18, 2014
It’s been a very busy year in America’s capital, and once again Santa has been making his list and checking it twice, deciding which of our favorite politico types have been naughty and which have been nice. One of those lists is markedly longer than the other
And remember: Santa is nonpartisan. He has no agenda except the truth–kind of like Lois Lerner. Now to the list.
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The (former) editors of the New Republic
A cocky rich guy buys a company and then decides to make a fool of himself by running it into the ground? Welcome to capitalism, liberals. At first, Santa was on the side of the editorial staff—the most proudly unemployed people since the happy campers of Occupy Wall Street. That is, until they contributed to a media pile-on of Chris Hughes so smug, narcissistic and deeply personal that even Bill Cosby pitied him. Santa would leave each of you lumps of coal, but he’s afraid that you’d use them to set Hughes’ house on fire.
Santa says: NAUGHTY
***
The creators of BuzzFeed
It won’t be long before even National Geographic labels itself “a vertically integrated digital media company,” whatever the heck that means. Kudos, BuzzFeeders. Your success demonstrates anew Washington’s unofficial slogan: If you can’t beat them, steal their idea, and then spend a bundle of money on less talented people doing it worse.
Santa says: NICE
***
DNC Chairwoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz
She may be on the outs in Washington, but this year the Democratic Party chairwoman came up with the most fiendish plot yet to ruin the Republicans: Put them in charge of Congress. They already regret it. Truly diabolical.
Santa says: NAUGHTY
***
John Boehner and Mitch McConnell
All year long, they promised a revolution in Washington if voters handed them power. Now both GOP leaders are busy lowering expectations, talking, in the speaker’s words, about their “limited power and limited abilities.” To conservatives, these guys are like the parents who hand their kids a gauzy, grandly wrapped package only to put socks and underwear inside. At least they’ve made some people in Washington happy—the consultants and lobbyists who like things the way they are, thank you very much.
Santa says: (Depressingly) NICE
***
Everyone advising Hillary Clinton
Are the voters Ready for Hillary? In 2014, the real question was whether Hillary was ready for the voters. Earlier this year, Secretary Clinton’s team foolishly raised sales expectations for the drudgery known as her latest memoir. Readers snapped up the tome by the dozens, no doubt compelled by a snoozy, sad-sack title—“Hard Choices”—and warmed-over platitudes so safe that she made Queen Elizabeth look like a reckless loudmouth. Now, they are putting their candidate in speaking venues with notably empty seats. Who is choreographing Hillary’s PR team—Justine Sacco? Lumps of coal for all concerned in this bizarre misadventure. And, one hopes, pink slips, too.
Santa says: NAUGHTY
***
William Jefferson Clinton
The last word that used to come to mind when discussing the former president was “restraint.” But this year the politician formerly known as “Midnight Bill” has displayed all of the allure of a Microsoft Surface tablet. By year’s end, former President Clinton will have notched another 365 scandal-free days under his belt. With moves by the United States and Cuba to normalize relations, Santa is sending the former president some well-deserved cigars. On second thought ...
Santa says: NICE
***
The Bushes
Things have come far too easily for the Republican Party’s first family—and, frankly, that’s become a little boring. So this year the legendarily competitive Bushes are taking it up a notch—planning to win the Republican race by attacking the views of most Republican voters. Naturally, the D.C. crowd hasn’t been this giddy since the days of Jon Huntsman. Sadly, it’s hard for Santa to think that the Bushes are in it this time for anything more than a few laughs—and maybe another book for W. to write when he’s not painting pictures of himself in the shower.
Santa says: NAUGHTY
***
Joy Woodhouse
The no-nonsense North Carolina mom publicly spanked her bickering politico sons live on C-SPAN, speaking on behalf of a nation bored to death of meaningless bickering between the two parties. Rumor has it that she’s up for a job that will really put to the test her experience refereeing childish tantrums, petty jealousies and internal dysfunction—head of programming at CNN.
Santa says: NICE
***
The IT department of the Obama administration
These guys don’t know how to save emails. They don’t know to retrieve emails that were saved. And they put together a health care website with the skill of a mom who just joined Facebook (“HOW DO YOU TURN OFF THE CAPS LOCK AGAIN, HONEY?”). Of course, they’re probably still on Friendster.
Santa says: NAUGHTY
Amy Pascal
Thirty years from now, official Washington will realize that the embattled Sony head was part of the most brilliant U.S. government intelligence operation since Argo. Letting the Dear Leader Who Must Not Be Named censor all the stupid ideas in Hollywood will distract him from blowing up the world for decades.
Santa says: NICE
***
Senator Elizabeth Warren
A one-term left-wing senator from Harvard belonging to an underrepresented minority group* dares to interfere with the Hillary Clinton coronation? How 2008.
The former Reagan Republican turned left-wing idol has campaigned selflessly for candidates across the country, raising them millions. She’s criticized the Obama administration from the principled left. And she’s told everyone who will listen that she has no plans to run for president, will not run for president (this time), and that running for president is the furthest thing from her mind. She’s in. (*fact check)
Santa says: NAUGHTY
***
RNC Chairman Reince Priebus
In 2012, every network, interest group and political junkie with a power cord and a laptop tried to sponsor a presidential debate. And what did we get in return? First, Americans got to envision a doughy 68-year-old grandfather discuss whether he asked his ex-wife for an open marriage. Second, we watched goofy millionaires making $10,000 bets with each other. And third, ... oops, I forgot the third thing. Santa salutes the RNC chairman for clamping down on the number of GOP primary debates next year and in the process limiting the damage to Americans’ brain cells.
Santa says: NICE
***
The personnel vetters at the Pentagon
This administration’s first secretary of defense left office and wrote a tell-all book that made the president look foolish. Its second choice, Leon Panetta, left office and wrote a tell-all book that made the president look weak. Its third secretary of defense was depicted in leaks to the New York Times and other publications as a lazy incompetent. Time for you folks to stop leaving the vetting for this rather important job to the fact checkers of Rolling Stone.
Santa says: NAUGHTY
***
Mitt Romney, 2014 version
By the dawn of this year, practically no one believed that a fed-up nation would turn its lonely, frustrated hearts to ... the man they couldn’t stand just two years earlier. Or four years before that. Yet somewhere in a Boston laboratory the team behind the candidate once affectionately dubbed “Mitt Rombot” finally got things right. Now, with a savvy Netflix documentary and the clever use of thoughtful press statements to rehabilitate his image, the former Massachusetts governor is leading polls of GOP-ers for a job he already lost—twice. Maybe we were wrong about this guy? Maybe there actually is a real person in there after all.
Santa says: NICE
***
First lady Michelle Obama
The first lady is an experienced attorney and accomplished speaker. Yet she makes a better case for turnips than she does for her own husband. Time to stop worrying about kids stuffing their faces with Cheetos, get out there and make the appeal to history that he so obviously can’t.
Santa says: NAUGHTY
***
Jonathan Gruber
The Obamacare architect thinks Americans are idiots. He believes most voters lack the capacity to understand complex issues. And he faulted the Obama administration for deceptive practices. All he has left to do is pose shirtless with a tiger and he could be the next president of Russia.
Santa says: NAUGHTY
***
Elizabeth Lauten
With stupid, sure-she-regrets-them-now comments, the former GOP staffer took aim at the most vulnerable and protected class of Americans around: the children of famous Washingtonians. But have no fear for Sasha and Malia. Once they leave the White House, they’ll be whisked off to the place where all presidential children find safe harbor and people who understand them: NBC News.
Santa says: NAUGHTY
***
Sarah Koenig
The earnest host of the addictive podcast Serial has kept much of Washington enthralled with her exhaustive examination of a 1999 Baltimore murder conviction. Next year, Koenig plans to dissect something filled with even more rabbit holes, false leads and baffling, all-but-unanswerable mysteries—the Obama foreign policy.
Santa says: NICE
Matt Latimer is an author and former speechwriter for President George W. Bush.
