Obama calls Israeli ties 'unbreakable'; He should know after 5 years of trying
By Andrew Malcolm
Posted 09:04 AM ET
Our 166,000 combined followers on Twitter (click here for that) and on Facebook (then click here to subscribe to that) know that on weekday afternoons we regularly share a selection of that evening's late-night jokes before broadcast. Usually, we publish a collection of these and other jokes early each week.
Previous postings of late-night jokes are collected here.
Meyers: This summer marks the 75th anniversary of Little League Baseball. Wow, 75 years! Or to put it in Little League terms, six innings.
Jay Leno spoke at an awards ceremony in Israel recently honoring Michael Bloomberg. He commented on how Obama‘s administration has handled its 'special relationship' with Israel.
Leno said, “President Obama declared the month of May to be Jewish American Heritage Month. He is calling it an opportunity to renew our ‘unbreakable bond with the nation of Israel.’ And Obama knows it’s unbreakable because he’s been trying to break it for the last five years.”
Meyers: Scientists are attaching sensors to sharks to predict hurricane intensity. They're hoping their information will save enough lives to offset the number of lives lost attaching sensors to sharks.
Meyers: Phil Mickelson is under investigation by the FBI for insider trading of Clorox stock. By the way, insider trading of Clorox stock by a pro golfer is the whitest collar crime possible.
Fallon: Just in time, a California company has created a grill that can text when your burgers are done. A great way to enjoy grilling with none of the fun of grilling.
Meyers: Apple officially announced the other day its new operating system, iOS 8. Just in time for iOS 7 to finish downloading.
Fallon: Facebook's people are encouraging Pope Francis to join. But he said: “I already have enough people confessing to me what they did last weekend."
Fallon: Obama says Hillary Clinton would be very effective if she ran for President. And Joe Biden said, “Thank you very--Wait, what?”
Conan: In Texas, a family was attacked by a swarm of bees in a town called Beeville. The family said they’re fed up with Beeville, and they are moving to Wolfetown.
Fallon: CNN had terrible 10 p.m. ratings with only 35,000 viewers tuning in the other night. I left it on for my dog and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper.
Conan: A new report reveals Chicago's crime rate plummets during NFL games. Mainly because the most dangerous criminals are busy on the field.
Conan: Pope Francis says married people should have more kids. Married people said the Pope should “have a kid and then get back to us.”
Meyers: President Obama unveils a 600-page proposal to lower carbon emissions and help stop global warming. Step One: Stop printing 600-page proposals.
Conan: NASA is putting wireless Internet on the moon. So now the Moon is identical to Starbucks, except it costs less money to go to the Moon.
Conan: In her new book Hillary Clinton says she’s “moved on” from the Monica Lewinsky scandal. For more, read Bill Clinton’s new book “No, She Hasn’t.”
Conan: NASA is testing an aircraft that is shaped like a flying saucer and they’re sending it over Hawaii. Just for fun, nobody tell Hawaii.
Conan: MIT scientists have created a suit simulating the feeling of being an 80-year-old man. Unfortunately, the guy testing the suit has wandered off.
Conan: A 13-year-old is the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and next thing she was atop Mount Everest.
Meyers: French President Hollande had two official dinners the other night to keep Obama and Putin apart. It's an old trick he learned from having a wife and a mistress.
Meyers: Dr Dre bought Tom Brady’s 18,000-square=foot LA mansion for $40 million. Now, $40 million might sound like a lot of money. But remember, he’s a doctor.
Meyers: The Miami Heat and San Antonio Spurs are facing off in the NBA Finals, the NBA’s annual contest to determine whose city will be set on fire.
Conan: Donald Sterling sells the LA Clippers for $2 billion. So, let that be a lesson: If you make racist remarks to your mistress, you'll get a check for $2 billion.
Meyers: A six-year-old Phoenix girl helped deliver her baby sister after her mother prematurely went into labor. Best. Show and Tell. Ever.
Meyers: Australian scientists have rediscovered a bat species believed extinct for over 120 years. But thanks to one scientist's quick reflexes, it’s extinct again.
Meyers: A Danish firm has developed a beer fridge called eCool using underground conditions to keep beer cold. So congratulations, I guess, for inventing the “hole.”
Conan: A Japanese clothier is being criticized for its "skinny,” “fat” and “jumbo” size labels. So it changed them to “small,” “medium” and “American.”