If Russia invades Ukraine, Obama vows to stand behind Europe, way behind
By Andrew Malcolm
Posted 09:16 AM ET
Late-night comedians and their writers pounce on the day's news as their primary source to twist and distort into laughs. Russia, of course, remains a hot item following the "uncontested arrival" of its troops in Crimea.
Reflecting the diminished approval of President Obama, the late-night shows have been aiming their laughs at him more. See David Letterman's sly March Madness pivot below. Even Jimmy Fallon, who kicked off his Jay Leno replacement tour with a Michelle Obama interview, has aimed some laughs at his presidential pal. Although he quickly returns with something barbed at Republicans.
Joe Biden's cliched cluelessness is an evergreen that pops up this week as does Jimmy Carter's dimness. The disparity between this harsh winter and the administration's persistent claims of global warming is another common link. Conan O'Brien has his usual laughs over Pope Francis (Conan's Irish, you see.)
North Korea's little leader is back. But the Kardashians' weekly marriages were absent for a change. Then there are the hyperbolic takeoffs on the week's weird news.
Personally, we're enjoying Seth Meyers' refreshing later-night offerings the most these days. See what you think below:
SethMeyers: An upstate New York town is giving birth control to deer to combat over-population. If you think hunting deer is a challenge, try putting a condom on one.
Fallon: Obama saw Putin's approval rating jump after attacking Crimea. So Obama is sending troops into Canada.
Fallon: China develops “smart tags” that change color when food goes bad. Plus another thing that changes color when food goes bad—food.
SethMeyers: Today was the first day of spring. And just in time, because yesterday was the 400th day of winter.
SethMeyers: A Virginia woman was arrested this week after showing up drunk and naked to visit her husband in jail. But in fairness, is there a RIGHT way to visit your husband in jail?
Fallon: In a speech on women's economic issues, Obama said government policies would be different if men were having babies. Joe Biden said, “How would that work?”
SethMeyers: March Madness has begun! And by March Madness I am, of course, referring to people wearing shorts when it’s 55 degrees.
White House (The vice president confers with senior advisers.)
SethMeyers: Three circus elephants escaped in St. Louis the other day. Before they were re-captured, they had damaged two vehicles, injuring over 50 clowns.
Fallon: Russia's Putin didn’t attend the recent nuclear conference in the Netherlands. He said he doesn't want to visit any country he can't keep.
SethMeyers: Jimmy Carter says he sends no emails because the NSA is reading them. Also because he can’t find the “send” button on his typewriter.
Conan: Jimmy Carter says he’s stopped using email because the NSA was spying on him. And also because he’s 89 years old and what he thought was email was actually a thermostat.
Fallon: Russia's Putin ordered fireworks over Moscow to celebrate his Crimea takeover. Either that or one of Putin's opponents started his car.
Fallon: Actually, Putin explained the real reason behind those Moscow fireworks: He had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool.
Conan: The “Noah” movie gets Pope Francis’ blessing. However, the Pope refused to bless the new Muppets Movie. He says, “It needed more Scooter.”
Conan: Michelle Obama visited China with her daughters. It was the first time in China’s long history that an American has ARRIVED with daughters.
Conan: While in China, First Lady Michelle Obama commented on Chinese censorship. Or as the Chinese news reported it, “Michelle Obama greatly admires Chinese censorship.”
Conan: Michelle Obama fed China’s pandas during her visit. Like most people she feeds, the bears politely took the bamboo, then had a cheeseburger the minute she left.
Letterman: About March Madness. It starts at 64, then 32, 16 and down. It's like Obama's approval rating.
Letterman: President Obama met with the G-7 again. Can you name them? I tried. I always forget Bashful.
Letterman: President Obama has met with the G-7 leaders. It must be fun now to be able to put faces on all the voices he listens to on the NSA wiretaps.
Letterman: No one got Warren Buffets $1 billion prize for picking a perfect NCAA bracket. Now he's offering $1 billion to any married man who can properly load a dishwasher.
Conan: Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get the Crimea back. So, ladies and gentlemen— get ready next week for a very special Judge Judy.
SethMeyers: The other day Russia flew an American astronaut to the International Space Station. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward.
SethMeyers: Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online.
Fallon: The G-7 has moved its summer summit out of Russia to meet in Brussels. Putin said, “By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.”
Fallon: Officials in Europe seized a cocaine shipment addressed to the Vatican. That means Rob Ford just received a giant box of communion wafers.
Fallon: Ukraine withdraws its last troops from Crimea. So the split is now final. Well, they're not calling it a split. They’re calling it a "conscious uncoupling."
Fallon: Obama has called for a united front with Europe against Russia. Obama promised that if Russia invades another country, America will stand behind Europe. Way, way, WAY behind Europe.
Fallon: Apparently with no cell or email Putin is unfamiliar with texting and the Internet. When he says “LOL,” he actually means, “Look out, Latvia.”
Conan: All North Korea men are now required to get Kim Jong Un’s haircut. Or, as that style is known in the U.S., “The First Year Lesbian.”
SethMeyers: After discovering a new dwarf planet orbiting the sun beyond Pluto, scientists have named it “2012 VP113” -- or “Biden” for short. Scientists say they chose the name because the planet, like Biden, is pretty far out there.
SethMeyers: A New Jersey man who was released last week after 15 years in prison for robbing a shoe store was arrested the next day for robbing the exact same store. He learned a valuable lesson though. Next time, steal both shoes at the same time.
SethMeyers: A new study says the No.1 reason women fake orgasms is to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings. The No. 2 reason is “’Scandal’ is on in five minutes.”
Fallon: The Philadelphia 76ers tied the NBA record with 26 consecutive losses. The team has no cheerleaders anymore, just grief counselors.
Fallon: Obama was in Saudi Arabia meeting with King Abdullah. Joe Biden told him, "Be sure to give my best to King Abdullah and his wife, Paula.”