Ransom's Predictions for 2014
12/27/2013 12:01:00 AM
Dateline: January, 2014- Hollywood and Washington are wowed when president Obama announces that his strong performance at the Mandela funeral has landed him a part in Wedding Crashers II, a non-stop comedy romp starring Obama, Will Ferrell and Jack Lew. In the sequel to the original, the three funny men crash the funerals of heads of state in order to pick up powerful Nordic women. Its release is scheduled just prior to the 2014 midterms.
The stock market finishes the month at 20,502 on the Dow on optimism that quantitative easing won’t end until late 2015.
Dateline: February, 2014- Obama firmly responds to higher insurance premiums caused by Obamacare with an executive order that postpones all illnesses until after the 2016 presidential election. As influenza strikes the Midwest, Obama accuses Republicans of “not cooperating with my executive order.” Obama then daftly pivots to the economy, but finds the economy is hiding from him. He doesn’t know where.
The stock market finishes the month at 10,398 on the Dow on worry that quantitative easing will end sooner than predicted in late 2015.
Dateline: March, 2014- The nation is surprised—but not really—when it’s revealed that Obama’s oratory style of using a period af.ter. al.most. ev.ery. sy.lla.ble. he speaks is causing some people to go into convulsions. As consequence, Obama calls for stricter gun laws, higher taxes on anyone making $250,000 or more and… free mammograms for men.Obama pivots daftly to the economy again. But once again the economy proves too wily for the executive-in-chief.
The stock market finishes the month at 22,765 after analysts predict that the economy is so bad that quantitative easing will last until the 2016 Miss America pageant.
Dateline: April, 2014- Obama starts the month pivoting to the economy, but only after Obama agrees to give the economy a running start by closing his eyes and counting to one-thousand-ten. In other news, the government announces that insurance premiums will no longer be carried in the core CPI because “frankly, 118% inflation would scare people who work for a living.” Thankfully, Obama reminds us in speech calling for higher taxes on the “rich making more than $175,000 or more per year” that as the Obamacare mandates that were postponed in 2013 get closer, more Americans won’t be working for a living thus will be precluded from being rich.
The Dow Jones Industrial average falls to 8,965 after Janet Yellen says there are“worrisome pockets of job creation coming from Texas,” implying quantitative easing will end even sooner than predicted-- after the 2018 mid-term elections.
Dateline: May 2014- Obama signs an executive order postponing GDP growth until after “the zombie apocalypse,” which the president expects in wake of the likely Republican victories in the 2014 NRHA Futurity competition.
Why such an order? Like a lot of things with this president, no one knows for sure. Speculation amongst the Inside-the-Beltway crowd is that he’s been forced to take such action as the economy continues to hide from Obama. Unknown to the president the economy is hiding in a janitor’s closet right outside the Oval Office, with the idea that it would be the LAST place the president would look. Suspicion grows that the economy is really Republican Rep. Kevin Brady of Texas in disguise. The two are never seen in the same place at the same time. As consequence, Obama calls for stricter gun laws, higher taxes on anyone making $100,000 or more and… free espressos at McDonalds.
The Dow falls to 4 (four) on word that the Federal Reserve Bank will slow down quantitative easing efforts by trimming 10% or $8.5 billion in monthly purchase of mortgage-backed securities in the open market by 2019ish. The trimming speculation comes on the basis that “that dude in Iowa just got a job.”
Dateline: June 2014- The EPA announces that it is now legal to use bald eagles or other endangered species as fuel as long as “such species continue to interfere in the peaceful production of domestic wind-power or Iranian nuclear power development.” In a coincidental move, the State Department, under John Kerry, who got three Purple Hearts in the two days he spent in Vietnam, moves to put Israelis on the endangered species list, in order “to protect the right of the Jewish state to exist.” Kerry later goes to White House where he gets another Purple Heart after losing a confrontation with a staple. As consequence, Obama calls for stricter gun laws, higher taxes on anyone making $75,000 or more and… free vacations to Disney.
The Dow finishes strong at 34,217 when the dude from Iowa applies for unemployment benefits under a new program instituted by Obama via executive order, that allows people to quit their job if said job “is too much of a hassle and that guy you work for is a jerk.”
Dateline: July 2014- Obama declares July a “no-work” month reassuring Americans that what they do for a living isn’t really important anyway because “the rich” will always be productive regardless.
“This is how I approach my own job,” he says “and you should too.”
Obama makes an impassioned plea to Congress to include free sonograms for “every man, women and child” in America regardless of their ability to give birth. Civil Rights advocates hail it as a milestone in the struggle for equal rights. “Just because you don’t have a womb capable of bearing a fetus,” says Illinois Rep. Jan Schakowsy, “doesn’t mean we can’t exploit you as if you had one.” MSNBC’s Chris Matthews is impressed by such logic, calling Schakowsky “the one socialist I’d prefer over Hillary Clinton, womb or no. ”As consequence, Obama calls for stricter gun laws, higher taxes on anyone making $50,000 or more and… free buffet nights at Golden Corral.
The Dow finishes off a tad at -13 on word that inflation is too high or too low, depending on which number you look at. Some analysis fret that when using the calculations prior to the 1980 revisions, but not exclusive of those revisions made in 1996 that inflation is…a…problem.
Dateline: August 2014- Michelle Obama, speaking during an interview in US Magazine, says that she’s been visited by the ghost of former Senator Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts.The Kennedy spirit has revealed to Mrs. Obama that “there is something going on between the Danish prime minister and your husband.” Michelle demands that president Obama “turn over ALL the selfies you took” with the prime minister at Nelson Mandela’s funeral. Obama complies, but data from the NSA shows that there is a seven-picture gap in the photo import. Where are the missing photos? Edward Snowden comments: “Life is a witch, and then you marry one.” As consequence, Obama calls for stricter gun laws, higher taxes on anyone making $25,000 or more and… free cell phones covered under an amendment to the Patriot Act.
The Dow Jones Industrial average finishes strong at 87,321 on news that most of California has fallen into the ocean, making it more likely that the Federal Reserve will keep quantitative easing going “for a least another fifty years.”
Dateline: September 2014- Iran declares war on the United States despite an executive order Obama issued from the White House putting off the war for ten more years. The Obamas promptly leave for a three-week stay in Martha’s Vineyard for golfing and recreation. The vacation calls upon the resources of much of the U.S. Seventh Fleet to transport 517 basketballs inflated to exactly 8.3 PSI regardless of ambient air temperature.
The Obamas justify the vast expense involved in the vacation and the timing of the outing by saying they didn’t want to lose their security deposit.
From the very front of the bow of his yacht, Secretary of State John Kerry announces: “I’m king of the world!” As consequence, Obama calls for stricter gun laws, higher taxes on anyone making $15,000 or more and… free hedgehog breeding pairs for every fifth caller.
The Dow Jones Industrial average announces that it will now express its closing daily value using “the symbol that the dude in Minnesota formerly known as Prince does because value in this market is really up to the individual.” The press promptly dubs it the “doofus symbol”.
Dateline: October 2014- In a surprise attack, a single Israeli fighter sinks half of the Iranian navy as it sallies forth from a port in Sudan. Obama stops his game of basketball he is playing with Mark Zuckerburg, Bill Gates and other assorted tech nerds in order to condemn the JDF’s attack on Iran, because he says “as I understand it, the Iranian Navy was only involved in peaceful development of energy.” Aides remind the president that technically the United States and Iran are at war. Obama’s response: “I love playing ball against those tech guys.”
From the very front of the bow of Secretary of State John Kerry’s yacht, Barney Frank announces: “I’m queen or king of the world!” As consequence, Obama calls for stricter gun laws, higher taxes on anyone making $5,000 or more and… free enriched uranium for less developed countries,
The Dow Jones Industrial average closes at 10,265 doofus symbols as the Street.com’s Jim Cramer, and CNBC’s Rick Santelli argue about what if means for the market.
Dateline: November 2014- President Obama reluctantly breaks off his sixth week of vacation at Martha’s Vineyard to address growing concerns that he seems out of touch. To combat the perception Obama addresses the nation in a fireside chat broadcast live from John Kerry’s yacht. In the background one can see a homey fire made up of burning bald eagles in one of the yacht’s five fireplaces.Obama is dressed in a sweater made of pure, spun gold, on loan from the Federal Reserve bank. Obama says: “My fellow Americans. Times are tough. Today some of my basketball buddies told me that because of higher taxes on income that they were forced to defer dividends in favor of capital gains on the advice of the Secretary of the Treasury. If you’re like them, my heart goes out to you. That’s why I need your contribution of $1, $5 or $100,000 to my SuperPac ‘Spending for America.’” As consequence, Obama calls for stricter gun laws, higher taxes on anyone making $1,000 or more and… free home healthcare visits by the IRS.
The Dow Jones Industrial average decides that if doesn’t close, that it never has to post a loss because the market could always go higher later. This comes on news that the Federal Reserve Bank has decided that “money is overrated.” To force the value of the dollar down, the Fed signals quantitative easing will continue until 2087.The latest print on the market is 81,543,297 doofuses.
Dateline: December 2014- Obama announces his intention to take America public with an initial public offering on Wall Street under the New York Stock Exchange symbol “USA,” after Chinese leaders say that they would like to get some of their money back. “There have never been as many doofuses in America as there are today,” says Obama. “This is especially true in Washington and on Wall Street. While I personally hate to part with some doofuses, with midterm elections coming on, and the possibility that Republicans could take back the Congress, I fear that the number of doofuses will plummet in United States. So, yes: this is all the Republicans’ fault.”
Obama appoints former Democratic Gov. Jon Corzine to head the team that will take America public. Obama critics, who have pointed out that Corzine led one of the largest bankruptcies in the history of the country as head of the financial services company MF Global, are given more ammunition when Corzine promptly misplaces the state of Maine. As consequence, Obama calls for stricter gun laws, higher taxes on anyone making $2 or more and… free home security evaluations from the TSA for anyone who can locate whereabouts of Rep. Kevin Brady or the state of Maine. Like the IRS home health check, the TSA home security evaluation will include a finger probe that might be a little uncomfortable.
The Dow Jones Industrial average moves higher on word that the economy finally emerged from the janitors’ closet in the White House, saw his shadow, and promptly returned to the closet signifying 100 more years of quantitative easing.
Merry Christmas, and to you a Happy New Year: