Winning Isn’t Everything
By Enemy Central on 10.18.13 @ 6:09AM
It’s the only thing, in case you’ve forgotten.
“There are no winners here,” the president announced to a government-starved nation yesterday, though maybe that was a typo and what he actually said was “whiners,” inasmuch as John McCain and Lindsey Graham and David Frum and Bob Corker and J. Rubin weren’t in the room. But for once let’s take him at his word and agree that he meant what he mendaciously said (and let’s assume he wasn’t merely speaking pre-emptively in order to escape winning this column’s weekly prize). In sum, what he was really saying was that he was the only winner and no one else came close, because only the winner is allowed to say there are no winners. So there.
Let us then count his winnings. He’s found some “responsible Republicans” to lick his boots. Climate change-like thinking has proved handy, as in “every analyst out there believes [the shutdown] slowed our growth.” He must have missed Ben Stein’s bulletin from early yesterday. But our nation’s leader isn’t one to buck the social scientific consensus. Several times he referred to a “manufactured crisis,” the closest we’ve come under his watch to an uptick in manufacturing. He listed numerous areas where government is indispensable, ending with this doozie of a Benghazi reminder: “It provides security to diplomats abroad.” (Does anyone even vet his spewings?)
He also graciously reminded Irresponsible Republicans that if they want to push a different agenda, all they need to do is win a few elections next time. He didn’t mention how the IRS might help them do just that.
About those Responsibles: there were 27 of them in the Senate, 87 in the House. They know who they are, as do we. The recidivists among them notwithstanding, the remaining good guys and gals in that crop also know they’re on probation. In three months or so we’ll be going through similar dramatics. Without the difficulty of Obamacare defunding to hide behind, they have 90 days to demonstrate a new commitment to Irresponsibility. Or else. At Enemy Central, we still believe in the perfectability of non-liberal man.
Can’t imagine what they think at Obamacare Central. As in all utopian communities, heads are starting to roll as utopia give way to dystopia, all because the Affordable Care Act has proved to be unaffordable, uncaring, and a bad act. Since the signature holder has been granted immunity, all itchy fingers are wagging in Secretary Sebelius’s direction. She didn’t help her cause when she dismissed scientific evidence of Obamacare’s link to unemployment as the imaginings of “anecdotal folks.” She couldn’t even attract 100 fans to Pittsburgh’s Heinz Field for an Obamacare exhibition — this at a stadium that in the off season attracts at least that many people per hour hoping to run into Terry Bradshaw. Now the New York Times has come to her nondefense. Who’s still in her corner? Her brother and sister. Otherwise, no one, unless you include the president of the United States, who really doesn’t matter if you bear in mind what he did to his beloved grandmother when he had to.
How the mighty have to fall. Recall that the self-same Ms. Sebelius only three-plus years ago was dubbed “America’s Most Powerful Woman” — by none other than Enemy Central’s corporate overlord. Was she being set up? We’ve appointed a super committee to get to the bottom of this budding scandal.
Yet none of this can be good news for our winner president. In his crowing yesterday, he touched on matters he would now pursue. Strange as it may seem, though, he uttered not a word about his signature achievement and all the improved relaunches we can expect. Now that Republicans no longer need to try to save Obamacare from itself, the medicine ball is in the president’s court. No wonder he wants to outlaw nukes — the damn thing is radioactive. And it’s all his, every strip of undecipherable computer code included. His only hope now is that in three months time he might launch it through the debt ceiling into deepest space and the first available black hole.
Will we ever stop messing with him? To echo what a great man once said, “We will not negotiate…” That’s the only way to ensure, as the saying goes, that we’re all winners.