Author Topic: John Kerry and the Taliban: The secret emails revealed [SATIRE]  (Read 281 times)

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John Kerry and the Taliban: The secret emails revealed

Posted By Jamie Weinstein and Will Rahn On 12:19 AM 06/24/2013 In Satire | No Comments

On June 3, 2013, Secretary of State John Kerry initiated an email exchange with the Taliban in order to lay the groundwork for peace talks that would help enable the United States to leave Afghanistan after over a decade of war.

The exchange is reprinted here for the first time, in its entirety, and without comment.

From: John Kerry

To: The Taliban

Date: June 3, 2013

Dear Mullah Omar,

As my generation is fond of saying, “what a long, strange trip it’s been.” But, as you know, we’re hoping to get out of that country of yours, and would really appreciate some cooperation in that effort. I’m confident America and the Taliban want the same thing — a peaceful, free Afghanistan that’s friendly to women’s rights, religious minorities and international business — and I think the only question now is how we best bring that about.

So how about this: you sever your ties with the bad guys once and for all, and we park our robot planes back in Utah. Deal?


John Kerry

From: The Taliban

To: John Kerry

Date: June 10, 2013

Dear Infidel Jew John Kerry,

I can report that Mullah Mohammad Omar, Commander of the Faithful of the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan and leader of the Muslim Ummah, has received the letter you wrote. He has authorized that I respond as follows:

As surely as the world is flat, you and your infidel brethren will burn in a fiery inferno of hellish fire. We will never accept infidel domination of our lands, not of al-Andalus (Spain) or Palestine, and not lands that should and will one day be ours, which include all lands where beasts of the earth roam and all seas where fish proliferate.

My followers and I would rather bathe in pigs blood or spin a dreidel than meet for tea with an infidel member of the Zionist-Crusader alliance to negotiate anything. But in a spirit of mercy, I am prepared to make a generous offer. These are our demands:

1.) You and your entire government must convert to Islam and beg for mercy from your past sins.
2.) You must turn your military equipment over to the Mujahideen before dissolving the Infidel States of America.
3.) Tom Friedman must be fired from the New York Times.

If these demands are met, there is a chance the hellfire you burn in won’t be quite as hot as it normally is.

In peace,
Mullah Omar (via Timmy al-Amriki, American spokesman for the Taliban)
From: John Kerry

To: The Taliban

Date: June 11, 2013

Dear Whomever,

Good to see there’s still room for dialogue. I understand there’s a little daylight between our positions but, to be perfectly blunt, we’d rather see this whole thing rap up sooner rather than later, so let’s get to your specific demands. The first two are non-starters, but we’re more than happy to get rid of Friedman. Consider him hot, flat, and droned. Well, maybe not droned, but we’ll give him a speechwriting gig or something so his byline disappears.

As for our demands, here they are:

1.) We want you to provide universal Pre-K for all Afghan citizens.

2.) A minimum wage of no less than $9.50 an hour for all Afghan laborers, plus paid sick leave.

3.) Give the Jewish stuff a rest, OK? It looks bad.

So we have a deal, right?

John Kerry

From: The Taliban

To: John Kerry

Date: June 18, 2013

Dear Infidel Jew John Kerry,

So good to hear from you again!

Emir Mullah Mohammad Omar wants to know whether all American men are so girly like you that they work as secretaries? Rest assured, in the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, we have no men working as secretaries. Only lady boys and child-bearers.

The revered mullah says he finds your proposals interesting. He has no intention of agreeing to any dictates of a Zionist-Crusader like yourself, but if, for instance, you don’t define girls as citizens and you define universal pre-K education to mean all boys have to memorize the Koran by 13 or have their head chopped off, “demand” #1 seems rather acceptable.

He does not like the other points, however. In fact, he says because of your Western arrogance the hellfire you burn in, while always quite hot, will now likely be a little bit toastier.

In peace,
Timmy al-Amriki, American spokesman for the Taliban (speaking for Mullah Omar)

From: John Kerry

To: The Taliban

Date: June 19, 2013

It sounds like we’re getting there! We’ll be opening an office for you in Qatar. Hope to see you there!


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“The time is now near at hand which must probably determine, whether Americans are to be, Freemen, or Slaves.” G Washington July 2, 1776

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