Author Topic: Keith Olbermann looks for a job: The secret emails revealed  (Read 355 times)

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Offline Rapunzel

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Keith Olbermann looks for a job: The secret emails revealed

Posted By Will Rahn and Jamie Weinstein On 1:09 AM 05/23/2013 In Satire | No Comments

After a year off the air, Keith Olbermann has been emailing the heads of various TV networks looking for a job, including Phil Griffin at MSNBC, Emir Al Thani at Al Jazeera and Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe state television. The Daily Caller has obtained these exchanges, and they are reprinted here for the first time, in their entirety, and without comment.

FROM: Keith Olbermann
TO: Phil Griffin, MSNBC President
DATE: May 14, 2013

Dear Phil,

It’s been a while, my friend. But as English poet and playwright Thomas Haynes Bayly once wrote in his 1844 masterpiece Isle of Beauty, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

I know we had our tiffs and tantrums and I don’t think it is worth revisiting who or what was to blame for the series of unfortunate events that led to us parting ways. But I think we would both agree that for a period of time, as David Bowie might say, we were heroes, for more than one day.

Frankly, Phil, I’ve been doing some introspection since I left Current TV a year ago. After an extended and ultimately depressive junket to the brothels of Moldova, I wallowed in my apartment for several weeks, longing for the warm embrace of the camera.

The short of the letter is this, Phil: I bought a house in the Catskills a few months ago. In its basement I’ve started to host a nightly show to get into playing shape. I invite locals to come on as guests. I’m particularly fond of the local Orange Julius cashier. He’s talented — maybe another Maddow. But I’m getting off topic.

Take me back, Phil. I know you’ve heard I’ve been looking around. I want back in the game. I can’t say I’ll be perfect, but you have my sacred word that there’ll be no more carrying a whip to punish my staff for looking me in the eyes. You can count on that.

In humility and love,

Keith Theodore Olbermann

Cornell Class of 1979

FROM: Phil Griffin
TO: Keith Olbermann
DATE: May 14, 2013


So good to hear from you. I was actually just going over our expenses with some of the finance folks. Did you know a full 10 percent of our operating budget still goes to grief counseling for your former staffers? Now that’s a legacy!

Now you may be surprised to hear that we actually considered offering you a job after your gig at that Al Gore network fell apart. I brought it up with some of our on-air talent, and I feel I should tell you that their reaction was decidedly mixed. Rachel Maddow threatened to quit. Ezra Klein began shaking and crying. Chris Matthews, on the other hand, said he missed your weekly visits to an establishment called “Pandora’s Box” in Chelsea. After he explained what that is and what you two used to do there, I suspended him for three days at the suggestion of our legal department.

So, Keith, I’m afraid the answer is no. You can’t have a job here, and 30 Rock security has been instructed to detain you on sight if they ever catch you in the building. Might I suggest trying for a job at Al Jazeera? I here they’re hiring!

With Every Good Wish,

Phil Griffin

FROM: Keith Olbermann
TO: Emir Al Thani of Qatar
DATE: May 15, 2013

Dear Emir Al Thani,

Salam Aleikum!

As you are probably aware, I used to host several television shows in the United States and was, in all modesty, the most important broadcaster in the lands of Christendom. But like all of those who tend to promote virtue and condemn vice, I was attacked by Zionist serpents and ultimately forced off the air by their allies who, as you know, control the media.

Initially I was devastated, but I am always heartened by the words of the Prophet (peace be upon him) who said: “The Day of Judgment will not come until Muslims fight the Jews, when the Jew will hide behind stones and trees. The stones and trees will say, ‘O Muslims, O Abdullah, there is a Jew behind me, come and kill him. Only the Gharkad tree would not do that because it is one of the trees of the Jews.”

Those days are coming swiftly, Emir! As a side note, may I just say that I think your sponsorship of Hamas, which quotes that very hadith in its charter, is just spectacular.

In any case, I understand you officially no longer “control” Al Jazeera, but I suspect you have some influence there (wink wink). It would be the greatest honor of my life if you would consider me as a host for Al Jazeera America. I’m confident that I could be the American version of Yusuf al-Qaradawi, whose show on Al Jazeera Arabic I watch weekly. (His thoughts on the Zionist entity, by the way, are very bold.)

Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours always,

Keith Theodore Olbermann

Cornell Class of 1979

FROM: Emir Al Thani
TO: Keith Olbermann
DATE: May 15, 2013

Wa `alaykumu s-salāmu wa rahmatu l-lāhi wa barakātuh,

I see your skill for pandering is still in tip-top shape, Keith, and I imagine this will do you well as you seek new employment. Now, if you will, please allow me to list the reasons why that will not be with Al-Jazeera, and why you are still wanted for arrest in Qatar.

May 19, 1989: You threw a couch off a tall building in Doha, wounding several below.

December 16, 1990: You attempted to kiss my wife after consuming numerous shots of Cremé de menth during prayer service at Qatar Mosque.

April 15, 1991: You were revealed to be a paid agent of Iraqi intelligence and attempted to kidnap and sell the Kuwaiti ambassador.

June 11, 2004: You referred to my wife as “the worst person in the world” on your television program for her refusal to let her kiss you on December 16, 1990.

I am sorry that you have fallen on hard times, Keith, and will pray to Allah for your enlightenment and forgiveness. But understand that, should you set foot in my country, you will be arrested and extradited to Kuwait, where you will then likely be killed. Have you tried asking Zimbabwe state TV for a job? I hear they are hiring.

Emir Al Thani

FROM: Keith Olbermann
TO: Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe
DATE: May 16, 2013

President Mugabe,

It’s been a while, friend.

As you may have heard from our mutual acquaintance the Emir of Qatar, I am officially back on the market and while, as you might expect, I am being flooded with offers, nothing appeals to me more than joining your fight against imperialism as the new anchor of Zimbabwe state television.

Mr. President: let me anticipate some of your concerns. First, you have my word that there will be no repeat of my 2007 visit to your country when some accused me of having an improper encounter with a goat. I continue to deny the charges that your security forces leveled against me, but I do understand how what they alleged to have seen could have been misconstrued.

Secondly, I understand that bringing me on as network anchor of Zimbabwe state television has the stench of the arrogant Western imperialism that both you and I disdain so much. After all, wise man once said, “The only white man you can trust is a dead white man.”

Of course, your Excellency, those words were spoken by you. And I wholeheartedly agree with them. Though it is true on the outside I appear as white as the devil himself, my heart is of a different complexion altogether.

I look forward to hearing from you.

In trust,

Keith Theodore Olbermann

Cornell Class of 1979

FROM: Robert Mugabe
TO: Keith Olbermann
DATE: May 17, 2013

Old friend, it has been too long.

I still often remember our trips to that wonderfully exotic club in New York with your Irish friend who was always sweating. Do you recall that he would pass out at the sight of blood? Hilarious!

I am confident that we can find a place for a man with your superb talents at the Zimbabwe Broadcasting Corporation. We will put you in the “prime time,” yes? That is where you belong, my friend.

Here is what I want from you in return. My country is now in a prolonged period of instability to meddling by the CIA and MI6. The people already have someone they love and can rally to — Robert Mugabe — but there must be some counterbalance, an enemy if you will. The white racist farmer class has left. Good riddance, we say in Zimbabwe. But still we need someone for the people to hate. And I think that person should be you.

You will go on TV and criticize me like a half-wit or crazed animal. You will disparage me, the people’s champion, and the people will hate you for it.

This will then all lead to a spectacular finale: Your assassination on live TV. I think such a program could be very successful, and you will of course be rewarded handsomely for your efforts. I cannot imagine the experience will be all that different from the one you had in America.

So what do you say? Would you like to fly out to Harare tonight?

Robert Mugabe
“The time is now near at hand which must probably determine, whether Americans are to be, Freemen, or Slaves.” G Washington July 2, 1776

Offline mountaineer

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Re: Keith Olbermann looks for a job: The secret emails revealed
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2013, 07:09:17 PM »
 ^-^  Well within the realm of possibility, alas.
“Let each citizen remember at the moment he is offering his vote that he is not making a present or a compliment to please an individual – or at least that he ought not so to do; but rather he is executing one of the most solemn trusts in human society for which he is accountable to God and his country.” Samuel Adams, April 16, 1781.

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