The Jukebox from Hell

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"Fairytale of New York" by The Pogues (1987) is a depressing song about Irish immigrants full of hope and wonder coming to America only to have their dreams and spirits crushed. The Pogues are a Celtic punk band from London, formed in 1982. It is difficult to label this song 'bad' since so many people seem to love it. In fact, it was voted 'Best Christmas Song Ever' by VH1 in 2004.

I will let you be the judge but certainly no list of Christmas music in the internationally acclaimed and world renown 'Jukebox from Hell' would be complete without it. And therefore, I present the Pogues (which is a shortened version of the term 'kiss my arse' in Celtic) and their hit about coming to New York. Enjoy!

Fairytale of New York by the pogues with lyrics

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pv0hlbWpa1w

[jmyrlefuller]

By the way that was Christmas number two in 1987. They were beat by the Pet Shop Boys. Weak year I guess.

There are quite a few people who love that tune, so I was hesitant to include it.

[240B]

By the way that was Christmas number two in 1987. They were beat by the Pet Shop Boys. Weak year I guess.

There are quite a few people who love that tune, so I was hesitant to include it.

Yeah, I know. I was really surprised at how much people like it. I personally think it is a terrible song. I mean the Irish lilt is catchy and all, but the subject matter and lyrics are definitely dark.

That is why I presented it as, 'to each his own'. But, I thought it belongs here, if for nothing more than thoroughness.

[jmyrlefuller]

It's Christmas Eve, in other words, Day 24 in the Jukebox from Hell Christmas Style. The penultimate song I feature is a viral hit from Youtube with several million views. The tune is a parody of one of the most popular Christmas pop songs in modern times, Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You," and the artist to her credit does a great job looking and sounding like the real Carey. However, it's one of those songs that makes you go "what the...?!"

Here is "All I Want for Christmas Is... Jews."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=z8LmMtScH3g

[240B]

UUUUUUuuugggh. This was the number one Christmas song in the U.K. in 1973. It is by a British rock group called Slade which dominated pop (glam rock) music from 1971-1973 with 17 consecutive Top 20 hits and six number ones in the U.K. This song and the band's popularity, proves beyond doubt that the 70s were a different dimension in time, a rift so to speak, and heavy drugs must have been involved.

Everyone involved in the making of this song and video should be shot. From the hairdresser (beard with no mustache, ouch), to the tailor (cyan leisure suit with no shirt? red vest, yellow shirt, pink sport jacket?), to the writer (the whole song is a series of questions and the music is banal and inane), and on and on.

Everything about this song is BAD, and the video is worse! This is my second attempt to submit this video to the tempermental 'GOPBR Jukebox from Hell'. The first time it puked it back up and slapped me. Anyway, anyone wishing a ride in Mr. Peabody's way-back machine to the early 70s, I present for your amusement SLADE with Merry Christmas Everybody.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=0A8KT365wlA

[jmyrlefuller]

Oh, so many bad Christmas tunes. We wrap things up for the bad Christmas tunes today, Day 25 of the Jukebox from Hell, Christmas Style.

According to surveys, the most hated Christmas song is usually Don Charles's Singing Dogs' version of "Jingle Bells." (That is, the barking dogs version.) I featured that act a couple months ago, and I generally have a policy against repeating artists here if I can avoid it (I was going to break that deal for the Christmas stuff, but it turns out I haven't needed to.)

In a close second is this tune. From the TV series South Park, here's Eric Cartman (Trey Parker) performing "O Holy Night."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NHFuZxxghs

I now return you to your regularly scheduled bad music.

[240B]

No explanations. No dissertations. No nothing at all. In the broader spirit of the Jukebox from Hell, here it is.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_prEUsYkYo

[240B]

TV's most annoying theme song is, of course, the theme from the origional Star Trek. Star Trek was not taken seriously when it debuted in 1966. And Desilu productions was a small and struggling production company. This combination caused many composers of the time to turn down the opportunity to write the theme song for the Star Trek series. However, Alexander Courage lived up to his name and created the now famous theme song sung by soprano Loulie Jean Norman.

Unknown to Courage at the time, he was on his way to a fortune in royalties from his creation. He was paid every time the Star Trek theme was played. His windfall lasted only one year. Gene Roddenberry, an iconic hero to many, screwed Courage out of half the royalties by writing lyrics to the opening theme song. The lyrics were never recorded, and never used. Nonetheless, Roddenberry claimed credit to half of the theme song royalties merely because lyrics had been written. Courage quit the show after this stunt by Roddenberry. Whether they were used or not, the fact remains that the lyrics exist and could be used was Roddenberry's position and Courage did not challenge him legally. He simply walked away. Here are the 'lost' lyrics to the original Star Trek theme song.

Beyond
The rim of the star-light
My love
Is wand'ring in star-flight
I know
He'll find in star-clustered reaches
Love,
Strange love a star woman teaches.
I know
His journey ends never
His star trek
Will go on forever.
But tell him
While he wanders his starry sea
Remember, remember me

Numerous versions of the Star Trek theme song were released in the following years including a disco version and a version by Uhura in her own release of a Star Trek themed album.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrckNMfQj6c

Anyway, no Jukebox from Hell would be complete without the screaming theme song of the original Star Trek that many consider to be the worst TV theme song ever. Enjoy.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdjL8WXjlGI

[jmyrlefuller]

After a few days off, I return today with a tune by Jimmy Webb, one of the most prolific songwriters of the 1960s.Webb is best known for “MacArthur Park,” made (in)famous by actor Richard Harris and later turned into a 19-minute disco by the late Donna Summer, in which Webb strangely compares a failed relationship to… a melting cake.

However, as bizarre as that song is, this tune is downright creepy. Depending on how you interpret the lyrics, the singer is either obsessed wih his absent lover and hears her when she's not there, or worse, is using his job as a telephone lineman to eavesdrop on his lover's conversations.

Here is Glen Campbell (Webb's usual choice to sing his songs) with “Wichita Lineman.”

http://youtube.com/watch?v=4qoymGCDYzU

[jmyrlefuller]

Today's entry is one that was long overdue.

Herbert "Tiny Tim" Khaury was a musician who rocketed to fame in the 1960s with his ukulele and falsetto voice. Although his 15 minutes of fame were mostly done by 1970, he had one more moment in the limelight: the disco era. He recorded the next entry at least twice: once in its original disco and the other in his more usual Tin Pan Alley arrangement. This entry is much more of a fit for this collection... especially since he isn't nearly as "tiny" as his stage name implies.

From The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I present Tiny Tim with a cover of Rod Stewart's "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBhkvlTcAag

[jmyrlefuller]

The next entry is a cautionary tale about the dangers of psychedelic drug abuse.

Roger "Syd" Barrett was a founding member of the band Pink Floyd and wrote virtually all of the band's first album, The Piper at the Gates of Dawn. However, the sudden success of the album proved to be too much to handle for Barrett. As the band promoted Piper, Barrett's behavior became increasingly erratic: freezing in the middle of concerts, greeting questions with nonsensical responses and blank stares, and the like.

Eventually, David Gilmour was brought in, Barrett was thrown out, and the rest was history. Barrett's decline impacted the band profoundly, and its influence can be found in many of its best known works. Barrett tried to stay in music for a few more years, but his attempts at solo albums and a brief second band project, Stars, failed to pan out. He went into seclusion for the rest of his life. He died in 2006.

Here's a song that is indicative of Barrett's mind, "Bike."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9U-Rzd7Lqs

[jmyrlefuller]

WARNING: This next entry features extreme and pervasive adult content.

The next band made its name in shock rock and made the rounds on the talk show circuit in the 1990s. The song is so offensive that I can't even mention the name here. I will allude to its content with an old Johnny Carson joke:

What to Iranian men do when their wives refuse them by night? Ghotzbadeh.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present GWAR.


http://youtube.com/watch?v=vCNYK_9hKDk

[jmyrlefuller]

AC/DC's fifth major album, Back in Black, is considered a legendary rock album. It proved to the world that the band could survive the loss of original lead singer Bon Scott and brought the band from Scott's style of humorous, rebellious rhythm-and-blues to smooth, hard-driving stadium rock under new lead singer Brian Johnson. One of the best known singles from that album was a perfect mix between the two: "You Shook Me All Night Long," which combines the wry sexual humor of the Scott era with the power vocals of Johnson.

Then Celine Dion decided to cover it. Yes, Celine Dion, the queen of schmaltzy love songs, decided to absolutely butcher it. OK, she also had Anastacia (a funky blue-eyed soul-rock singer who MIGHT, in her own right, pull it off) to help, but she still looks ridiculous. So ridiculous, in fact, that a poll by Total Guitar ranked this tune as the worst cover song of all time.

Here's Celine Dion with "You Shook Me All Night Long."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULmC8JTTVy0

[jmyrlefuller]

Meet Lucia Pamela Irwin. Lucia, a resident of St. Louis, Missouri, spent some time as a big-band leader in the early to mid-20th century. She has one recorded album to her credit, Into Outer Space with Lucia Pamela. Part concept album, part novelty, part kiddie fare, and part totally bizarre strangeness, the album capitalized on the moon landing and the country's fascination with the space race at the time. The album was mostly a flop, although it was discovered by a handful of DJs, including "outsider music" aficionado Irwin Chusid, who arrnged for a re-release in 1992.

Lucia's daughter ended up doing much better for herself. Georgia Frontiere ended up marrying Los Angeles Rams owner Carroll Rosenbloom, and as a result, she ended up a billionaire when Rosenbloom died and she inherited the team  (which she promptly moved back to St. Louis). As for Lucia herself, she died in 2002, age 98.

Here's a cut from Into Outer Space with Lucia Pamela. It's called "Walking on the Moon." (And no, ladies and gentlemen, there are no cows on the moon.)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Rqm4BVFYHd8

[andy58-in-nh]

WARNING: This next entry features extreme and pervasive adult content.

The next band made its name in shock rock and made the rounds on the talk show circuit in the 1990s. The song is so offensive that I can't even mention the name here. I will allude to its content with an old Johnny Carson joke:

What to Iranian men do when their wives refuse them by night? Ghotzbadeh.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present GWAR.


http://youtube.com/watch?v=vCNYK_9hKDk

Okay, it was almost as disgusting as Obama's inaugural address, but admittedly, that's a low standard.

[jmyrlefuller]

Three concepts that don't naturally go together: rap, Mr. T and moral lessons for teenagers.

They painfully collide in this early 1980s clip… ladies and gentlemen, I present to the Jukebox from Hell "Treat Your Mother Right."

And yes… I pity the fool who has to listen to this.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xhZRqPPTNjE

[240B]

My computer is disfunctional. It is an old computer, almost two years old. It has lost the ability to play any audio. I'll buy another one soon and be back with you directly.

[jmyrlefuller]

One of the most notorious British musicians of the 1960s, and one that didn't really make it here across the pond (thank God!), was David "Screaming Lord" Sutch. Sutch was a pioneer in the creation of "shock rock," with his injection of horror themes into his stage shows. His most famous tune was a tune called "Jack the Ripper." He also was marked by his almost complete lack of singing ability.

In 1970, Sutch managed to land some session time with some serious names: Jimmy Page and John Bonham (Led Zeppelin), Jeff Beck (The Yardbirds), Noel Redding (The Jimi Hendrix Experience), and Nicky Hopkins (session organist to the stars), among others. The end result, Lord Sutch and Heavy Friends, was such a disaster that Sutch's collaborators disowned it. Page swore the sessions were only intended to be demo-quality and were not meant to be released to the public. It ranks among one of the worst records ever made in Colin Larkin's book The Top 1000 Albums of All Time and a 1998 BBC poll of the worst records ever made.

Sutch, both before and after he had made his mark in music, would become better known for his perennial candidacies in British politics, eventually leading to the formation of Sutch's "Official Monster Raving Loony Party." The description fit Sutch's personality pretty well: his manic-depressive tendencies led to him committing suicide in 1998.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Briefing Room, I present to the Jukebox from Hell a cut from Lord Sutch and Heavy Friends, "Thumping Beat."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1x6fkK4lKE

[jmyrlefuller]

Those of you who know me know that I have a certain fondness for good old-fashioned country western music. Within that genre are some powerful anthems that espouse the small-town life: faith in God, hard work, modest living, raising a family, and yes, a few beers at the end of the week. It's not always pretty, but the good country western musician embraces it.

Today's entry in the Jukebox from Hell does the exact opposite. The singer is an atheist and fits the archetype: she's miserable, resents everyone around her from the church she's forced to attend to her family (which apparently is filled with drug-addled cheaters), and blames the small-town life for the reason she, who is apparently too bourgeois for kids, is constantly "bored" and has signed up for welfare to constantly buy distractions for herself. Now, I'm not saying it's a crime to shed light on the less flattering aspects of rural life, but this way manages to insult pretty much everyone who has ever lived it.Appallingly, this song is currently a hit on the country charts.

Here's Kacey Musgraves with "Merry Go 'Round."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJjeWDvh6J0

[jmyrlefuller]

Ladies and gentlemen, the ultimate waste of 1960s British rock talent. John Lennon on rhythm guitar, Eric Clapton on lead guitar, Mitch Mitchell on drums, Keith Richards on bass... and Yoko Ono screeching nonsense beginning about a minute into the record. No Jukebox from Hell would be complete without Yoko.

Here's The Dirty Mac with "Whole Lotta Yoko."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIzJON-teng

[jmyrlefuller]

Time for another awkward example of celebrities narrating the lyrics to a song instead of singing them.

Today's entry is Liberace, pianist extraordinaire. The recording dates to no earlier than the late 1970s, when the song was a hit. Now, something to keep in mind is that although Liberace was extremely talented in terms of showmanship and pure ability to play the instrument, 1) he wasn't much for keeping a steady beat and was prone to frequent speed-ups and slow-downs, which fit his dramatic style; 2) he wasn't much of a singer, letting his piano do most of the music; and 3) Liberace was almost certainly gay, even though he never admitted as much and, being relatively conservative in values, was certainly not proud of it. (Liberace would be diagnosed with HIV in the late 1980s, eventually leading to his death.)

The song itself was written by ASCAP heads Alan and Marilyn Bergman as the potential theme song for Norman Lear's sitcom All That Glitters; it was never used, because Lear had revamped the concept and it no longer fit. It was later popularized in a duet by Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond, which hit number 1. If you want an idea of how this song turns out, think of a gay man sniping to his male lover about how he doesn't feel appreciated. Awkward.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is Liberace with his version of "You Don't Bring Me Flowers."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJUZag13xdE

[jmyrlefuller]

Today's entry in the Jukebox from Hell features, for what I believe is the first time, a television theme song. (EDIT: As originally seen on TV, this is true, although I played a variant of a TV theme a few months back.)
 
The 1970s produced a number of iconic theme songs to TV shows. The themes to Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Soul Train and The Young and the Restless all became top-40 hits, as did (improbably) David Naughton's theme to the flop Makin' It. Catchy, inspirational and ubiquitous; these songs were pop gold.

Not this one. Now, to be clear here, in no way am I critiquing the actual show itself. From what little I remember of the show, it was great. But the theme song, a series of off-key "la's" apparently done in character, can pretty easily get on one's nerves if, say, you play it enough to qualify as heavy rotation on a radio station. For that reason, a couple seasons later, an all-instrumental arrangement replaced this version.

Here's Valerie Harper (I think) with the theme from Rhoda.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=eZgKXt7si4g

[jmyrlefuller]

Last night I happened to stumble on VH1's airing of the 100 Best Songs of the 2000s. The decade, to be quite frank, was terrible for music.

Case in point: today's entry in the Jukebox from Hell. This is Ashlee Simpson. She's an actress. She's better known as the younger sister of singer Jessica Simpson, and unfortunately, Jessica got the singing voice (even if, in my opinion, she doesn't use it consistently enough) and Ashlee didn't. That, of course, didn't stop her. She released a couple of songs in fall 2004, which were relatively successful, and the record company decided to promote them on Saturday Night Live. Unfortunately, she developed what she called "acid reflux" the week of the show and couldn't sing... but instead of canceling, she decided to fake it: lip sync to a pre-recorded studio backing track. It worked fine for song one, but then on live TV, instead of playing song two, the backing track repeated... exposing the fraud.

Her reputation severely damaged, Simpson nonetheless decided she would go forward with a performance at the 2005 Orange Bowl a few months later. In order to restore her reputation, she decided to pick one of the hardest driving songs in her repertoire and overcompensate. The resulting off-key, off-beat screaming-- well, let's just say the subsequent boos were legendary.

Simpson's career never recovered. She eventually married Pete Wentz, frontman for another 2000s drop-in-the-bucket band, Fall Out Boy (and coincidentally, the host of the special I was watching yesterday). Amazingly, Simpson still has a recording contract and was last heard working on her fourth album.

Here's Ashlee Simpson with her live performance at the 2005 Orange Bowl, "La La."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amrbR68A260

[jmyrlefuller]

To this day, I still believe country music has a bad reputation because of this song, an icon of the new style of country music that exploded in popularity in the early 1990s. The lyrics are ridiculously cheesy, and the artist has a style that can be best described as a cheap Elvis impersonation. This was his only top 40 pop hit, although he had some (slightly better) songs that charted on the country charts. Oh, and he also has a daughter who became a pop star.

Among its, er, accolades: #2 in a poll from Blender Magazine, #2 in a poll from VH1, #6 in Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs, and the subject of a less than flattering parody from Weird Al Yankovic.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Briefing Room, here's Billy Ray Cyrus with "Achy Breaky Heart."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=byQIPdHMpjc

[jmyrlefuller]

Nineteen years ago today, the music industry lost one of its most infamous malcontents. Kurt Cobain, who as frontman for Nirvana probably contributed far more to the death of rock music in this country than most will give him credit for doing, committed suicide and joined the "27 club" of musicians who died at that age.

Here's Nirvana with "Breed."

http://youtube.com/watch?v=tGc8jL4dzao