George Burns
People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
– George Burns
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
– George Burns
By the time you are 80, you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
– George Burns
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
– George Burns
It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
– George Burns
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
– George Burns
And God said: “Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.â€
– George Burns
If it’s a good script I’ll do it.
And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.
– George Burns
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
– George Burns
I was always taught to respect my elders and I’ve now reached the age when I don’t have anybody to respect.
– George Burns
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
– George Burns
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
– George Burns
I was married by a judge – I should have asked for a jury.
– George Burns
For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.
– George Burns
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
– George Burns
I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
– George Burns
I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.
– George Burns
I get a standing ovation just standing.
– George Burns
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
– George Burns
– Can you play the violin?
– I don’t know. I’ve never tried.
– George Burns
By 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.
– George Burns
I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
– George Burns
If I’d taken my doctor’s advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn’t have lived to go to his funeral.
– George Burns
Retire? I’m going to stay in show business until I’m the only one left.
– George Burns
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
– George Burns
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
– George Burns
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
– George Burns
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.
– George Burns
I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.
– George Burns
Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65, I still had pimples.
– George Burns
I look better, feel better, make love better, and I’ll tell you something else: I never lied better.
– George Burns
If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I’d sleep with it.
– George Burns
If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
– George Burns
I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
– George Burns
First of all you’ve got to have talent. And then you’ve got to marry her like I did.
– George Burns
