Want to improve your life? Just learn to say no

[Sanguine]

We are used to saying yes to please others but it can be harmful not to be more assertive. And imagine what you can do with all that free time

Chloe Brotheridge

Sun 2 Jun 2019 09.00 EDT
Last modified on Mon 3 Jun 2019 06.36 EDT

When you ask someone how they are, 95% of the time they will answer with some version of “busy”, “good, but busy” or even, sometimes, “crazy busy”.

Busy has become a badge of honour, a signifier of success – a humble brag that implies we are important and in demand. But if you really are “too busy”, chances are, you are not saying no enough.

Many of us struggle to say no, fearing rejection, anger or just the uncertainty of what the other person’s response will be. Our people-pleasing is often rooted in childhood. We might have been raised to be a good girl or boy, praised for being “mummy’s little helper”, or we might not have been given enough attention, and so sought it by pleasing others, even at the expense of ourselves. I am a hypnotherapist and one client told me recently that, as a child, she felt responsible for her depressed mother’s happiness. Now, she said, she feels she must say yes to every request for fear of upsetting people. Another client told me that he used to fear his father’s angry outbursts, and would often say yes to avoid getting on the wrong side of someone’s temper....

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/02/want-to-improve-your-life-just-say-no

She makes some good points.

[Applewood]

I have two friends -- both grandmothers.  One has a number of health issues, including migraines which seem to be aggravated by stress.  Her two sons and DILs are constantly dumping off their kids for Grandma to babysit.  My friend loves her grandkids -- don't get me wrong -- but the stress of caring for overactive toddlers and pre-schoolers is killing her.  Yet she will not talk to her sons and their spouses about the situation.

My other friend, however, told her kids right from the start that, while she loved them and their kids, do not expect Grandma to be their default babysitter.  Grandma will babysit if there is really no other alternative, but the kids should either take their children with them, stay home or pay someone to watch the kids.  In my friend's view, she raised five children with no help from her ex-husband or anyone else.  Now it's time for these children to raise their own kids. 

[mountaineer]

Many of us fall into this trap at church. So many requests for help, for teaching, for baking cookies, for whatever. It's important to learn when to say no.

[Bill Cipher]

Spot on.  Right up there with learning to say “I don’t know” as well. 

[rustynail]

Say yes to no.