Author Topic: Have a Politically Correct Christmas? Bah! Hamburger!  (Read 1480 times)

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Offline EasyAce

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Have a Politically Correct Christmas? Bah! Hamburger!
« on: December 08, 2018, 11:32:54 pm »
By Yours Truly

So that radio blacklist of politically incorrect Christmas songs is going viral? I have a few things to say about that, myself, and they only begin with "Bah! Hamburger!"

* I may think Bing Crosby sounds like a somnambulist when he sings "White Christmas," and I may think the proper way to do an impersonation of his version is with several strategically placed yawns. But you will not hear me dreaming of a psychedelic Christmas. (Even if the Christmas tree often looks pretty psychedelic, when you think about it.)

* I'll roast whatever I damn well please on an open fire, chestnuts or otherwise. Come to think of it, it's tempting to roast a turkey that way, if you don't count that it takes too bloody long. There are a lot worse fragrances to have around the house. Cleaning fluids come to mind at once.

* I'll listen to "Baby, It's Cold Outside" any time I want. Anyone who thinks a harmless little flirt song equals date rape should be locked in the basement with a tofurkey dinner. (My preferences: Ray Charles and Betty Carter's great duet; and, the lovely jam on the song by organ titan Jimmy Smith and guitar virtuoso Wes Montgomery.)

* If Santa still has the naughty list, I'm not going to accuse him of blacklisting. If he still has the nice list, I'm not going to charge him with targeted burglary, either.

* There's mistletoe hanging. Someone kisses someone. Since when does that become an unwanted advance? If you don't want to be kissed under the mistletoe or listen to "Holly Jolly Christmas," don't stand under it in the first place and don't listen to the song. But quit demanding the pleasure police  put every sweet tradition under arrest.

* Come to think of it, how come nobody's ever accused the girls of manipulation for luring the boys under the mistletoe, either?

* If Santa's a peeper for knowing when you're asleep and knowing when you're awake, I'd be afraid to ask what that makes God. A long time ago, I had a friend whose mother hung up a charming little keepsake plaque saying, "Christ is the unseen guest at every meal . . . the unheard listener to every conversation." If Santa's a peeper, then what does it make Jesus? Uh-oh . . . don't encourage the bastards!

* Maybe I'm crazy, but I thought Rudolph made saps out of the bullies (not to mention his bull-headed father) when Santa put him in the team lead on that foggy Christmas eve.

* How did Mothers Against Drunk Driving not figure out Rudy got the crimson snoot from a little too much hooch? Uh-oh . . . don't encourage them, either!

* How did GLAAD, Queer Nation, and ACT-UP miss us donning now our gay apparel?

* I'd like to hear even the most obnoxiously politically correct bat-head sing, "Giddyup jingle plant, kick up your leaves," and resist the temptation to laugh his or her fool head off at such deconstructive language contortion.

* Mommy can kiss Santa Claus all she bloody well wants---as long as she's not cheating on her husband or her boyfriend or seducing him in front of the kids. (If she's cheating on both at once, it isn't Santa who has the issues.)

* And if Grandma got run over by a reindeer, who told the old bat to go running outside without watching where she was going in the first place?

* If we must bear "Santa Baby," we must---but who would you prefer singing it, fellows, Eartha Kitt . . . or Elton John?

* How did the PETA pipers miss "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas?" (Come to think of it, somebody give the little brat the hippo already so we don't have to hear her pleading for one every year.) And how did the child abuse crowd miss it, for that matter? (If that kid really sang it of her own volition, she didn't need PETA or CPS---she needed a pisiakeyatrist. What the hell would you do with a hippopotamus even if you owned one? Train the hippo hurricane holler that only exists in an old cartoon on the house or the neighbourhood fire?)

* I'm half afraid of the first tinfoiler who comes up with the "evidence" that real chipmunks were forced to warble against their will when Alvin, Simon, and Theodore cut "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)." Because not even David Seville could possibly have been possessed enough to create those voices out of thin air, never mind a multitrack tape recorder which we know has as much chance of existing as the moon landings. Right?

The hell with those snowflakes. (They haven't arrested anyone singing "Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow" for cocaine trafficking yet, have they?) Have yourself a politically incorrect Christmas!

« Last Edit: December 09, 2018, 12:44:17 am by EasyAce »


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