#secondcivilwarletters

[goodwithagun]

Best Twitter hashtag since FSU decided to have #askJameis. I might not get any work done today 

A few nuggets:

Dearest Parents,
The mess hall has run out of avocados so I was forced to top my toast with jam. The fog of war is so trying at times that even my therapy unicorn brings no comfort. 😢 #SecondCivilWarLetters

Dearest mother,
We have taken control of the Chick-fil-a but I fear those Trumpsters have taken one of our Starbucks. We march at dawn for ice lattes and freedom.

My Darling,
War is hell. The Battle of Trader Joe's lasted many days. We lost half our battalion, some to enemy fire, some to the dreaded Covfefe virus. I still live, but for how much longer I do not know.

Pray for us.

#secondcivilwarletters

[goodwithagun]

Another good one:

Our espresso machine is broken and our supply of Starbucks singles is running thin. Our avocado ration is cut in half and there's a 10-minute wait for a charging port. Sherman was right: War Is Hell.
Sent by my iPhone  #secondcivilwarletters

[ABX]

LOL, these are good...

--------
My Immortal Beloved:

I am trapped behind enemy lines and I fear many of the horrific atrocities we presumed to be merely urban legends are indeed true.

They eat Miracle Whip and Ted Nugent has fans.

Pray for us.

Jeb

 #secondcivilwarletters
----------

Dearest,

Our unit came upon a burned kek camp. Only later did we learn they had set themselves aflame with gasoline and fireworks. Somehow, this was to "own the libs".

I do not understand war.

----------------

My dear wife,
Most of my battalion has succumbed to smallpox. The horrid disease was thought to have been eradicated shortly after the last civil war, but the enemy troops we recently faced were all unvaccinated.  #secondcivilwarletters

-----------

Dearest Family:

We put together a really bad video montage of Trump ordering his troops to charge us naked with no guns and broadcast it at the enemy lines as a joke.

But they actually charged us. Naked. With no guns.

Will be home for dinner.

----------

My Darling Clara,
  I write to you today along the Twittermattox timeline where the infirmary tents continue to fill without cessation, the woods ringing with the barking despairs hollowed-eyed souls driven to madness by butthurt and sick burns.

[ABX]

My dearest Megan,
My only hope is that this letter makes it into the Ken Burns documentary on PBS. Send a portion of my check to the 'Viewers Like You' telethon, and forever carry our love in the free tote bag.

Yours in covfefe,
Joe #secondcivilwarletters

---------------

My beloved,

We came under fire by MAGAt's on the way to Fort Cheeto. We got away by hurling deodorant, tooth brushes, and dental floss at them. We are currently hiding from them in the safest place we know, a book store.

----------------

Dearest,
Sad news today. The Stop & Shop delivery service was late and the almond milk grew warm. Many soldiers refuse to fight until they consume a second skinny mocha latte and read the latest on Slate.  Please send Randy Rainbow videos for inspiration.

[goodwithagun]

My Dearest,
Today we captured many Red Hats after the Bowling Green Massacre. We are keeping them well fed on a diet of Mexican food and gay wedding cake.  #secondcivilwarletters

[goodwithagun]

#SecondCivilWarLetters Mine eyes have seen the glory of the Pumpkin Spice Latte…

and he added this pic 

[goodwithagun]

Dearest Emma
Colonel Hannity's red hats ambushed us at the Galleria yesterday.  Many brave men were lost. We are down to our last wedge of Brie and the Chardonnay is dangerously close to room temperature.  Remember: Tuesday is recycling .  #SecondCivilWarLetters

[ABX]

Dearest love,

A man from the other side... Pruitt, I believe was his name, handed out water to his troops. I saw an empty jar with fine print on the side, which read, “property of Flint.”

---------------

#secondcivilwarletters -
To my dearest;
The Libertarian front is enjoying ourselves, sitting back while the red and blue hats scramble to try to find the best way to control everyone's lives and create the most memes. We'll pick up the pieces after their temper tantrum is over.

-----------------------


My Dearest Mee-Maw,

Just wanna let you know that Gen. #RoyMoore done led us to victory over them gay hippy Democrats in San Francisco.  Done been on my first street car ride too!

Luv,

Cooter

------------------

#secondcivilwarletters
My Dearest,
Gazing upon these epistles before me,I am reminded that as long as we can laugh w/ each other at silly presumptions,that all is not yet lost in our country.
Even in divided factions, when we laugh, we are United in Joy & Fear loses its strength.

------------------

#secondcivilwarletters
Dearest Mother.
The right just got a new shipment of ammo. I fear this war is All most over. Us on the left are starving so we cannot restock our handfuls of poop to throw at the right wing to win this war.

[goodwithagun]

Dearest Agatha, We got Admiral Pence to talk. It wasn’t pretty. We had to bind his hands and feet and sit him at a candle lit dinner with a woman. I hear his cries still! “MOTHER WOULDNT LIKE THIS! MOTHER!!” #secondcivilwarletters


Major:
The Massachusetts War Dept's ethics advisers have reviewed your plan to "bait" certain areas with televisions broadcasting unaired episodes of Roseanne Barr's show. We are uneasy about this tactic. Find another way. Even war has rules.
NICHOLS, TM
#SecondCivilWarLetters


Beloved family:

After brutal fighting we  are at rest, waiting for soccer moms to finish breast feeding.  The gluten/nut/dairy free MREs are adequate. Please send wifi extenders as we fear we may not hold out much longer without Facebook and Twitter.

#secondcivilwarletters

[Silver Pines]

[Silver Pines]

[Silver Pines]

[austingirl]

Ben Shapiro: He has several good ones.
My darling,

Georgiana is dead; nobody gave xer a trigger warning before discussing biological sexual differences. Now, I must wield glitter in glorious battle. If I fall, spread my ashes in a Starbucks bathroom so my fight may continue beyond death.

#secondcivilwarletters

James Woods:
Dearest Significant Other,
The air stinks of cordite. Holed up at the Javits Center, we came across Saint Hillary’s cache of fireworks from Black November. The Village Transgenders attacked the Red Hats using fireworks for cover, to no avail. All is lost. #SecondCivilWarLetters




Great stuff.

[the_doc]

@pookie18

This is the screwiest thread you right-wingers have started yet.  Only Pookie's Toons are funnier.  Power to the sheeple.

[pookie18]

@pookie18

This is the screwiest thread you right-wingers have started yet.  Only Pookie's Toons are funnier.  Power to the sheeple.

Good stuff!

[mystery-ak]

@pookie18

This is the screwiest thread you right-wingers have started yet.  Only Pookie's Toons are funnier.  Power to the sheeple.

Really...I love them...

[goodwithagun]

Dearest Mother-

Cell towers are down. Forced to communicate without emojis, great confusion has broken out within the troops. This morning there was a skirmish over the last remaining Tide Pod. Desperation is setting in.

Remember us well...

#secondcivilwarletters

[goodwithagun]

Grandma: I want to show you something.
Child: Your old holograms?
Grandma: No, a letter.

Dear Mr. Dershowitz,

You aren’t invited to my parties anymore.

Signed,
Martha

Grandma: And that, child, is how I won the Battle of Martha’s Vineyard all by myself.
#SecondCivilWarLetters

[Silver Pines]

Dearest Mother-

Cell towers are down. Forced to communicate without emojis, great confusion has broken out within the troops. This morning there was a skirmish over the last remaining Tide Pod. Desperation is setting in.

Remember us well...

#secondcivilwarletters

Lmao

[goodwithagun]

Father:

Our troops fought bravely but were captured, proving that they aren’t heroes.  Today, I wonder if there are good people on both sides. 

I can go no further. The bone spurs are just too severe. 
They said this war would be easy to win. Sad!

#secondcivilwarletters

 

[goodwithagun]

#SecondCivilWarLetters  Dearest Mother, I find that the native’s pipe tobacco which I affectionately call “wacky tobacky” stirs in me an uncontrollable craving for goober peas. I plan to cultivate it on the farm at once upon my return. Love,Beauregard

[Oceander]

This is good stuff!

[Silver Pines]

[Silver Pines]

[Silver Pines]

This is good stuff!

@Oceander

Right?  Lol