Author Topic: Today's Toons 8/1/16 (Read 4384 times)

pookie18 · « **on:** August 01, 2016, 10:15:25 am »

Click below for commentary:

Click below for verification:

Click below for related audio:

This Thread Brought To You By The Number 0:

In Case You Missed It Dept.:

President Obama hosted Mexico's president Enrique Nena Piete at the White House Friday to hail U.S.-Mexico relations. It is part of an annual exchange. Once a year, America's president goes to Mexico to visit our jobs and once a year Mexico's president comes to the U.S. to visit his people.

The Republican convention released one hundred and twenty-five thousand balloons to end the convention Thursday. It's a bipartisan tradition. The Democrats will also release one hundred and twenty-five thousand balloons this Thursday, but theirs will be ribbed for comfort and protection.

Bill Clinton will give a speech at the Democratic convention tonight that focuses on Hillary's career. He always makes a convention more fun. Last night, Bill Clinton walked into the hotel bar in Philadelphia where he asked the waitress for the usual, so she brought him a restraining order.

Donald Trump's star on Hollywood Boulevard was enclosed by a seven-inch-high rectangular wooden fence topped by barbed wire built by a performance artist named Plastic Jesus. It's only right. Trump must have five thousand carpenters working for him and half of them are named Jesus.

The Weather Channel reports a high pressure system called a heat dome is stifling the nation with record high temperatures across the United States. There is triple-digit heat from the Far West to the Eastern Seaboard. It's so hot in Philadelphia that Hillary Clinton is sticking to her story.

Democratic Party Chairman Debbie Wasserman Schultz resigned over her e-mail scandal on Monday. Hillary was almost indicted over her e-mails. Who's the idiot who sold the Democrats on the idea that their scandals would be behind them if they gave up adultery and took up e-mailing?

U.S. Senator and Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders addressed the Democratic convention in Philadelphia Monday. It got everyone to playing America's favorite drinking game. Every time Bernie Sanders proposes a new free government program, you drink somebody else's beer.

Bernie Sanders addressed a breakfast Monday in Philadelphia where he urged his supporters to back the party. He just made it to the event in time. The day before, Bernie received an e-mail from Debbie Wasserman Schultz telling him the Democratic convention was in Cleveland this week.

Wikileaks released twenty thousand e-mails hacked from the DNC and many of them are anti-Bernie Sanders e-mails between DNC staffers. Some of the e-mails claim he gave up being Jewish in order to be an atheist. Even Donald Trump is asking how low they would go to destroy an opponent.

California firefighters battled a blaze in the Santa Clarita Valley Saturday that created a huge smoky cloud hovering over Los Angeles. The sun was reduced to a bright orange ball over the city which mesmerized drivers and sunbathers. Democrats charged it was just more free media for Trump.

Hillary Clinton was nominated for president by the Democratic convention delegates' roll call vote on Tuesday, making her the first woman in history to be a major party nominee. It's official. Hillary Clinton is now one step closer to achieving her lifetime dream of being able to pardon herself.

Al Gore's office refused to say Tuesday why he did not come to the Democratic convention in Philadelphia. He's very wise to lie low for a little while. Hillary Clinton and Debbie Wasserman Schultz would never have been hamstrung by e-mail scandals if Al Gore hadn't invented the Internet.

Hillary Clinton will accept the Democratic nomination for president Thursday in Philadelphia and the race is on. It's the most progressive match-up in history. Democrats are fielding the first woman candidate for president while the Republicans are putting up the first person of orange color.

Hillary Clinton's unfavorable rating reached an all-time high Tuesday with Donald Trump's unfavorable rating similarly high. The attack ads claim one's a crook and one's a maniac. Gang leaders now recruit young people by telling them that any one of them could grow up to be president.

Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton revealed in an interview that her Spotify playlist includes Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry and Jennifer Lopez. It's such a small world. In a separate interview, Bill Clinton revealed his To-Do list includes Kelly Clarkson, Katy Perry and Jennifer Lopez.

Michelle Obama got high marks from political commentators for her speech to the Democratic convention Monday night in Philadelphia. It was nice hearing from her again. Michelle Obama is now the first person in history to give a speech at both the Republican and Democratic conventions.

John Hinckley was released from a mental institution thirty-five years after he shot President Reagan in a demented effort to impress Jodie Foster. He's okay now. Hillary just sent Hinckley a note of congratulations on his release and tipped him off that Donald Trump is dating Jodie Foster.

The Hollywood Reporter released the Nielsen ratings showing the Democratic convention's opening night drew twenty-three million TV viewers. That's a lot. It was mostly from hockey fans who wanted to catch up on all the fighting they've missed since the NHL season ended in June.

President Obama, Tim Kaine and Joe Biden gave speeches at the Democratic convention on Wednesday night in Philadelphia to vouch for Hillary Clinton. There was blood all over the stage. They tied a record set at the last Democratic convention by killing bin Laden three times in one night.

The Democratic convention on Wednesday featured speaker after speaker who tried to appeal to Republican voters to vote Hillary. They even surrounded the convention hall with a four-mile-long, eight-foot-high wall. The California delegates just laughed and tunneled their way into the arena.

President Obama in his convention speech Wednesday conceded that the nation has suffered strife and bloodshed in Baton Rouge, Dallas, St. Paul and Ferguson. It was courageous of him to bring it up. Under President Obama's leadership, the Middle West now looks like the Middle East.

President Obama in his speech waxed nostalgic about life in the White House Wednesday. He said many times during the last eight years, the American people picked him up and hopefully at times he picked them up too. It's the kind of line Bill Clinton could never deliver with a straight face.

President Obama told the convention he's proud of the way he brought the U.S. economy back from recession. At the McDonald's in Oklahoma City, they offer the Obama Special. You get to order everything you want off the menu and the three people behind you in line have to pay for it.

Hillary Clinton's vice presidential nominee. Virginia's Senator Tim Kaine, gave a well-received speech at the Democratic convention and halfway through his speech, he broke out in Spanish. It's risky. Kaine could become the second birth certificate President Trump double-checks personally.

Donald Trump joked that he hopes Russian hackers got a hold of Hillary's thirty thousand deleted e-mails and release them. She erased them. The lesson Hillary learned as a young lawyer on the House Watergate Committee is that obstruction of justice is wrong, unless you burn the tapes.

-- Argus Hamilton

Tonight was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, where today the temperature was over 100 degrees. As if Hillary Clinton needed another reason to sweat. She went through two pantsuits.

In fact, it was so hot Hillary met with some Bernie supporters just for the chilly reception.

Of course, it's the Democratic Convention, which began last night. There were several big moments, and by the end, everyone was chanting "I'm With Her!" Unfortunately for Hillary, they were talking about Michelle Obama.

Tonight Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention, officially accepting the nomination for president. The speech went well, but the lightning shooting from her hands was a bit much.

-- Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton introduced her new running mate Senator Tim Kaine at an event in Miami this weekend. She found Kaine while searching a stock photo database for "white businessman."

First Lady Michelle Obama spoke tonight on the first day of the Democratic National Convention, while Melania Trump furiously took notes.

President Obama appeared on Face the Nation this weekend and said of Hillary Clinton, "She's not always flashy, and there are better speechmakers, but she knows her stuff." Man, I'd hate to see Obama set somebody up on a blind date. "She's got one wonky eye and she talks too much, but you don't wanna die alone, do ya?"

Donald Trump will be holding a Q and A session on the online message board Reddit during the Democratic Convention this week -- though Trump's Q and A will be unique in that he will both ask and answer the questions. "Am I the most handsome candidate in history? Interesting question, thanks for asking. I will say, a lot of people think so."

Democrats held a roll call vote today to formally elect Hillary Clinton as their party's nominee. Delegates had the option of voting either "no" or "ugh, fine."

-- Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton's main task this week is to divert attention from leaked DNC emails and other negative press. Hillary's going to begin her speech with the rousing first line -- "Hey, Look, There's a Pokémon!"

Donald Trump is now leading Hillary Clinton by 28 points with white voters without a college degree. However, Hillary is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University.

Experts are saying that the highlight of the Democratic Convention's first night was Michelle Obama's speech. In fact, Melania Trump said she already knows it by heart.

Today, shortly before we taped the show, Hillary Clinton became the first female presidential nominee of a major party. So now little girls everywhere can say, "One day I'm gonna grow up and run against an insane reality TV star."

Yesterday at the DNC, Elizabeth Warren said, "Trump's entire campaign is just one more late-night Trump infomercial." Trump called her "stupid" then said, "But wait there's more . . ."

The first sentence of Bill Clinton's speech was "In the spring of 1971, I met a girl." You can imagine the relief in the room when they realized he was talking about Hillary.

Last night Bill Clinton said the first two times he proposed to Hillary, she said no. Clinton then said, "So let's stop all this talk about Hillary's bad judgement."

Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, "Now where's my check?"

Bradley Cooper was spotted at the Democratic Convention and it angered conservatives because he portrayed Navy SEAL Chris Kyle in American Sniper. These are the same people who were angry when they learned that Ben Affleck isn't really Batman.

Today, Donald Trump said that when he asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton's emails he was being "sarcastic." Which makes sense -- if anyone understands comedy, it's the Russians.

-- Conan

History has been made. After months of anticipation, Jo Jo has cut it down to just two remaining bachelors. These are exciting times. Oh, and also, Hillary Clinton received the Democratic nomination.

Hillary Clinton broke the glass ceiling, and just in case that point was lost on you, with Trump so close to the presidency, Hillary just became the largest "break glass in case of emergency" ever.

Donald Trump vowed that when he is president he will replace the broken glass ceiling with a reinforced titanium steel ceiling and that women are going to pay for it.

Bill Clinton said he watched all six Police Academy movies with his daughter Chelsea, which got awkward when Chelsea was like, "That wasn't me."

-- James Corden

After the Republican Convention last week, the DNC was supposed to be the boring one. It was quite the opposite. Every time Hillary Clinton's name was mentioned there were boos from Bernie Sanders fans. Even Bernie had to ask his supporters to calm down. After a year of telling them not to calm down. It's like Chef Boyardee telling people to take it easy on the ravioli.

Hillary Clinton became the first woman to be nominated by a major party in the United States, which even if she doesn't win is going to look great on her resume.

Bill Clinton spoke tonight. He was the major speaker of the evening. Of course he strongly supported his wife to be our next president. In a surprise move asked Melania Trump to be his first lady.

It was a historic night. We're either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image.

After Hillary spoke tonight, instead of the balloon drop, Bill Clinton should have climbed to the top of the rafters and released all the old condoms he had.

Last night, President Obama gave Mrs. Clinton a powerful endorsement, at the end of which, she joined him on stage for an embrace that was about as awkward as when the groom dances with his mother-in-law at a wedding.

Hillary's choice for running mate, Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, gave a speech last night where he revealed that not only does he habla español, he can do a Donald Trump impression. He did such a convincing job that Tim Kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 percent.

-- Jimmy Kimmel