Flashback; Wonderous Willard of Oz (Originally written in the waning months of the Clinton administration)
Wonderous Willard of Oz
a silly narrative
by Floyd Geron Looney
A storm was a coming! The skies were dark and the winds were howling with anger. In the distance a funnel was soon spotted and it was headed in the direction of the little house in Chappaqua. Pick ups and cows were being flung to and for by the violent winds which raged and seethed with an angry fury.
I do not exaggerate!
Paula who had been fitting a new coat for the scarecrow in the tobacco field, wanting to make him look like the Alpha Male he darn well should be was frightened! She ran towards the safety of the fortified underground bunker, which was said to be ATF resistant. She turned looking for her little dog Reno and fell down. She got up and ran towards the bunker entrance but her family inside had already sealed it up tight.
They had left her out in the storm! Such was usually the fate reserved those who got in the way of the family. Into the little brick house which some peasants called a mansion, it was nothing like her last home. After she and her dog Reno were inside the twister struck with a frightful noise. The house shook, rattled and rolled. Then the home rose into the air in a spinning frenzy, higher and higher it went. There must be someone who could be sued!
There were billing records and a sign which said Whitewater Estates flying around the house as it spun through the air. What did they mean. My oh my!
Then the wind died down and the house began to fall and fall. Poor Paula grabbed a tight hold on anything she could which was or was not bolted down. Finally she just grabbed her own rear and curled into the fetal position. With an awful noise the house impacted the ground, and Paula found that it was more or less intact. Even Reno was still barking.
Picking up the poor shaking dog, the dog was not shaking from fright though, Paula made her way outside.
She stood in front of the house and surveyed the area around her. The grass was green and the sky was blue but both were purple and yellow too. The place looked so cartoonish she almost wanted to laugh. Then she thought of her family and laughed out loud, she hoped they landed in the Pacific!
Then as she inspected the area around her she found a pair of thick, hairy legs poking out from under the house. Obviously the person was dead, for no-one could live through that! Someone said something and Paula jumped. The dog barked fiercly.
Behind her were some of the little people, but instead of just voters these were literally little people! They must know their place!
The little man repeated his exclaimation "The Wicked Witch Hill is dead!"
She watched as the little people sang and danced over this with much amusement. After a while a little man in an odd suit stepped forward and handed her some sort of an award.
"As a token of our appreciation we would like to give you this certificate of merit. Um.. whats yer name?"
"Paula" She said and the little people again sang and danced. They were such a merry bunch of peasants. Happy to be in their place, if only other voters were that way. A questioned popped into her mind.
"Is this Kansas?" She asked, thinking that this must be part of fly-over country. She would never land in a place like that on purpose.
"Kansas?" The little man laughed. "I am the Mayor here, my name is Berry. Merry Barry. This is a land known as OZ!" Paula wondered where she had heard that name before but quickly shook it off.
"Then I am no where near New York, my adopted home state. How will I ever get home to my campaign?" She asked. This was not good, being stuck in middle America... Oz or whatever was bad for image. There was a radio spot to tape.
The mayor and the Lockhart Boys who had led the songs about the Wicked Witch Hill being dead, all put their chins in their hands in thought. Then a light bulb went off above the little mayor, from a streetlight, revealing a white residue on his suit.
"You can get home by seeing the Willard!"
"The Willard?"
"The Wonderous Willard of Oz!"
This Willard sounded like a man of power and influence, and seeing this man was the first thing she had to do. But how?
"How do I find this Willard?"
The mayor didn't need time to think on this. "Simply follow this road. Its called Pennsylvania Avenue!"
"Okay Bye!" She said and started walking quickly as the little people sang her a song. That was getting quite annoying. Now if Kissinger sang her praises that would be a different story. She wondered why there seemed to be giant barricades along the sides of Pennsylvania Avenue as she strolled with her dog following closely behind.
After about an hour she came to what seemed to be an abandoned house. She could hear someone yelling for help and went to investigate, carefully putting on latex gloves as to not leave any prints.
"Help. Help"
The voice was quiet when she walked up. There was that tinman with an axe in the air and all rusted up. An oil can was on a nearby stump. Well, she decided the tinman might need some oil but when she reached over to get it someone yelled "No!!"
"No?"
"Don't oil the tinman! He works for Big Evil Timber Inc. He will chop me down!" It was the tree which was talking. How interesting.
"That sounds awful. How can I help you?" She asked
"Pass the Dingell-Norwood Bill! Pass the Dingell-Norwood Bill!"
Paula was confused. What was this giant toothpick saying? She covered her mouth to laugh when Reno lifted a leg and relieved himself on the tree. But the tree was still talking in a monotone emotionless voice. It dronned on and on "... these terrible people keep chopping us down and using us for firewood and other things. Its a genocide I tell ya!.."
"I am going to see the Willard! Maybe he could help you too" When she said this the tree stopped talking and actually moved. Amazingly the tree was animated, kinda.
"Thats a great Idea. I have heard of the Wonderous Willard of Oz, he's the greatest Willard of all time" The tree said "Oh... My name is Albore"
"I'm Paula"
Then the tree started walking. "Well, lets go see the Willard. The Wonderous Willard of Oz!"
"You walk? You move? Then why were you screaming for help? You could have gotten up and left.. the tinman can't move"
"Well. I am trying to make a point, we need federal statutes to protect wooden citizens and we also need stricter axe control laws. I think you are indeed correct when you said that maybe the Wonderous Willard of Oz could help. Lets be on our way."
Paula and Reno found that no matter how far they walked that day they were always in the shade. Albore followed close behind and it was soon a simple matter to tune out his non-stop droning about environmental policies. Paula wondered what they would come across next.
What they came across next was a scarecrow named Shalala. The scarecrow was intended to be female Paula supposed. This scarecrow with short straw hair was modern in that this female scarecrow was dressed a lot like a male one. Shalala soon told them what was she was in need of.
"I am suffering from a dearth of press attention. I can't get anyone in the mass media to notice me anymore. Peter, Tom and Dan just don't look my way anymore." Obviously she needed the benefit of the all-powerful Wonderous Willard of Oz.
So again they continued down Pennsylvania Avenue but now they were being watched from afar. A crystal ball was showing them to someone else. This time a witch named Rosie, angry about the death of her 'sister' was planning to get revenge. Especially after she saw the blue dress that Paula was wearing. "I shall have the blue dress for myself." This statement was followed by maniacal laughter.
Paula, Reno, Albore and Shalala were soon joined by another of the needy. Paula figured this out after her dog Reno was chased around by a wolf in sheeps clothing. Although she hadn't actually seen a sheep wear anything like it before.
The wolf introduced himself, he was very short-just a bit bigger than Reno, as being named D. Morris. "Just call me Dickie for short"
Dickie had a sob tale indeed. He had lost a big job because of a toe fetish, although admitting he was unqualified for it to begin with. He was suffering an identity crisis. Obviously a job for the Willard.
We're off to see the Willard, the Wonderful Willard of Oz.
The Wicked Witch Rosie hatched her evil plan to get revenge and the blue dress! (add maniacal laughter)
The group of needy people were passing through a field. Dickie assured everyone that Oz was just over the horizon. He said he had been there before, Albore said he had invented Oz but quickly backtracked and said he erred. Never even been there really.
They stopped and purchased ice tea from a vender who was a monkey. Albore said he had always found ice tea useful. The monkey said he had no name, but was just a humble bureaucrat working within the system to make the world a better place.
After a few minutes of walking they began to feel tired, sleepy and sick. They all fell into a deep deep sleep. Except for Dickie who tried to wake them up to no avail.
Rosie moved away from the crystal ball and ordered her flying monkeys to the scene.
"Off Deedee, Off Stephanopolous, Off Cohen and Off Anita. Go and get them Flynt, go Elders and Begala, Bring them to me Carville, bring them here Freeh go all Baldwins and Sheens and bring them me!" (maniacal laughter)
The flying monkeys filled the air and swarmed toward the last known location of Paula and her friends. The monkeys swooped down and picked them up with their feet. It took three to carry Paula, one for Reno, two for Dickie, three for Shalala and seventeen for Albore.
They soon approached the Palace of Wicked Witch Rosie, it was known because of the huge billboard in the yard which said. 'No Guns anywhere except mine'. Albore awoke and Dickie made a suggestion. The monkeys dropped Albore, Shalala and Dickie into a giant thorn bush.
They brought Paula and Reno into the palace of the evil Rosie.
They had awoken mostly before they actually got into the giant throne room of Rosie herself. She seemed to stand ten feet tall and fifteen feet wide from her high throne upon which she sat gnawing a bone.
"Hello Paula. Witch Hill was my brood sister, we attended Coven School together. I am very unhappy with her death. You will be killed of course, but first give me the dress." Rosie ordered with her deep rumbling voice. Well, as deep as her voice could go anyways. The wind picked up and storm clouds brewed as she spoke. It was clear outside though.
"I will not give you my blue dress" Paula said, Reno barked and barked. Rosie looked at the dog and licked her lips and the dog shut up and hid behind Paula. "You will give the dress or we'll just carve it from your cold body"
The room shuddered as Rosie stood and shook as she began walking down the steps from the throne. Then all of a sudden the big doors opened and Dickie, Albore and Shalala ran in and began to punch all the monkeys. In the confusion Paula and Reno ran as did the others. Paula ran down a corridor as thuds became louder and louder, the Wicked Witch Rosie was gaining on her.
Paula and Reno found themselves trapped as monkeys filled the corridor from both directions, the Witch Rosie caught up. With Maniacal laughter she produced a magic wand and leered at the dog again. It began to shiver, it was not the alzhiemers this time.
"Now comes your end" Rosie bellowed loudly.
"At least my end doesn't take up half the corridor!" Paula said. The Wicked Witch Rosie stopped moving for a stunned moment. Aha! A weakness!
Paula got a bit more brave. "Your so fat....." She went on and on with the fat jokes and insults for a good thirty minutes. All of the fat insults she had recieved when she had been going to an exclusive school in DC. She had remembered every single one and it felt good to use them against someone else.
"You know a diet would do you good. Although I fail to see how a diet could make a dent in less than ten years of starvation" Interestingly the stunned Witch actually shrank each time she had used the word 'diet'.
"Diet, diet, diet, diet, diet, diet, diet" She said over and over again until the Wicked Witch was just two inches tall. Then she bent down and asked "By the way do you what the Japanese Parliament is called?"
"The Diet!" She said, answering her own question. The witch ceased to exist. Rosie had shrank to nothing, incredible. The monkeys began to sing and dance. This was doing wonders for her popularity with the little people, and little Monkeys.
They brought her to her 'friends' and gave them rides to the gates of Oz.
Dickie went to the gate and pushed the buzzer. An intercom came alive. "Whaddaya want?"
"We are here to see the Willard" Paula said. The voice was quiet a moment then said "so? are you campaign contributors? Bhuddists?"
"No" Albore said stepping, if moving roots around was stepping, to the front. "We and this young lady here simply came to ...."
The door opened quickly and they entered. Albore continued to speak for a good twenty seconds before following them inside. Another little person appeared "A young lady! Why didn't you just say so? sheesh! That way"
The inside of Oz was awesome. There were soldiers serving tea to Chinese contributors in one and fat cats in Pajama's in another.
"My kind of happenin place" The tree said as they continued to the Office of the Willard.
They were stopped at the door by a toll booth operator, Dickie pointed at Paula and the toll gate was raised. Several young women in bikini's came out of the office and said "Willard will see you now"
The rooms windows had all the curtains covering them. In front of them to the back of the round room was a large desk behind which was a man on a phone. To the left was a big water bed and the right a door which said 'Monica Only'. The man was wearing a t-shirt and boxer shorts and mismatched socks- his feet were on the desk.
Then he put down the phone and looked straight at Paula with a big grin and said "Ssssuuuuwwwweeeeeeet."
He laughed and said "Howdy. um:" bit his lip "How can I help ya'll?"
"I need to get home to New York" Paula said, Reno barked.
"I need to find myself. The real me, the Alpha Male.. my place in..."
"I need to get real" Shalala said
"I need to get a job" Dickie told the man "I hope the Wonderous Willard of Oz can get me one".
"I am Willard" He said with a smirk. "Look tree, wolf man, scarecrow-lady. Its not you who has the problem its society. Society has had an evil influence on thinking. It tells people they must obey laws, respect others and like their family. In Oz, its a free world. Anything goes babe! You can do anything you want. Take off your shirt, kick up you heels, whatever. Let the Village provide for you."
Albore dropped some leaves and fell over, Dickie threw off the sheeps clothing and howled, Shalala took off her clothes and become a heap of straw on the floor.
"Just like my peace in the middle east." Willard joked "Maybe that wasn't such a good idea for her. Oh well. I'll have someone clean it up."
In a matter of minutes the Wonderous Willard of Oz had someone clean up what had been Shalala and properly dispose of her, hired Dickie as a speech writer and appointed Albore to a high position as 'Reinventor'.
"But how will I get home Willard?"
"You have just two choices Paula" He said seriously. "You can stay here and become one of my interns or you can wake up to reality."
"Wake up?" She asked, Reno barked and chased a nearly nude intern down a hallway.
"Your obviously dreaming! So either wake up or give in and allow this dream to become reality like so many others. There are a lot of them" Willard informed her
"What are they called?" Paula asked
"We're called Liberals of course"
.........More or Less the End..............
